If there is one thing I've learned in DBT, it is that Judgements are NOT Facts.
If there is one thing I've learned from being bipolar, it is that Judgements are SOOOO much easier to believe than Facts.
And I have a LOT of Judgements about myself.
Mountains of Judgements
Judgements that could cover Mountains
These are massive Judgements kids. Massive!
But ... some are actually Facts ... sorta
I think more accurately, they are derived from the Facts.
Example ...
FACT: My husband got a new, amazing job this past fall/winter which leaves him with a 1 1/2 hour commute each way from work every day.
FACT: Due to crime rates and goings on in our own current neighborhood, as well as the inadequate amount of space we are currently residing in, this home is not right for our family.
JUDGEMENT/FACT: These two factors make it obvious ... we need to move. HOWEVER, we technically CAN stay where we are. We will not die if we stay here, we will just continue to be discontent with our dwelling situation
See, the Fact and the Judgement sorta mesh together. Because it is not quite a Fact that we HAVE to move, however it is a Fact that our happiness will be effected if we do not.
So then it gets kinda tricky and the lines between facts and judgements blur a bit further.
FACT: I took this semester off from school so I could spend time searching for a new house and packing.
FACT: I cannot find a place to move right now. There is not a home that fits our needs available at this time. I've looked. I've asked around. I've searched. I've exhausted the options.
JUDGEMENT/FACT: I am not succeeding at my task which makes me feel useless and like I am a failure. Which I know is absurd because I know it is not in my control. It also seems like a waste of time off from school as my reasons for the break are proving fruitless.
Now I don't know about most of my reader(s), but it seems as though I'm probably in a heavenly position. I have no commitments, no other responsibilities other than keeping my house clean, caring for my family and having dinner on the table. Considering caring for my kids consists of taking them to and from school and making sure they get their chores and homework done, there isn't a whole lot of time that goes into that. And considering I can get the house clean and make dinner while they are doing their chores and homework, I really am left with a great deal of time on my hands.
Thus the heavenly speculations. I've got it made! Right?
JUDGEMENT: WRONG!
FACT: I hate being bored.
FACT: When I'm bored I get depressed.
FACT: When I'm depressed I find it hard to muster up motivation to get unbored.
JUDGEMENT/FACT: Being bored is going to be the undoing of me!!!
Now I KNOW there are plenty of things I could be doing. Drumming up business? Working out? Getting in some quality time with friends? Writing! Living it up basically!!! I get it.
But there is more to the story.
FACT: I am in pain 75% of every day.
FACT: I spend at least 50% of every day with my heating pad
FACT: I named my heating pad Trevor
JUDGEMENT/FACT: Something is very wrong with me. My body is not functioning properly. Bodies shouldn't hurt this much. I should NOT be spending more time cuddling with Trevor than I do my own husband.
What does this mean? Well it really starts out with more judgements than anything
JUDGEMENT: It will hurt too much to work out. I mean most times it doesn't, but there's always that fear that it will. And even if the fear isn't there. I hurt. I don't want to work out and make my body hurt more.
JUDGEMENT: I hurt, thus I complain and no one wants to listen to me bitch and/or talk about my new love affair with Trevor.
JUDGEMENT: I can't start a new photography project or take on new clients because what if the pain gets worse? Then I don't end up getting the product finished in time and that's a whole new bag of crap I don't want to deal with.
JUDGEMENT: I don't know what to write, thus it's a waste of my time to even try. Plus, writing is not part of my life plan anymore (sad face).
FACT: These are all judgements.
And they just get worse. With every fact I form a judgement.
FACT: I have Acne
JUDGEMENT: I am ugly
FACT: I haven't been able to work out due to my pain
JUDGEMENT: I am unfit and unattractive because my bits once again wobble.
FACT: I am bored
JUDGEMENT: I am lazy
FACT: I spend more time watching Revenge than I do with my family
JUDGEMENT: I am a bad mother and wife
FACT: My pain and depression makes me isolate
JUDGEMENT: I am a bad friend
FACT: I AM in pain but doctors can't figure out why or a way to stop it
JUDGEMENT: I don't think the pain will ever go away
FACT: There are negative aspects to this post
JUDGEMENT: People are going to hate it and just be irritated with me
For every fact I create a judgement and for some reason these judgements become more important to me than the facts, or any other facts or judgement that can disprove my negative judgements.
Still, in DBT we are also encouraged to pay attention to the positives. And there are many positives in my life.
FACT: My husband has a great job
FACT: I have amazing children. (Call that a judgement all you want, but seriously ... they do some amazing shit!!!)
FACT: I have a roof over my head
FACT: I have friends who care about me (or at least I hope that's a fact ...)
FACT: I have a very supportive family.
FACT: My dog is uber awesome. TOTALLY FACT!!!
I am yet to find the Fact that helps me understand why that's not enough for me. What kind of person am I???? How can that NOT be enough? How can those Facts not make me a blissfully grateful person???
JUDGEMENT: I SHOULD be insanely happy considering all the gifts I have been given.
FACT: I am not
JUDGEMENT: That makes me a truly awful person
But that is a judgement, isn't it? I mean, I'm not unhappy with the things I've been given. I do love my husband and my children, and my dog is rather rad. I AM very grateful for everything. I have more friends that I could have ever asked for and I am in awe of their kindness and adore that friendship. I do not look down on the life I have been blessed with.
But it's like this ...
JUDGEMENT: These things have all been given to me.
JUDGEMENT: I give nothing in return
JUDGEMENT: I do not contribute to the greater good of anything ... because FACT ... I do not work. FACT ... I do not go to school. FACT ... I do pretty much nothing all day long.
FACT: I want to be more than who I am.
FACT: I want to matter for something more than just cleaning the house and making dinner
FACT: I want to feel like I earned the life that I have been given
FACT: The majority of the things I'm going through ARE temporary and will pass.
JUDGEMENT: Between the pain and the depression and all the aching Judgements in my head ... I don't know how to get by until it passes and it feels like it's going to be forever until it has.
FACT: I will get by.
*deep breath*
Facts and Judgements are tricky little bitches. At times they are bold and clear cut. You can tell one from the other without hesitation. Other times, however, they can be intertwined as much as a vine on a branch. Two of the same, yet so different. I often need to remind myself to cut through the vines and pry apart the Facts and Judgements until all I see is that branch. That clear cut Fact.
But it's like I said at the start, Judgements are NOT Facts.
And there is 1 very important Fact I was made aware of in group a few weeks ago ...
FACT: My success rate for getting through rough shit is 100%
That's the Fact I need to focus on. Because, to me, this pain and these feelings or being useless are shitty. It's hard (at least for me) to spend most of the day hurting. And it's difficult to feel like you don't have a purpose. But it's also not the first time I've been through these things. Maybe they are different this time. Maybe they are even harder. But maybe this time will have a better outcome. Maybe this time they'll figure out what's wrong. Maybe I'll spend my days sitting on my ass and still do something brilliant.
And maybe I won't
Who knows?
Regardless ... I will get through it. THAT is a Fact.
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