Best Song/Prayer Ever!!

"Worlds Apart"
(Please click the link to listen as you read the lyrics!)

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Fighting a Losing Battle Today...Maybe

I'm a week late from my normal posting schedule. Which makes it even rougher and harder to explain. But I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with my mind today. I'm trying to stay positive. I know things are going well.

I have a wonderful family.

I just got back two wonderful book critiques.

Christmas vacation starts on Friday.

Life is fine.

But I'm really cranky. I'm slightly on the low side (and when I say slight I mean slightly for a bi polar ... which is a lot for a normal person!) of the spectrum today. I want to cheer up. I know I can cheer up. But it's not working yet.

It's the stupidest (oh look, that is really a word! I was totally planning on the spell check to catch that one!) things that set me off too.

Too much to do, too little me. (Ok let's be honest, with a whole 4 ft 11 of me, there is ALWAYS too little me...)

The things I want to do are on the low end of the priority pole and it's frustrating.

Not enough blog comments.

Not enough time in the day.

Not enough silence in my house.

Holiday weight starting to settle in.

Not being able to go to Church on Christmas.

Christmas in general and all it's stupid drama.

And tons of little other holiday issues that I deal with every year....why are the holidays the worst anyway? Isn't it suppose to be a time of joy and laughter and love? I was trying really hard to focus on that this year, but this week made it very difficult.

Must. Focus. On. The. Real. Meaning. Of. Christmas!

Must also focus on the real reasons I blog, for fun, not for comments (Fish are friends, not food...yeah don't ask)

Must focus on the good things happening in my life!

Must not let one week/day ruin my holiday.

Maybe I should go watch Love Actually, or Elf. Always mood raisers!

Maybe I'm not fighting a losing battle...maybe I'm just not fighting hard enough.

BRING ON THE GRENADES!!! (Ok so I totally don't like weapons or grenades, but I'll settle for a squirt gun!)

Things that keep my going...

A song that makes me tear up!! A perfect song for a writer! A perfect song for ME!

Motivation

Thankful for Hitting Rock Bottom

Its that time of year where everyone lists the things they are thankful for, and although I may piss and moan a bit on this blog, I have to admit I have a LOT to be thankful for this year.

When I look back to where I was two years ago, this is the situation I see this ...

I ...

- Quit my job because I lost my mind. (almost literally...long story...visit here for details)

- Lost most of my friends.

- Then had to deal with my husband losing his job.

- Was losing my house.

- Lost my credit.

- Had a father who was just recovering from quadrupedal bypass surgery.

- Could not afford to buy gifts for my own children for Christmas so had to go through Toys for Tots.

- Was on food stamps.

- Had shut off notices on all my bills.

- Had a VERY rocky marriage.

- Was heading down some very wrong roads and making very poor life decisions.

- Had no direction in life.

- Felt absolutely no sense of self worth.

- Had lost all my faith.

It wasn't a pretty picture. It was a very depressing and very disheartening.

BUT

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb up. If that wasn't rock bottom, I don't even want to know what rock bottom looks like, but it sure did feel like it.

Today I am thankful I do not live that life any longer. Today I see something very different. Today I see this...

I...

- Am a successful stay at home mother.

- Am an amazing writer with a wonderful future ahead of me.

- Have a happy healthy family, that although it is not perfect, it is whole.

- Have a husband with a stable job and a steady income.

- Have a roof over my head with no threat of losing it anytime soon. Although if I did, I have a back up plan.

- Have a savings account.

- Have a financial savings plan.

- Am rebuilding my credit.

- Reconnected with the lost friends who were important.

- Have my sanity (at least 75% of the time...that's a step up!)

- Don't have have to worry about how we are going to buy our children gifts for Christmas.

- Have a happy healing marriage.

- Have found my faith.

- Making healthy life choices and have rid myself of toxic situations.

- Have self confidence again.

I can't imagine a time in my life where I was ever as thankful as I am today. Today I pray to God and thank him for every thing he has provided me with.

Now here is where it get's crazy...

I thank God for putting me through everything I went through two years ago. I was heading down a steep hill and making every wrong decision a person could make. I thank him for the big smack upside the head. Had I not gone through any of that I wouldn't be who I am today. And for the first time in the last ... I don't know ... maybe even ten years, I can totally say I am proud of who I am. I am proud to be me. I am proud to be my husbands wife. I am proud of my children. I am proud of the mother I have become.

And I am thankful!

Craving to Be Normal!!

More than I would like a million dollars...

More than I would like a big beautiful house...

More than I would like to be a published author (ok...well not THAT much more...but a little)

More than I would like just about anything...

I just want to be normal. I'd like my brain to function properly on a daily basis. I'd like to stop having so many bad days. I've come to the conclusion that life is truly against me. Even my mom has said that I have to go through more stuff than most people.

If it can go wrong ... it does.

I'm the exception to EVERY rule!

Teenage pregnancy? Why not!

Rocky Marriage? Don't mind if I do!

Money problem? Sounds like a party!

Child with BiPolar? Fabulous!

Crappy house with a crappy landlord after losing my last crappy house to foreclosure? Absolutely! That will be a blast!

Problems keeping friends due to my own BiPolar insanity? What a great idea!

Regrets as high as the sky? Fun times!

Incapability to feel confident about my writing thus being unable to score an agent? (Or does my writing really suck...hmmmm...) Wouldn't miss it for the world!

Seriously. This is not normal. I am not normal. I suppose in some ways that's great and all, but really ... I'm not sure how much more I can take. And every time it looks like things are going to get better, they get worse!

I can't blog lately. I don't have anything funny to say or even anything positive for that matter. I am upset all the time. I'm stressed out about money, my marriage, my poor little boy going through all the same stuff, my house, my writing, my grandmother, and my sanity and I am trying so hard to keep it all to myself because at the very same time I feel like if I lose it I'll lose all my friends again just like before!

