Random thoughts of Ridiculousness

I've pretty much lost it.

Not sure what triggered it.

Maybe the rapid change in weather. Maybe a long standing happiness that needed a break. Maybe an argument with  my daughter. Maybe the mountainous pile of laundry screaming to be folded.

Whatever the cause it's left me unable to function like a proper human.

Life is good.

Husband is great.

Kids are cute.

Yet I still manage to loathe my life.

And here's why ....

All these ridiculous thoughts keep going through my head and as I attempt to rationalize them, they only make me more depressed. Even when the fact of the matter is ... I have nothing to be depressed about.

Here's a random five minutes spent in my brain. (I apologize in advance for any run on sentences or obscure statements, but it's how my brain thinks.)

Oh ... and don't forget to picture my face streaming with causeless tears. Wanna make sure you get the full effect here.

Crap, I'm crying. Why am I crying? This is so ridiculous. I've known about this stupid illness for almost 5 years now and yet here I am crying. I should be able to stop this. Why is my dog upstairs? Stupid dog. I hate my dog. I can't believe I am so upset over practically nothing. Well I guess it's something. After all ... I feel like an epic failure. I skipped class last night. It's thursday and I have a weeks worth of math homework due tomorrow. I've neglected my website. I'm lonely, worried about money, feeling like a rotten mother, wife, friend. I suppose that's something. Right? I mean really, I know all this crying is a bunch of self pity and I shouldn't be doing it ... but I just can't stop. I don't want to be bipolar anymore. I don't want to get depressed when life is going well. I want to be able to stop this. I mean I'm frocking doing everything right. I'm exercising ... not sleeping too much ... not sleeping too little ... taking all my meds PLUS vitamin D ... I sit in the sun or under my lights. I'm doing everything so damn right that this is absurd. How can I possibly fall like this when there was nothing to trip over? What more can I do. Why can't I stop it. And why does the fact that although I KNOW what's going on and I KNOW there is nothing to be upset about and I KNOW this is just a part of the illness and I KNOW it will pass make thinks ten times worse and me ten times more disappointed in myself?

Was that more than five minutes? I suppose it's possible.

My husband told me last night that I need to learn to accept that I will always experience a reasonable amount of down time over the course of the year. Number one, what exactly is reasonable? Number two, how the hell am I supposed to accept that?

Do you know what that means?

It means that there is ALWAYS going to be moments/days throughout the year where I am 100% incapable of functioning regardless of how hard I try to avoid it. It also means that there is no way I will ever have a career because no one in their right mind is going to want to employ someone who can't function 1/4 of the year. To me it means I might as well give up now. I am handicapped. I'm sick. I'm emotionally unable to handle the day to day tasks that most people take on. It means I'm hopeless, helpless and lacking the abilities to control my own thoughts and emotions.

I need control.

Right now, I have no control.

I want my control back.

I don't want to feel like this.

Cognitively, I understand that it is what it is. My brain does not function with the best of them. I take meds not to cure my illness, but to keep my illness from rendering me unable to function 3/4 of the year. I'll never make it through an entire year without falling. And cognitively I know that's not my fault. Cognitively I know my thoughts are self defeating and can and need to be altered. Cognitively I am completely and utterly aware that I have no control right now.

I'd just like to say ... screw cognitive thinking.

However, cognitively I know that I am being absurd and should probably just go take an Ativan and calm the frock down.

Studying psychology while suffering from a mental illness is quite interesting. To know how my mind is working and what is going on, yet still not be able to prevent these thoughts and feelings ... it's downright frustrating.

I shall now commence crying over nothing while not caring about anything and refusing to do anything. It shall be a great time!

Lonely in a Crowded Room

It happens ...

You're surrounded by family and friends and happiness, yet you still feel alone and isolated.

It's not their faults. They didn't let you down. The didn't leave you behind.

No, you're just hyper focused on all the things you've lost over the years and how little you have left from it. You're engrossed in the mistakes of the past to the point where you feel like you'll never change. You're finding yourself alone because you don't feel like you're good enough to be a friend, a sister, a mother, a wife, et al.

It happens ...

It's happening ...

And the whole time ... you're fully aware of it's absolute ridiculousness ... yet you ignore it.

You want to be loved, but you push loved ones away.

You want to be liked, but you make yourself unlikeable.

You want to be noticed, but you hide under the radar.

You want to be somebody, anybody ... but you're too busy focusing on how nobodyesque you are. (Even if you're not.)

It happens ...

Keeps happening ...

But you put on a smile. You wear it like a mask. You keep your thoughts to yourself and your emotions hidden.

You've got the look of someone who's got it together. The smile of someone who's truly happy. The artificial confidence everyone wishes they had.

You fake it to make it.

You appear to thrive only to survive.

You hold yourself together as you soul falls apart.

You act strong when you've never been so weak.

And you fool the world.

Or do you?

Do they see right through you?

Do they hear your thoughts?

Do they know your secrets?

It's possible ...

It happens ...

Might be happening right now.