It ALWAYS Grows Back

It came out of nowhere a couple days ago. I NEEDED to look at all my old pictures of me. I NEEDED to see all my old hair cuts, all my past fashion blunders, and that hot body I had at one point and time in my life.

I NEEDED to see the evolution of me.

So I grabbed the first book. The photo album that started with the day I met my husband.

June 30, 1999

Ah those sandals. I was sad when they broke.

ANYWAY

It was the shortest my hair had ever been. I wrote a post about it once on another blog ... "What the Length of my Hair Says About Me" ... The length of my hair said everything about me in this photo. And everything about my mood.

Merely a month before the photo was taken, I had lost my job, lost my best friend, been exiled by my ex who, at the time was ... well let's just say I thought he was the one, and really ... I'd just had it. I was done. Merely one month before this photo, I was a mess. Life had dealt me a shitty, shitty hand and I'd had it. 

I was the human equivalent of Eeyore.

It might as well have been the end. 

When actually ... It was just the beginning.

Somehow I was smart enough to say, "Fuck it!!! I'm better than everything that's happening to me."

I graduated high school and changed who I was. I chopped my hair ... like UBER short ... like this is going to take YEARS to grow back short ... got a new job, made new friends, and decided, "I'm gonna be hot. Even if that's not how I feel. I'm gonna embrace the new me and make everyone else believe I AM hot shit."

So I did.

Worked out in my favor. Considering I met my husband and and all.

It was a fun album to look at. I couldn't stop. I kept flipping the pages. The memories washed over me with a warm sense of nostalgia. 

Then ... the judgements took over. 

It started when I set eyes on the pics of our little 18 yr old bodies ...

Then looked down at my little post surgical belly ...

I sighed ... a big sigh.

But the disappointment of my aging body didn't stop me. I kept looking. 

Probably should've called it a day.

But I kept looking. 

Kept staring in awe of my youth and my gorgeous glowing CLEAR face!

Yes, this was the face once untainted by mood stabilizers and lithium. 

Before THIS ...

and THIS ...

I kept on looking through all the photos. Tore open boxes of more old photos. Journeyed to the basement for envelopes (remember photo envelopes ... ah ... good ol film) of MORE photos. I kept looking and I kept judging.

I WAS hot once. I had an uber hot body once. I had short hair that grew into long hair. I had a clear face. I had a slender frame.

I WAS HOT!

Now ... Present day ... I don't feel so beautiful.

And I've tried changing it all. 

I got hella skinny last summer. Grew my hair down to the middle of my back. Highlighted it with all sorts of blond. Tanned my skin hoping to rid and/or hide the acne. I was trying to be the ideal "sexy" in every way I could think.

And this picture is great. (Thanks Allysia!!!) But I still didn't feel hot. Not like I did back then.

Funniest thing is, I was in better shape than I was when I was hella teenage skinny. I was in better health. Still stupid in love with the same damn guy that fell for me back then and still, for some unknown but seemingly ridiculous reason, seems to be stupid in love with me too.

I kept looking through the pictures. Kept watching my appearance evolve over the years.

Long hair.

Short hair.

Skinny.

Pregnant.

Post pregnant weight gains.

Skinny again.

Weight gains.

Long hair.

Short hair.

The bang debacle of 2007 where I thought the world would DEFINITELY end because me and bangs ... um NO!

I'd cut my hair and get sad it was short, but then it would grow back and be long. It always grew back.

But it's not about weight is it? It's not about the length of my hair. It's not about the clarity of my skin. It's about me. It's about how I view my life and how I look at the world. It's all about my mind set.

These past few years have been rough. I've been in and out of the hospital for my bipolar disorder due to med complications and severe depressive states. I've been in a great deal of pain due to an illness called Interstitial Cystitis as well as lady issue that caused me to have all but one ovary of my reproductive system removed. There have been a great many changes in my life that have caused me to go back to being my human Eeyore.

I know it's not the end. But most days, it feels like it. Just like it did back then.

But despite that, despite my depression and negative feelings, I REALLY want to get back to that place where I just say, "FUCK IT! I'm hot shit!"

There are facts that I have to accept. I've had three babies and a hysterectomy. My stomach is NEVER going to look like it did when I was 18. I have bipolar, thus I am on hard core medications. My face may or may not get to be as clear as it was before my diagnosis. And my hair, it's gonna be long and it's going to be short.