So if someone could please catch me a break......that would be GREAT!

Lips Touching

Kisses

The Good Ones

The Bad Ones

I'm sure each of us have had plenty of each.

But which kiss do you remember most?

Was it your first kiss?

I've always had a hard time pin pointing my first kiss. I once got dared to kiss a boy when I was seven, and of course dare devil that I was, I puckered right up.

I don't remember if I liked it or hated it, I mostly remember being proud that I followed through on the dare.

Still, I don't consider that my first kiss, regardless if 'technically' it was. I think I kissed my neighbor once while playing house too. Another dare I believe. I don't consider that my first kiss either. (I wonder if he does?)

My first kiss that actually meant anything took place in the middle of a circle of trees. I was playing hide and seek at the camp ground we camped at every Forth of July and Labor day. I'd been waiting for this kiss for an entire year. It was the first time I fell in .... well not love, but it felt like it at the age of thirteen. It was the quickest kiss in the history of kisses but my lips continued to feel it for days.

Still that was just a quick peck on the lips, nothing more, nothing less.

The first real kiss happened a year or so later. A boy I had liked on and off during my Freshman year in high school and I were hanging out and ended up at the creek behind the local park. I'd been waiting for him to kiss me for what seemed like forever, but he seemed to be avoiding it. I assumed it might be because he was too shy, or possibly he'd never kissed a girl. So I asked him.

"Have you ever kissed a girl?"

"Not really." he answered.

"Well you can try it if you want to." I offered.

Now I was expecting another quick peck on the lips. I'd kissed a couple other boys since my first kiss and none of them had made it anything past that stage. So when he leaned over and stuck his tongue in my mouth I was slightly shocked, but not entirely appalled.

This kiss ... that lasted well more than a quick moment ... left a smile on my face for the entire day. Then a week later I broke up with him.

Then a year later I fell in love with him.

There is nothing better than falling in love at the age of sixteen. Sweet sixteen love is pure and emotional and wonderful. The kisses are extraordinary.

Still nothing is better than first kisses. I can remember the first kiss with everyone I have ever kissed. Some were absolutely fantastic, some were absolutely dreadful.

I remember my first kiss with my husband. It was absolutely fantastically dreadful. It was an awkward kiss. An unexpected kiss. A kiss that left us both smiling, regardless of the mess that it was. But we both knew we would have to make up for that kiss and said goodnight without regret. The second kiss wasn't any better. I fell of the curb and onto him and we laughed the entire time. And the third time we finally got it right.

Still, none of these kisses are the kiss I remember most. There is another kiss that stands out. A kiss that I think of every time I watch a corny romantic movie. You know the kiss. The kiss that means nothing but at the very same time means everything. The kiss where you close your eyes and your face tightens because your entire mind is wrapped around that kiss. The kiss where you place your hands on his face and hold on for dear life because you never want to let go, though you know you are going to have to in a very short amount of time. It takes your breath away until your lips part. And afterward you step away staring at each other and gasping for air. Its the kiss that hurts.

What? A kiss that hurts?

Oh yes.

The kiss that hurts.

We've all been there.

Kissing the man we love goodbye because he is leaving on a business trip. Or kissing him hello because something terrible had just happened and you thought you would never see him again. Or even a kiss that signifies a break up that you are not entirely sure you want, but know you need.

The kiss that hurts.

It was one of those kisses that I remember most. This kiss does not need details or explanations. It was a perfect seven seconds that was horrifically painful. But every ounce of agony was worth it.

Ever had one of those?

Which kiss do you remember the most?

Genetics

Genetics SUCK! (Ahhh look at that literary masterpiece!)

It's been a very emotional week. My son has been having some problems at school and I think I am seeing where this is all starting to go.....

He's had the diagnosis of ADHD and ODD, but there seems to be something more lurking in the background. Something causing severe mood swings and some irrational/sometimes violent (not towards people....more just books and desks) behavior.

And just like every parent would probably say ... I'm going to say it too. He's really a great kid! He's brilliant and sweet and loving ... when he wants to be.

Genetics ... genetically following in his crazy mother's footsteps. Crazy mother has her craziness 99% under control, but only after 28 years of dealing with it. How do I help this poor 7 year old child who has no control over what he is dealing with. This child who wants to be good, but for some reason can't?

We've tried EVERY tactic in the book. Nothing is working. I'm open to suggestions. And I'm truly open to some prayers right now. I'm an emotional wreck with all this. It's so hard to watch him melt down. It's hard to watch him be upset and frustrated.

I mean tell me how a 7 year old boy can have low self esteem? He's beautiful, he's insanely intelligent, everyone likes him, we are killing him with kindness lately. Why does he always think he is not good enough? (side note....I feel the exact same way about myself...so I get how he feels it....just not why)

I know there is no way to reverse genetics, but if someone finds a way please let me know! I can't stand the thought of watching this kid go through everything I went through merely because he is constantly battling his own mind. UGH

Who???

I completely feel like a nobody these days. Not out in the world or with my friends....just in my own little world. Ever have one of those days? Just one of those days where the people who should care don't really seem to and the ones that did care are no longer around....

I'm sure this is all vague and makes no sense...it's just that time of year for me. Something about this time of year triggers sadness. I think it all dates back to that one Thanksgiving...because that was the first time I remember being sad at this time of the year. Although this year is kinda different. This year marks one year since I lost a good friend. I miss that friend. That friend cared....

I really love the fall for it's beauty and smells and cold weather ... but I totally hate this time of the year!

I want I want I want!

I WANT to be a writer ... but I'm a afraid I'm not very good at it.

I WANT to write a great story ... but I can't for the life of me come up with one.

I WANT to be good at writing because I am never good at the things I want to be good at.

I'm a wanter today. A wanter with low confidence and high dreams.

It's mostly out of frustration, and possibly unrealistic expectations, and maybe even a little jealousy that it seems like EVERYone is scoring agents and publishers lately.

