A Kit Kat bar will not suffice!

I think what I REALLY need is a break from it all. A break from my husband, a break from my kids, and a break from my blogs and a break from my book. Well, I could start with just a break from being so emotional.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to put on a pair of headphones, turn them up loud and ignore EVERYONE!?!? That's me today. I am a bad mom today. I will rightfully admit it because it is rightfully so. Every thought in my head, every action I have made is probably insanely controversial.

They were so horrible yesterday. They wouldn't listen, they whined, they cried, they fought. An entire day was spend dealing with their shit! And not just a tiny bit of shit...nope, never ending LOADS of shit. And today....it just keeps piling up.

"He touched me!"

"I don't want to watch that movie!"

"I had that green Lego square first!"

"She won't help me clean my room!"

"I'm hungry!"

"I'm thirsty!"

"The moon is not aligned correctly and Mars is not nearly close enough to Jupiter!"

SERIOUSLY!!!!

Whining, crying, fighting!!!! Where is my closet and where is my pillow? I need to lock myself away and just scream till I lose my voice.

I want to work on my book, but the noise won't stop. I want to take a shower, but I'm afraid they'll destroy my each other, or worse, my house! (Destroying one another would, in the end, provide silence would it not? In this case I fear for my house more!) I want to be a good mom, but they are making it impossible this week.

So I scream, I yell, I spank, I cry. All the proper ingredients for one of those "Bad Mommy's"!!! By blogging definition, I am one of the worst. Except sadly I am on a diet and can't even drink it all away! (But I WANT to!)

So I want a break. A day without family. Because I am sorry, I can not be one of those perfect moms who loves her kids 24/7 and can't go more than a few hours away from them. I envy those mothers, really I do. But I am just not one of them. I like week long vacations that don't involve my kids. And I LOVE weekends away from them AND my husband (not that's I've ever had one, I've only fantasized about it) I want me time. Not them time.

So screw the Kt Kat...break me off a piece of SILENCE!!!!

**I apologize for any rude or offensive material in this post, BUT I did try to hold back and this IS my blog for venting. One can not be all proper and practically perfect ALL the time.**

As expected....

I am a bit on the wobbly end today. Well it started yesterday evening. The day had went nicely. I had made some amazing changes to my novel, finally congratulated my old friend on her baby and enjoyed a nice quiet day with the children mostly getting along and watching movies since it was raining out.

Then the evening hit...

I started to get feedback on the book. The kind of feedback I had been waiting for. The kind of feedback I wanted! People were finally pointing out what was wrong. Just as I had feared/predicted, the book has a slow start. Not too big of a deal seeing as I had spent all day HOPEFULLY correcting the problem, but still...it wasn't positive and I could not help but be disappointed.

The kids started to become unruly. Staying inside had become boring and they were becoming hyper. Hunger was consuming them a bit early and dinner was being demanded. All the while mommy was slowly unraveling. Didn't these kids know I was busy!?! Didn't they know I had just been disappointed!?! How inconsiderate of them.

And the mood stuck...

We ate, we went to the gym, I exercised and felt wonderful, but the mood stuck...

I woke up feeling anything but refreshed as I had been woken at least 5 times since 4am. Don't these people know I just ran a mile, played a 1/2 hour of tennis, biked for 8 minutes then spent an hour in the pool? Can't they see I'm tired!!! The mood still lingered...

And NOW...now my children are arguing, my new changes to the first chapter are still lacking. I'm tired and the mood is intensifying!!!

Can somebody please just like my book, take my kids away and take me out to Olive Garden for some Soup, Salad and Bread Sticks please????

Identity Crisis Continues

This one is slightly different though. It's my identity as a writer that I am confused about. (Yay! No bitchy content alerts needed!!!)

Most of the writers that I follow through blogs/twitter/facebook are from the Christian Romance variety. I follow them because I hold firm to many of their beliefs and envy their strong faith and outstanding moral principals. I myself pray devoutly EVERY night that my career as a writer works out and my book gets published and becomes popular. (Granted I pray about MANY other things as well....but that would be off topic.) I go to Church almost every Sunday. I beleive in God and that he has an ultimate plan for me, whether I like it or not. But do I REALLY fit in with this group of writers?

Although my novel does center around the aspects of Heaven and Hell and all that is in between (ok well mostly what is in between) I would not necessarily call it Christian Fiction. And there is a large Romantic tone to the book, BUT that is not really what the book is about. If we are being honest here (Which we are ALWAYS being honest here, that's why I started this blog to begin with.) my book is more Fantasy than anything else.

BLECK!!! Fantasy!!! I hate that word. Not only does it sound corny and silly, but it also sounds dirty and naughty. Four things that I HOPE my novel is NOT! Where does that leave me?