But it will ALWAYS grow back.

So I've decided to embrace this thought. Why can't life be like hair? I mean things do get bad. Life does get hard. But it gets better. The good grows back. And yeah ... the good disappears again too. But it ALWAYS comes back.

And there's a lot of good to come. I know if I REALLY think about things, there is a lot of good to come. Once I am healed from surgery, I've got a great new photo project planned. I'll be done with school soon and life IS going really well despite the bad things that have happened. I may still be in pain, but I'm on the way to getting answers and closer to healing these ailments.

The good will grow back.

I'm on medication for my acne. My face will (hopefully!) get clear again.

And as soon as my body heals, I'll be able to run and work out again and maybe I won't have a pretty tummy, but that doesn't mean it won't be slim and it won't be healthy.

And so ...

I've decided to say "FUCK IT! I'm gonna be hot shit!"

I chopped all my hair off again. Just like I did when I was 18! Actually ... it's even shorter now.

March 26, 2015

Because guess what?

IT WILL GROW BACK!

And it will grow as my success grows. Because I AM hot shit! I am better than all the bad things that have happened and I can rise above it. I am hot shit, and I'm going to make everyone else in the world believe it.

Of Facts and Judgements and the Evils Therein

If there is one thing I've learned in DBT, it is that Judgements are NOT Facts.

If there is one thing I've learned from being bipolar, it is that Judgements are SOOOO much easier to believe than Facts.

And I have a LOT of Judgements about myself.

Mountains of Judgements

Judgements that could cover Mountains

These are massive Judgements kids. Massive!

But ... some are actually Facts ... sorta

I think more accurately, they are derived from the Facts.

Example ...

FACT: My husband got a new, amazing job this past fall/winter which leaves him with a 1 1/2 hour commute each way from work every day.

FACT: Due to crime rates and goings on in our own current neighborhood, as well as the inadequate amount of space we are currently residing in, this home is not right for our family.

JUDGEMENT/FACT: These two factors make it obvious ... we need to move. HOWEVER, we technically CAN stay where we are. We will not die if we stay here, we will just continue to be discontent with our dwelling situation

See, the Fact and the Judgement sorta mesh together. Because it is not quite a Fact that we HAVE to move, however it is a Fact that our happiness will be effected if we do not.

So then it gets kinda tricky and the lines between facts and judgements blur a bit further.

FACT: I took this semester off from school so I could spend time searching for a new house and packing.

FACT: I cannot find a place to move right now. There is not a home that fits our needs available at this time. I've looked. I've asked around. I've searched. I've exhausted the options.

JUDGEMENT/FACT: I am not succeeding at my task which makes me feel useless and like I am a failure. Which I know is absurd because I know it is not in my control. It also seems like a waste of time off from school as my reasons for the break are proving fruitless.

Now I don't know about most of my reader(s), but it seems as though I'm probably in a heavenly position. I have no commitments, no other responsibilities other than keeping my house clean, caring for my family and having dinner on the table. Considering caring for my kids consists of taking them to and from school and making sure they get their chores and homework done, there isn't a whole lot of time that goes into that. And considering I can get the house clean and make dinner while they are doing their chores and homework, I really am left with a great deal of time on my hands.

Thus the heavenly speculations. I've got it made! Right?

JUDGEMENT: WRONG!

FACT: I hate being bored.

FACT: When I'm bored I get depressed.

FACT: When I'm depressed I find it hard to muster up motivation to get unbored.

JUDGEMENT/FACT: Being bored is going to be the undoing of me!!!

Now I KNOW there are plenty of things I could be doing. Drumming up business? Working out? Getting in some quality time with friends? Writing! Living it up basically!!! I get it.

But there is more to the story.

FACT: I am in pain 75% of every day.

FACT: I spend at least 50% of every day with my heating pad

FACT: I named my heating pad Trevor

JUDGEMENT/FACT: Something is very wrong with me. My body is not functioning properly. Bodies shouldn't hurt this much. I should NOT be spending more time cuddling with Trevor than I do my own husband.