I know God has a plan for me and I know it's all on his time table, but I feel like I'm not helping it any by falling short of my own expectations and I WANT to meet those expectations!

Massive Melt Down

This is what I had yesterday. My husband looked at me with his big blue eyes in amazement and begged for me to calm down! (In hind-site, the scene was probably a bit comical.)

So it all started when I got a bill with an OUTRAGEOUS (and I capitalize that because yes, I AM yelling) cancellation fee - over $600!!! This was all it took to make all the feelings I've been having for the past 4 weeks burst into action.

And I cried....alot...have I ever mentioned I do NOT cry? Well this was the exception.

I cried because my 10 year reunion is coming up and I feel like I have nothing to show for...all I can place are all the mistakes I've made.

Poor Credit
Having a child at 19
A Rocky Marriage (NOT so rocky anymore...thank goodness!) with two separations under my belt
Last Summer
A Foreclosure
A Bankruptcy (well...actually...I haven't been able to afford to file yet, but I desperately WANT to!)
Living in a crappy house because I don't have the credit or the money to live somewhere nicer.
A Fallen Career
A written novel that nobody seems to like
Broken friendships...which were entirely my fault

Ok I'll stop, although I could go on...and this bill just reminded me of it all...as did watching "17 Again" and that STUPID show "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and although I finally have my Best Friend from high school back, I am no longer able to claim her as my best friend because the friendship is still so broken.

And to top this all off my writing, or lack there of, is making it all 10 times worse. I think only a writer could understand how this is possible. I just feel like since I can't write...I can't make it all go away.

So I broke down....melted...all that is left are these two ruby red slippers that are looking dismal, but ready to be put back on and lived in. The question is, how do I do that. I'm a glutton for living in the past, and drastically trying to live in the present and only for the future.

And today is where I start...again...for the millionth time.

Wish me luck!

Silent Situations

Ever have one of those situations where you have absolutely no one to talk to about? One of those situations where there isn't anyone who knows you or the situation well enough (without already having misguided opinions)?

I'm having one of those days. One of those days where I feel like I'm being forced to make a decision (once again) that I don't want to make, but it's not being made easy for me. After a large embarrassment and an insanely hypocritical moment I find myself at a loss for words.

All I can do is pray. Prayer seems to be helping, slowly....very slowly.... but how slowly am I willing to withstand, and at what cost?

Sorry about the cryptic nature of my blog post. Well, I suppose it is obvious why it is cryptic! But if I could ask for one thing...it would be a prayer...a prayer that ends up with me being able to stay with my original decision. I know what I want, but I'm not sure how to get it.

Only one guy can help with this one. The big guy. And I really would love his help right now.

Happily Frustrated

I want to pick up my book again, I'm just not sure where to start. It's done... It's been edited 4 times... It's been rejected 27 times (Still waiting on 3 more) although one was a full request. Something is missing and I can't quite figure out what.

Here are my potential issues...

Too much back story. - I can't figure out how to NOT use the back story. I feel like it is so relevant to understand the rest of the book. And to take it out...can we say WEEKS of work. (not that I am opposed to this...just scared of it)

Heaven and Hell vs. The Eternal Paradise and The Everlasting Night of Fire - I have to admit, changing it up to just say Heaven and Hell sure does bring a whole different feel to it. It's a more "Final" feel to the consequences. Possibly a good thing...however it takes away from the world I was attempting to create. Not to mention all the questions that come into play about my beliefs and God and such which in reality have NOTHING to do with the story.

Discrepancies - My brother and other people have pointed out some big issues with my story. One being, "Why does she find Michael more beautiful than all the celestial beings that are OBVIOUSLY more beautiful than him." Good question...I thought I "showed" that, but it appears I haven't.

Confidence - Yeah...unfortunately the confidence has slightly slipped. I have this awesome story that just isn't coming off right and the beginning just isn't able to pull anyone in, then I have this awesome beginning to another story that grabs you right away, but I can't figure out where to go with it. (Both about COMPLETELY different things...) And with the lack of confidence comes a lack of creativity.

Now I say I'm happily frustrated because I don't want anyone to think I am complaining. Complaining would not accurately portray my frustration. I'm patiently embracing this frustration as I am in love with being a writer, I'm just wishing I had the answer to my problems.
And I'd possibly like to have a healthy dose of confidence shoved my way so my creative juices will get back to flowin!

Guest Post

I wrote a guest post on Christina Fender's Website that appeared today.

Its VERY personal and not something I intend to share on my Mary Poppins blog, but would be more than happy to share with those of you that know I'm not all smiles and sarcasm :)

Had I Known Sooner

Emotional or Hormonal?

I must be super hormonal or something today. All it took was one phone call to my grandmother - who I haven't spoken with in a while - to set me into a sea of tears. It's not that she upset me, it's just that every time I see her or talk to her it reminds me that there is not a whole lot of time left.

It reminds me of being little. (ok weird analogy...I know...but bear with me) When I was about 6 I would go visit an elderly lady around the corner a few days a week. She taught me how to say Spaghetti and Hamburger correctly and I will never forget the taste of fresh peaches sprinkled with a dab of sugar. She couldn't see well so I helped her out quite a bit and I do not doubt those days were the highlight of her week.

As I got a bit older I stopped going over there. I started to fear that she might pass away while I was visiting her. I could not bear the thought. It frightened me to no end. Now I regret it dearly. How selfish of me to take those moments away from her.

I feel like I am doing the same to my grandmother, not purposely of course, but quite unintentionally. I now live in a different city, have three children to tend to, and only one vehicle. It's quite difficult to get to her. I should call her more often but I never know what to say.

Today I bit the bullet and called her regardless. It was nice. She reminded me on more than one occasion to be patient, that the things I want and need will come to me. I'm not even sure why she made those comments. In talking to her I realized how much I miss her. I realized how she must have so many stories and so much to say. I didn't want to hang up, but she cut me kinda short. How I have been selfish. I told her I'd like to call her more often. She said that will be nice.

