It ALWAYS Grows Back

It came out of nowhere a couple days ago. I NEEDED to look at all my old pictures of me. I NEEDED to see all my old hair cuts, all my past fashion blunders, and that hot body I had at one point and time in my life.

I NEEDED to see the evolution of me.

So I grabbed the first book. The photo album that started with the day I met my husband.

June 30, 1999

Ah those sandals. I was sad when they broke.

ANYWAY

It was the shortest my hair had ever been. I wrote a post about it once on another blog ... "What the Length of my Hair Says About Me" ... The length of my hair said everything about me in this photo. And everything about my mood.

Merely a month before the photo was taken, I had lost my job, lost my best friend, been exiled by my ex who, at the time was ... well let's just say I thought he was the one, and really ... I'd just had it. I was done. Merely one month before this photo, I was a mess. Life had dealt me a shitty, shitty hand and I'd had it. 

I was the human equivalent of Eeyore.

It might as well have been the end. 

When actually ... It was just the beginning.

Somehow I was smart enough to say, "Fuck it!!! I'm better than everything that's happening to me."

I graduated high school and changed who I was. I chopped my hair ... like UBER short ... like this is going to take YEARS to grow back short ... got a new job, made new friends, and decided, "I'm gonna be hot. Even if that's not how I feel. I'm gonna embrace the new me and make everyone else believe I AM hot shit."

So I did.

Worked out in my favor. Considering I met my husband and and all.

It was a fun album to look at. I couldn't stop. I kept flipping the pages. The memories washed over me with a warm sense of nostalgia. 

Then ... the judgements took over. 

It started when I set eyes on the pics of our little 18 yr old bodies ...

Then looked down at my little post surgical belly ...

I sighed ... a big sigh.

But the disappointment of my aging body didn't stop me. I kept looking. 

Probably should've called it a day.

But I kept looking. 

Kept staring in awe of my youth and my gorgeous glowing CLEAR face!

Yes, this was the face once untainted by mood stabilizers and lithium. 

Before THIS ...

and THIS ...

I kept on looking through all the photos. Tore open boxes of more old photos. Journeyed to the basement for envelopes (remember photo envelopes ... ah ... good ol film) of MORE photos. I kept looking and I kept judging.

I WAS hot once. I had an uber hot body once. I had short hair that grew into long hair. I had a clear face. I had a slender frame.

I WAS HOT!

Now ... Present day ... I don't feel so beautiful.

And I've tried changing it all. 

I got hella skinny last summer. Grew my hair down to the middle of my back. Highlighted it with all sorts of blond. Tanned my skin hoping to rid and/or hide the acne. I was trying to be the ideal "sexy" in every way I could think.

And this picture is great. (Thanks Allysia!!!) But I still didn't feel hot. Not like I did back then.

Funniest thing is, I was in better shape than I was when I was hella teenage skinny. I was in better health. Still stupid in love with the same damn guy that fell for me back then and still, for some unknown but seemingly ridiculous reason, seems to be stupid in love with me too.

I kept looking through the pictures. Kept watching my appearance evolve over the years.

Long hair.

Short hair.

Skinny.

Pregnant.

Post pregnant weight gains.

Skinny again.

Weight gains.

Long hair.

Short hair.

The bang debacle of 2007 where I thought the world would DEFINITELY end because me and bangs ... um NO!

I'd cut my hair and get sad it was short, but then it would grow back and be long. It always grew back.

But it's not about weight is it? It's not about the length of my hair. It's not about the clarity of my skin. It's about me. It's about how I view my life and how I look at the world. It's all about my mind set.

These past few years have been rough. I've been in and out of the hospital for my bipolar disorder due to med complications and severe depressive states. I've been in a great deal of pain due to an illness called Interstitial Cystitis as well as lady issue that caused me to have all but one ovary of my reproductive system removed. There have been a great many changes in my life that have caused me to go back to being my human Eeyore.

I know it's not the end. But most days, it feels like it. Just like it did back then.

But despite that, despite my depression and negative feelings, I REALLY want to get back to that place where I just say, "FUCK IT! I'm hot shit!"

There are facts that I have to accept. I've had three babies and a hysterectomy. My stomach is NEVER going to look like it did when I was 18. I have bipolar, thus I am on hard core medications. My face may or may not get to be as clear as it was before my diagnosis. And my hair, it's gonna be long and it's going to be short.

But it will ALWAYS grow back.

So I've decided to embrace this thought. Why can't life be like hair? I mean things do get bad. Life does get hard. But it gets better. The good grows back. And yeah ... the good disappears again too. But it ALWAYS comes back.

And there's a lot of good to come. I know if I REALLY think about things, there is a lot of good to come. Once I am healed from surgery, I've got a great new photo project planned. I'll be done with school soon and life IS going really well despite the bad things that have happened. I may still be in pain, but I'm on the way to getting answers and closer to healing these ailments.

The good will grow back.

I'm on medication for my acne. My face will (hopefully!) get clear again.

And as soon as my body heals, I'll be able to run and work out again and maybe I won't have a pretty tummy, but that doesn't mean it won't be slim and it won't be healthy.

And so ...

I've decided to say "FUCK IT! I'm gonna be hot shit!"

I chopped all my hair off again. Just like I did when I was 18! Actually ... it's even shorter now.

March 26, 2015

Because guess what?

IT WILL GROW BACK!

And it will grow as my success grows. Because I AM hot shit! I am better than all the bad things that have happened and I can rise above it. I am hot shit, and I'm going to make everyone else in the world believe it.