What does this mean? Well it really starts out with more judgements than anything

JUDGEMENT: It will hurt too much to work out. I mean most times it doesn't, but there's always that fear that it will. And even if the fear isn't there. I hurt. I don't want to work out and make my body hurt more.

JUDGEMENT: I hurt, thus I complain and no one wants to listen to me bitch and/or talk about my new love affair with Trevor.

JUDGEMENT: I can't start a new photography project or take on new clients because what if the pain gets worse? Then I don't end up getting the product finished in time and that's a whole new bag of crap I don't want to deal with.

JUDGEMENT: I don't know what to write, thus it's a waste of my time to even try. Plus, writing is not part of my life plan anymore (sad face).

FACT: These are all judgements.

And they just get worse. With every fact I form a judgement.

FACT: I have Acne

JUDGEMENT: I am ugly

FACT: I haven't been able to work out due to my pain

JUDGEMENT: I am unfit and unattractive because my bits once again wobble.

FACT: I am bored

JUDGEMENT: I am lazy

FACT: I spend more time watching Revenge than I do with my family

JUDGEMENT: I am a bad mother and wife

FACT: My pain and depression makes me isolate

JUDGEMENT: I am a bad friend

FACT: I AM in pain but doctors can't figure out why or a way to stop it

JUDGEMENT: I don't think the pain will ever go away

FACT: There are negative aspects to this post

JUDGEMENT: People are going to hate it and just be irritated with me

For every fact I create a judgement and for some reason these judgements become more important to me than the facts, or any other facts or judgement that can disprove my negative judgements.

Still, in DBT we are also encouraged to pay attention to the positives. And there are many positives in my life.

FACT: My husband has a great job

FACT: I have amazing children. (Call that a judgement all you want, but seriously ... they do some amazing shit!!!)

FACT: I have a roof over my head

FACT: I have friends who care about me (or at least I hope that's a fact ...)

FACT: I have a very supportive family.

FACT: My dog is uber awesome. TOTALLY FACT!!!

I am yet to find the Fact that helps me understand why that's not enough for me. What kind of person am I???? How can that NOT be enough? How can those Facts not make me a blissfully grateful person???

JUDGEMENT: I SHOULD be insanely happy considering all the gifts I have been given.

FACT: I am not

JUDGEMENT: That makes me a truly awful person

But that is a judgement, isn't it? I mean, I'm not unhappy with the things I've been given. I do love my husband and my children, and my dog is rather rad. I AM very grateful for everything. I have more friends that I could have ever asked for and I am in awe of their kindness and adore that friendship. I do not look down on the life I have been blessed with.

But it's like this ...

JUDGEMENT: These things have all been given to me.

JUDGEMENT: I give nothing in return

JUDGEMENT: I do not contribute to the greater good of anything ... because FACT ... I do not work. FACT ... I do not go to school. FACT ... I do pretty much nothing all day long.

FACT: I want to be more than who I am.

FACT: I want to matter for something more than just cleaning the house and making dinner

FACT: I want to feel like I earned the life that I have been given

FACT: The majority of the things I'm going through ARE temporary and will pass.

JUDGEMENT: Between the pain and the depression and all the aching Judgements in my head ... I don't know how to get by until it passes and it feels like it's going to be forever until it has.

FACT: I will get by.

*deep breath*

Facts and Judgements are tricky little bitches. At times they are bold and clear cut. You can tell one from the other without hesitation. Other times, however, they can be intertwined as much as a vine on a branch. Two of the same, yet so different. I often need to remind myself to cut through the vines and pry apart the Facts and Judgements until all I see is that branch. That clear cut Fact.

But it's like I said at the start, Judgements are NOT Facts.

And there is 1 very important Fact I was made aware of in group a few weeks ago ...

FACT: My success rate for getting through rough shit is 100%

That's the Fact I need to focus on. Because, to me, this pain and these feelings or being useless are shitty. It's hard (at least for me) to spend most of the day hurting. And it's difficult to feel like you don't have a purpose. But it's also not the first time I've been through these things. Maybe they are different this time. Maybe they are even harder. But maybe this time will have a better outcome. Maybe this time they'll figure out what's wrong. Maybe I'll spend my days sitting on my ass and still do something brilliant.

And maybe I won't

Who knows?

Regardless ... I will get through it. THAT is a Fact.