I hope I'm not such and idiotic over emotional wreck every time I hang up!

Jealous Much?

I haven't written in some time...mainly because most of my issues have been rather personal. And I haven't quite found enough confidence to share.

I will say one small thing...

I get HIGHLY jealous of women who say they are still blissfully married after years and years of marriage. My heart sinks when I hear ladies say "He still gives me butterflies." I feel like I am doing something wrong :( Or DID something wrong.

Feeling Useless

So we are having some financial difficulties. (What's new right?) I have to admit I feel utterly useless today. I want to help but I don't know what to do. I tried the eHow.com and am writing for examiner.com, but so far not so good. I'm not sure I am going to be any good at it.

It's so frustrating because we have come so far and tried so hard to get to a place where we don't have these problems, but when you only have one income and three children it feels almost impossible! And I don't know what I can do to help.

I am going to go out and look for a part time job this weekend, although I know my husband is not excited about this. He doesn't like the idea of me being gone all the time. (Probably because he doesn't like the idea of being home alone with the kids all the time...LOL) I was offered help getting started with Lia Sophia Jewelry, but I am so NOT a good person for that. I can sell, don't get me wrong. But I do not really enjoy it.

Can someone explain why life is so difficult? Why can't I be good at anything that can help us financially!!!

Instant Gratification

I'm feeling a bit glum today. It's probably just because I am tired, although it could also be just because of life. Funny how I sat and tried to convince my husband that all it takes to be happy is just wanting to be happy. I've been trying to do that myself all week. But it's sad that he's not happy, while in reality, I'm not really happy either.

Something is missing.

Ever feel that way?

I truly miss last summer. I miss the friends. I miss the fun.

I also miss other friends still, but we've already gone over that.

And I'm in a rut with this book/writing thing. After reading Rachelle Gardner's post yesterday I am now thoroughly convinced I am not ready for publishing. That really dampers the spirits. I've worked my whole life to be something and it's not working very well.

(Reality Bites Flash Back, "Honey, all you have have to be by the age of 23 is yourself!")

Unfortunately I'm 28!

(When Harry Met Sally Flash Back, Sally, "And I'm gonna be 40!!!" Harry,"When?" Sally, "Someday!!!")

It seems like we live in a world surrounded by everything and anything that can provide instant gratification. Patience is impossible when everything else seems to be right at your finger tips. I want to work hard and become a New York Times best selling Author, but I am so caught up in wanting it NOW that my mind has gone blank, my writing has become sloppy, and my mood is a lingering pile of stress covered in a lack of self confidence.

The next thing you know I am going to be rolling around like a big fat blueberry!!! (That would be a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Flash back..."I want it all NOW!!!")

And this...if any of this has made sense...is part of the reason I am feeling glum today. But it's probably mostly lack of sleep ;)

A little How To...

Tell me what you think!

How to Be Happy - The search stops here!

Taking Criticism

Well it sounds easy enough. You take the criticism with a grain of salt. You either learn from it or ignore it. So criticism is good.

Wrong...well kinda...

It is good. But it would be even BETTER if it came with "The Call." instead of the, "I'm sorry but I don't feel I could be successful representing this book."

So how disappointed am I aloud to be without looking like I need to grow some thicker skin?

I'm sad, this was expected.

I'm quite disappointed. It was my first full out and I really liked this agent, but I saw it coming.

I'm somewhat teary eyed from the -I can't help it - feeling of being a failure...is this going too far?

All right kids. Tell me to man up already. You know you want to! But I have to admit, if there is one thing I hate the MOST, it is the feeling of thinking I am a failure. I've already done that (and to a very extreme sense...long story...wasn't quite my fault) and I really don't want to do it again.

So part of me wants to give up...but part of me wants to push harder...MUCH HARDER!!! But I feel like I can't do it alone. I need help perfecting this book. General consensus says it's a great concept...but it's also quite obvious I have not done it well. Do I scrap it? Do I start from scratch? Do I throw it down and start fresh with a completely new idea?

Because I WILL do this. I am more than capable. I'm a damn good writer with a wonderful imagination....I just don't know how to make a living out of it just yet.

So bring on the criticism...(But possibly with a few kind words also...)

Unfocused Motivation

It's been an interesting week for me. I have unintentionally been slightly anti-social up until today. Today I have re-entered the real world and put back on my happy face. (Despite as small funk that continues to linger.) One cannot hide from the world for too long!

So welcome back me and welcome back Motivation. Now if only I could decide where to focus that motivation! It would be productive to possibly clean my house, but I did that on Monday. It would be reasonable to say I could benefit from working on my book, but although I would like to, I'm not sure WHERE to start with it. So instead I have immersed myself back into the blogging world.

My Blogging Accomplishments for the Day

***I wrote a guest post for another fellow blogger that brought on a small bout of unreleased emotion. I will post the link as soon as it is available.

***I noticed when I comment on a new blog and they go to my Profile this is the first blog they pull up. Completely not my intentions! So I wrote a small blurp and a link up above. What do you think of it?

***I asked friends what they would like to know about me in hopes to help with my Website...I did not get the response I hoped for. So if you have any thoughts, please feel free to chime in.

***I commented on all my favorite blogs today! I haven't been commenting lately due to my anti-socialism (Holy Crap...That IS a word! Sweet!) so it felt good to get back in the habit.

And now that I've done all that...I'm afraid I need to move on. What to do with this motivation next...what to do!

Mighty Impressive!

That's how I am feeling about myself today. Despite all that is going on in my head, despite some unhappy circumstances and despite a temporary lack of medication (unintentional!) I am surprisingly and most impressively fairing well.

Now tomorrow....that could be a whole different story ;)

If you build it...will HE come?

I'm not talking about a baseball field...I'm not talking about a Lego City...I'm talking about stress.

My life has been crazy stressful lately. I don't write about it because I don't want to complain. I don't complain because I don't want to irritate. I don't irritate because I feel lonely and I don't want to lose...friends, followers, readers...anyone.

My book is a slight mess. I wanted opinions...I got too many (and good ones too) and now I don't know what to do with it. So I'm contemplating just submitting what I have to the agent who wants my full and calling it good for awhile. Maybe I'll read up on some books about craft, dive into my other story a little more, or even start the second book.

My life is a bit of a mess as well...but I won't go into that.

My head is an on and off again mess....but that's a bit complicated also.

CLEAN UP ON ISLE FIVE ANYONE????

So here's my question in more detail...These messes...well they create stress....and the stress keeps building and building. It's like I'm building a big stress empire in my little feeble mind here. AND I AM THE RULER!!! Bwahahahahaha (Sorry....couldn't stop myself there)

So if I keep building these stresses, will He come? Because I don't FEEL like He's here. I pray and I pray and I ask Him for help and answers...and I sit back and I listen. I really do listen...but I don't here Anything. Do I need to turn up my hearing aids? Did I miss a phone call? Is my radio up too loud? Is my base ball diamond not big enough for him to walk out onto my imaginary field of stress and hopelessness? Is it because I didn't go to Church last Sunday? Cuz I totally wanted to, but well, He knows what happened. UGH!!!

Have I lost you yet? :)

Any advice? What do you do when you've ran out of hope? Do you just keep swimming? What keeps you positive?

A Kit Kat bar will not suffice!

I think what I REALLY need is a break from it all. A break from my husband, a break from my kids, and a break from my blogs and a break from my book. Well, I could start with just a break from being so emotional.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to put on a pair of headphones, turn them up loud and ignore EVERYONE!?!? That's me today. I am a bad mom today. I will rightfully admit it because it is rightfully so. Every thought in my head, every action I have made is probably insanely controversial.

They were so horrible yesterday. They wouldn't listen, they whined, they cried, they fought. An entire day was spend dealing with their shit! And not just a tiny bit of shit...nope, never ending LOADS of shit. And today....it just keeps piling up.

"He touched me!"

"I don't want to watch that movie!"

"I had that green Lego square first!"

"She won't help me clean my room!"

"I'm hungry!"

"I'm thirsty!"

"The moon is not aligned correctly and Mars is not nearly close enough to Jupiter!"

SERIOUSLY!!!!

Whining, crying, fighting!!!! Where is my closet and where is my pillow? I need to lock myself away and just scream till I lose my voice.

I want to work on my book, but the noise won't stop. I want to take a shower, but I'm afraid they'll destroy my each other, or worse, my house! (Destroying one another would, in the end, provide silence would it not? In this case I fear for my house more!) I want to be a good mom, but they are making it impossible this week.

So I scream, I yell, I spank, I cry. All the proper ingredients for one of those "Bad Mommy's"!!! By blogging definition, I am one of the worst. Except sadly I am on a diet and can't even drink it all away! (But I WANT to!)

So I want a break. A day without family. Because I am sorry, I can not be one of those perfect moms who loves her kids 24/7 and can't go more than a few hours away from them. I envy those mothers, really I do. But I am just not one of them. I like week long vacations that don't involve my kids. And I LOVE weekends away from them AND my husband (not that's I've ever had one, I've only fantasized about it) I want me time. Not them time.

So screw the Kt Kat...break me off a piece of SILENCE!!!!

**I apologize for any rude or offensive material in this post, BUT I did try to hold back and this IS my blog for venting. One can not be all proper and practically perfect ALL the time.**

As expected....

I am a bit on the wobbly end today. Well it started yesterday evening. The day had went nicely. I had made some amazing changes to my novel, finally congratulated my old friend on her baby and enjoyed a nice quiet day with the children mostly getting along and watching movies since it was raining out.

Then the evening hit...

I started to get feedback on the book. The kind of feedback I had been waiting for. The kind of feedback I wanted! People were finally pointing out what was wrong. Just as I had feared/predicted, the book has a slow start. Not too big of a deal seeing as I had spent all day HOPEFULLY correcting the problem, but still...it wasn't positive and I could not help but be disappointed.

The kids started to become unruly. Staying inside had become boring and they were becoming hyper. Hunger was consuming them a bit early and dinner was being demanded. All the while mommy was slowly unraveling. Didn't these kids know I was busy!?! Didn't they know I had just been disappointed!?! How inconsiderate of them.

And the mood stuck...

We ate, we went to the gym, I exercised and felt wonderful, but the mood stuck...

I woke up feeling anything but refreshed as I had been woken at least 5 times since 4am. Don't these people know I just ran a mile, played a 1/2 hour of tennis, biked for 8 minutes then spent an hour in the pool? Can't they see I'm tired!!! The mood still lingered...

And NOW...now my children are arguing, my new changes to the first chapter are still lacking. I'm tired and the mood is intensifying!!!

Can somebody please just like my book, take my kids away and take me out to Olive Garden for some Soup, Salad and Bread Sticks please????

Identity Crisis Continues

This one is slightly different though. It's my identity as a writer that I am confused about. (Yay! No bitchy content alerts needed!!!)

Most of the writers that I follow through blogs/twitter/facebook are from the Christian Romance variety. I follow them because I hold firm to many of their beliefs and envy their strong faith and outstanding moral principals. I myself pray devoutly EVERY night that my career as a writer works out and my book gets published and becomes popular. (Granted I pray about MANY other things as well....but that would be off topic.) I go to Church almost every Sunday. I beleive in God and that he has an ultimate plan for me, whether I like it or not. But do I REALLY fit in with this group of writers?

Although my novel does center around the aspects of Heaven and Hell and all that is in between (ok well mostly what is in between) I would not necessarily call it Christian Fiction. And there is a large Romantic tone to the book, BUT that is not really what the book is about. If we are being honest here (Which we are ALWAYS being honest here, that's why I started this blog to begin with.) my book is more Fantasy than anything else.

BLECK!!! Fantasy!!! I hate that word. Not only does it sound corny and silly, but it also sounds dirty and naughty. Four things that I HOPE my novel is NOT! Where does that leave me?

I am a Christian, but I do my best to leave all religous aspects out of my story. My novel is set in a Fictional world, well as far as we know...It is definately more in the rhelms of possibility than say Vampires and Wizards, so is that really Fantasy? There is a "love story" in the plot, but the plot is not meant to be a "love story". It is about a girl/woman's struggles between good and evil, but also what she is willing to risk for a man that she loves, although he may not ever love her.

UGH!!! Do you see my problem here! Is this why agents do not feel they want to pick it up? Or is it the fact that there is not enough conflict in the first 3 chapters?

Is being a Christian and having romantic elements in my novel enough to consider me an American Christian Fiction Writer? If not, what groups should I become affiliated with? Is it time to just put up the white flag and surrender to the fantasy world?

Who here can bring me out of this identity crisis that I am struggling with? (Or at least this small portion of my identity crisis to say the least. If you need a better understanding of the remainder of the identy crisis feel free to visit this post)

Just because I chose it doesn't mean I like it!

We make many choices in life. Some are good some are bad. Nearing my thirties (more quickly than I would prefer) I do my best to make the best decisions for me and my family. Unfortunately some of those decisions don't always make me happy. Although I know they are the best for my over all health and stability, it doesn't always mean I like them.

I've made a few decisions to cut some once very close friends out of my life in the last two years. I know it was for the best, for me and some for my marriage, but I have these days, like today, where I just miss these people immeasurably. I ache just thinking about it! But I KNOW I made the best decision by ending these friendships, at least I think I did?!?!

I'd love to go into the details about why I made these decisions, well who am I fooling, actually I'd really rather not. Long drawn out stories can get really boring and I'm not one that prefers to share many of life's depressing details. (Numerous though they may be)

So how do I make the pain go away? How do I stop missing these people who in many instances had a tendency to make me equally as miserable? Especially when there were many times when they did not. How do I stop wanting to be their for my former best friend as she begins to raise her first child? How do I stop missing friends that we hung out with CONSTANTLY at this very same time last year? How do I make it go away?

Sometimes I really hate making the right choices! Although I live a life where I am STILL paying for making so many wrong choices, it's hard to forget how much I enjoyed making them.

It's kinda like, "You're damned if you do, You're damned if you don't" isn't it.

They are all about 3/4 empty!

It's just one of those days...(Ahhhh fond memories of blaring Limp Bizkit! That seems like AGES ago!) I'm being productive today, yet I feel like I'm not. And all the unproductivity from the rest of the week has caught up and bit me in the ass. No need to elaborate...it just is.

All this has left me in a mood. (What? Me...in a mood? Never!!!!) I'm incapably of focusing on the positive today. Too many tiny negatives following me. It's not a question of is the glass half empty or half full, because it's more like there are a crap load of tiny glasses with only a tiny bit of water in each! It's that kind of day.

SURE we are now in a house (Tiny bit full) But the house has a crappy yard, is in a crappy school district and in a crappy city. (See all the empty?)

SURE my book is finished (Tiny bit full) But no agents are biting on it, I feel like it's missing something, it's looking like it is not finished after all. (Oops...more empty)

SURE husband has aquired a lovely job that makes a decent wage (Tiny bit full) But its in a city we hate, we miss our friends, it still doesn't seem to pay the bills, he works tons, is always on call, isn't using all his skills, making us both cranky! (SO much empty for something that should have been half full!)

See where I am going with this? Call me a pessemist...cuz I am...but I am just not feeling it today. Today I am wishing I had sold my book, lived in a gianormous house with a big fat pool and yard in the middle of a really great school district and made so much money that my husband could just freelance and work from home! Anybody out there that can make that happen???? :D

Digging up the Past

So an old friend from High School had her first baby yesterday. Unfortunately this isn't just any old friend, she was THE old friend...my "BFF". Time and life created a somewhat messy falling out and I haven't talked to her in almost 2 years. But my mother suggested today that I wish her a "Congrats" on facebook. *Sigh*

The rough thing is, I've known she was pregnant due to facebook and other friends, and it has literally pained me to watch her go through her pregnancy without being there. I miss her something fierce, but sadly, being her friend often hurt just as much.

To congratulate her would be to be offering up the white flag of peace. It would say that, "Sure, I'd love to be friends again." Which in all retrospect, I can't say that this is true. I'm very hurt by the way our friendship ended, as I am sure she is too. And I have also changed an IMMENSE amount since we last parted. My life experiences have been very uncharacteristic of my old self and who I am now is only a glimmer of who I was then. I am positive she would not accept me.

That being said, I really do miss her and I really do wish I could offer her my congratulations. Losing a Best Friend is just like breaking up with a Boyfriend whom you felt deep emotions for. You never forget them, and you will always care about them.

So to you, former BFF, here is my silent, and slightly (ok possibly more than slightly) over dramatic Congratulations on your new baby. I am so proud of you and happy that everything went well. (Not to mention the fact that you got to name him the name you've had picked out for more than 10 years!)

One Angry Wife Later...

... and THIS is what I come home from the store with.

After which I throw a bag of ice and some pre-made Cuervo Margarita mix to the husband and say, "Make yourself useful."

The best part is....he did!!!

And THAT is better than an apology!

Afraid to Cry...

Ever felt that way? There are many things that can trigger this fear.

What if I start and I never stop?

What if it makes me look weaker than I already feel?

What if it makes things worse than they already are?

And then there is always the logic behind it. It's not going to solve anything. This situation is not going to change from a few shed tears. You are going to wake up in the morning and the problem is still going to be staring you right in the face. Decisions will still need to be made. Changes are going to have to take place. And life is not going to get better just because you cried.

So I don't. I sit...I stare at a computer screen, wanting to scream, wanting to break down. But instead I write. I try to make sense of it, where there is no sense to be made. And then I sit..and I stare...out the window, at the ceiling, then at the back of my eye lids ... until I fall asleep.

All this...because I am afraid to cry...

It's Miraculous

Nothing to bitch about today...just had to point that out.

This in itself is as impressive as turning water into wine. I'm serious!!!

So um...where's my medal?

Losing My Sight

"Losing my Sight, Losing my Mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine!"

Sorry, had to throw a song quote in there. I was inspired. *Winks eye at Inspiring Friend*

I wish I was open and honest and unafraid. I started this "Secret" (Dare I say scandalous...hahaha...ok, too many inside jokes already, I'll stop!) Blog to open up and vent and air my frustrations, but now it has followers. And all of a sudden I am thrown to a halt. Thoughts about...

"What will they think of me if I tell them it's noon and it was inevitable I would get cranky ... well ... because it's afternoon .. that's why!"

"Will they stop reading my other blog if they realize that not only am I random, but I'm possibly, no probably, more complex than most people would imagine?"

"Wow, I'm so glad I don't have to wear a bra today." (Oops...veering off track there...)

"Do my excessive ... and !!! and parenthesis bother my readers?"

I haven't quite figured out why I am so afraid to be me. I mean I am me and all, but I don't want anyone to see it.

It was funny because shortly after I started my first blog my husband said to me, "Wow, I didn't know you were that funny." Seriously?! Who am I at home?

This is the perfect example of what I am trying to get at. I feel like I am in the middle of an identity crisis lately. I've lost sight of who I am. Ok, OBVIOUSLY (Oh do my excessive use of CAPS annoy you also?) I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a (trying to be) writer, a joker, a smoker and a midnight toker...ok well night the last 2 (that's right! quit smoking!!! go me!)

But who am I REALLY? I've gotten very lost in trying to be who everyone wants me to be that I'm not quite sure who I really am. Well I do...kinda...but I'm not so sure I want everyone to know! Ever feel like that? Have you lost sight of who you are? Do you fear losing the ones you love if only they knew?

Wow it kinda makes me sound horrible!!! I'm not really, but many things can turn people away. Religion, social status, mental status, feelings about friends, feelings about family, feelings about yourself, the past, the present, hopes for the future! We all hide some of this...or is it just me?

My confidence needs a nice supportive...bra?

Well we all know that those girls aren't going to support themselves! Well after talking to someone who is not as supportive as I had thought, I am feeling like quite the boob right now. That's right, I am in need of some sturdy under-wire and possibly a "Cross your heart" strap set!

Some days I feel incredibly supported and confident. I can hold my chest out (no pun intended) and keep my head up high. Other days I sit slouched in my chair and blog about useless crap in order to make me feel even the slightest bit more self-assured.

My new book isn't going as smoothly as I'd hoped. I've got ideas, but I'm not so sure I'm as dark and twisty as these ideas are becoming. Although I can APPEAR dark and twisty like...my mind is more like a group of gnomes running around in a field with absolutely no destination in site, and if there is a destination, the map seems to have been misplaced.

Have I confused you yet? All this talk of crappy bras and aimless gnomes...I'm bound to start making people consider placing me into an institution! It's all good, imagine how much time I'd have to write in there!!! (Ok ok....poorly placed witticism...I know)

So anyone know where to get a good bra?

Talk about some Self Doubt

One of my fellow bloggers wrote about having some self doubt today. I'm rather full of that, whether it be as a mother, a wife, a friend, a writer, but most importantly relevant for this post, I have uncomfortable amounts of self doubt in regards to this blog.

I have often times changed the settings to private, only to change it back to open to the public the next day. I worry that people will stop reading my other blog after reading how incredibly bitchy I can be in this blog. My two blogs are synonymous with Dr. Jeckle and Ms. Hyde. One is happy and bubbly and the other is unhappy and pessimistic. Granted, in all reality, that is who I am. My husband often complains because he never knows "Which Mary" he's going to get every day. It's quite frustrating, because I often wonder the same.

So what do my few readers think. Should change my "Dark and Twisty" Blog settings back to private? Do you think I am bound to scare everyone away from my primary blog? Or do you enjoy my often pessimistic and irritatingly crank-pot ramblings?

Rejecting Rejection!

That's right! I would love to just email these agents back and say, "Yeah, well I reject your rejection!!!" I have a feeling they would put me on their spam list and refuse all further emails after that point. Sigh...

Well the rejection I got today wasn't a form rejection at least. Instead I got....

"Dear Marybeth
Thanks for sending along the opening pages of The Guardian. Truth be told, though, I'm afraid these pages just didn't draw me in as much as I had hoped. I'm pressed for time these days and, what with my reservations about the project, I suspect I wouldn't be the best fit. Thanks so much for contacting me, though, and for giving me this opportunity. It's much appreciated, and I'm sorry to be passing. I wish you the very best of luck in your search for representation."

Well at least I initially had her excited?!?! Right? So now I have to wonder, should I change my first chapter? Or should I just leave it the way it is and keep waiting for the SMART agents to get back to me?

I don't do well with rejection. I suspect that means I am heading towards the wrong career path. Is there a career that involves 0% rejection? Cuz maybe I need to learn that trade! I think I need to go back and reread some agent posts about rising above constant rejection.

Only the Lonely (Was that Elvis?)

I think it's funny that people keep visiting this blog and not the other. It's not what was intended, so I made it personal for a moment again. Sometimes it's easier to just make people believe you are chipper and upbeat and funny all the time. Reality is...kinda far from it, but I like the illusion better than the reality.

Today I'm lonely. VERY lonely. After a conversation with my husband and feeling distant from all of my friends, not to mention an old friend that I no longer speak to being about to have a baby, I can't help but feel this way. I've come to a place in my life where I don't really feel like I COMPLETELY relate to anyone. I do not know of anyone who has been through all of my experiences or shares all my belief or even really excepts me for who I really am for that matter. It's frustrating.

After losing so many friends (well actually giving them up) and having a rocky marriage for the last few years I can't help but wonder what I am doing wrong and racking my brain about how I can change it. Although how can you change something you aren't aware of and how do you become aware of it when you are too afraid to ask? And what if it something you can't change?

I know it sounds laughable, but I really miss having a BFF. It's been years since I've had one, but I miss it regardless. I've changed to much to reunite with the BFF I once had and I know she would not understand many of the decisions I have made, but that doesn't stop me for aching to have one again.

So I am lonely. I miss my friends. I miss being able to make my husband incredibly happy. I miss my sisters who live so far away. And I miss that window I used to sit in and stare out and sing every time I got lonely.

(Lonely - Not to be confused with depressed...VERY different moods...just for anyone who wondered)

It's Official

I have officially established the middle of the day as the cranky hour(s). Today is not as bad as some, but it's getting there.

Once again I continue on my quest to find a new place to live. BAD IDEA. After losing my home to foreclosure a year ago, trying to find a place to live is like taking a 10 pairs of human nails to a chalk board multiple times in a row. The excruciating reminder that I am now a loser is insanely depressing, thus I prefer to keep this quest for a new dwelling to a minimum.

After being offered an option from the heavens, I can't help but think there must be a catch. Surely this deal will fall through at the last minute and or it will head south and become non existent. I can't quite share the offer that has been placed before me just yet. Partially because I don't want to jinx it and partially because I'm not quite sure it is going to happen and also partially because it involves family. And although you may not know it, the last deal I took part in with family was NOT placed into "The Best Moments of my Life" category, especially after ending in me foreclosing upon my house. The last thing I want to do is end up in another situation like that!

So instead here I sit on Craigs List attempting to make a back up plain. It's actually turning into a HousehuntFAIL! And also aiding and abetting in my afternoon cranky hour(s) thus I will halt the process and save it for another afternoon. Possibly a little more Harry Potter will cheer this Po Mo Fo up?

And here we go again...

Maybe it's just this time of day? Early afternoon...the day started of nicely, then went down hill slowly as wee son decided to inch by inch melt into a pool of naughtiness. UGH!

I should probably be taking a nap with him right now, but instead I am attempting to catch up on all my blogs, facebook, twitter, and other addicting social media websites.

I've had 6 rejections now and only one MS request which I haven't heard from in a week. Typical, but still frustrating. I've become afraid to open my MS Outlook email for fear of more rejections. If anything, can't they just give me some advice already???

And thus, I am cranky. Cranky and tired and feeling life is impossibly complicated. Although my website got great reviews! Why can't the same be said for my danged book!!! UGH.

Ups and Downs!

That was my weekend. There were good moments and bad moments. That kinda happens on the long weekends, especially while spending so much time with my husband and children. I'm not sure what it is about Logan, but I can spend days upon days with him and have no issues. But when you add in the other 3, limited exposure is the best!

I received another form rejection last night too. I hate how each rejection hits me so hard. I feel like with each one I am one step further from my ultimate goal of getting published. Tobby says it's the opposite, that each rejection gets me one step closer. Stupid boy, what does he know anyway?

Other than that and the absolute hatred of this house that we are living in, it was a mostly up weekend. Quite surprising really, but I won't complain. I wish every weekend was like that! Can't wait to give Tobby his present that, as far as I know, he has no clue that I even purchased :D

Well, till my next manic meltdown.....

Euphoric Meltdown

Well of course that doesn't make sense! How can you be Euphoric while having a Meltdown? Well let me tell you how this works...

First you are Euphoric...on top of the world! (Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nobody gonna hold me down! Oh No! I gotta keep on movin!) In my case I got a request for a full manuscript within one hour of sending out the query. SWEET...for a few minutes at least... Then the euphoria fades away for some reason or another, and let me tell ya, not a reason worth getting so worked up about, but you've already done it. The euphoria is gone and all you are left with is the melt down! WATCH OUT WORLD (Give me something to break!!!)

I am not sure why this happens. In all retrospect I should still be happy and excited, but I am not. About an hour after the MS request I got another form rejection and all the happiness was slipping. Then the kids came home and decided to do everything BUT listen to me and the happiness disappeared. Now all I am left with is crankiness towards my children and a startling lack of confidence once again.

So yeah, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Still here I am, once again the victim of a Euphoric Meltdown. Somebody just come slap me!

Welcome to my Warped World

Ok maybe not so warped...but slightly twisted. There are days where I am on top of the world, then there are days like today...where the world is weighing heavily on top of me.

The irony of it all...nothing is really wrong.

Life isn't really that bad. Great kids, great husband (mostly) and not much to complain about really. But I am just not with it today. Just not happy. Just not content.

Welcome to the wonderful world of being Bi-Polar! And sadly, this is controlled and well managed Bi-Polar. I take my meds every day and I go to counseling, yet I still am very discontent with my mediocre life. Oh wait...hadn't I just said it was Great? Well in theory it is....but in my little head...it's merely mediocre.

Why?

Well it's kinda complicated really. Probably just because I'm an idiot...or maybe because I am ungrateful...possibly even because I incapable of happiness. Or maybe I'm just a victim of random tragedies in a world without a true heroine (not the drug...heroine...as in hero...which my life is greatly lacking)

Give me a week....once someone notices it, I'll more than likely delete this blog. But until then, I thought it might be nice to just let it all out. Get up on my Soap Box and expose my insanity if you will. It could be interesting....right??? Well at the very least...maybe it will release some tension and stress. Everyone needs to vent sometimes!