I am a Christian, but I do my best to leave all religous aspects out of my story. My novel is set in a Fictional world, well as far as we know...It is definately more in the rhelms of possibility than say Vampires and Wizards, so is that really Fantasy? There is a "love story" in the plot, but the plot is not meant to be a "love story". It is about a girl/woman's struggles between good and evil, but also what she is willing to risk for a man that she loves, although he may not ever love her.

UGH!!! Do you see my problem here! Is this why agents do not feel they want to pick it up? Or is it the fact that there is not enough conflict in the first 3 chapters?

Is being a Christian and having romantic elements in my novel enough to consider me an American Christian Fiction Writer? If not, what groups should I become affiliated with? Is it time to just put up the white flag and surrender to the fantasy world?

Who here can bring me out of this identity crisis that I am struggling with? (Or at least this small portion of my identity crisis to say the least. If you need a better understanding of the remainder of the identy crisis feel free to visit this post)

Just because I chose it doesn't mean I like it!

We make many choices in life. Some are good some are bad. Nearing my thirties (more quickly than I would prefer) I do my best to make the best decisions for me and my family. Unfortunately some of those decisions don't always make me happy. Although I know they are the best for my over all health and stability, it doesn't always mean I like them.

I've made a few decisions to cut some once very close friends out of my life in the last two years. I know it was for the best, for me and some for my marriage, but I have these days, like today, where I just miss these people immeasurably. I ache just thinking about it! But I KNOW I made the best decision by ending these friendships, at least I think I did?!?!

I'd love to go into the details about why I made these decisions, well who am I fooling, actually I'd really rather not. Long drawn out stories can get really boring and I'm not one that prefers to share many of life's depressing details. (Numerous though they may be)

So how do I make the pain go away? How do I stop missing these people who in many instances had a tendency to make me equally as miserable? Especially when there were many times when they did not. How do I stop wanting to be their for my former best friend as she begins to raise her first child? How do I stop missing friends that we hung out with CONSTANTLY at this very same time last year? How do I make it go away?

Sometimes I really hate making the right choices! Although I live a life where I am STILL paying for making so many wrong choices, it's hard to forget how much I enjoyed making them.

It's kinda like, "You're damned if you do, You're damned if you don't" isn't it.

They are all about 3/4 empty!

It's just one of those days...(Ahhhh fond memories of blaring Limp Bizkit! That seems like AGES ago!) I'm being productive today, yet I feel like I'm not. And all the unproductivity from the rest of the week has caught up and bit me in the ass. No need to elaborate...it just is.

All this has left me in a mood. (What? Me...in a mood? Never!!!!) I'm incapably of focusing on the positive today. Too many tiny negatives following me. It's not a question of is the glass half empty or half full, because it's more like there are a crap load of tiny glasses with only a tiny bit of water in each! It's that kind of day.

SURE we are now in a house (Tiny bit full) But the house has a crappy yard, is in a crappy school district and in a crappy city. (See all the empty?)

SURE my book is finished (Tiny bit full) But no agents are biting on it, I feel like it's missing something, it's looking like it is not finished after all. (Oops...more empty)

SURE husband has aquired a lovely job that makes a decent wage (Tiny bit full) But its in a city we hate, we miss our friends, it still doesn't seem to pay the bills, he works tons, is always on call, isn't using all his skills, making us both cranky! (SO much empty for something that should have been half full!)

See where I am going with this? Call me a pessemist...cuz I am...but I am just not feeling it today. Today I am wishing I had sold my book, lived in a gianormous house with a big fat pool and yard in the middle of a really great school district and made so much money that my husband could just freelance and work from home! Anybody out there that can make that happen???? :D

Digging up the Past

So an old friend from High School had her first baby yesterday. Unfortunately this isn't just any old friend, she was THE old friend...my "BFF". Time and life created a somewhat messy falling out and I haven't talked to her in almost 2 years. But my mother suggested today that I wish her a "Congrats" on facebook. *Sigh*

The rough thing is, I've known she was pregnant due to facebook and other friends, and it has literally pained me to watch her go through her pregnancy without being there. I miss her something fierce, but sadly, being her friend often hurt just as much.

To congratulate her would be to be offering up the white flag of peace. It would say that, "Sure, I'd love to be friends again." Which in all retrospect, I can't say that this is true. I'm very hurt by the way our friendship ended, as I am sure she is too. And I have also changed an IMMENSE amount since we last parted. My life experiences have been very uncharacteristic of my old self and who I am now is only a glimmer of who I was then. I am positive she would not accept me.

That being said, I really do miss her and I really do wish I could offer her my congratulations. Losing a Best Friend is just like breaking up with a Boyfriend whom you felt deep emotions for. You never forget them, and you will always care about them.

So to you, former BFF, here is my silent, and slightly (ok possibly more than slightly) over dramatic Congratulations on your new baby. I am so proud of you and happy that everything went well. (Not to mention the fact that you got to name him the name you've had picked out for more than 10 years!)

One Angry Wife Later...

... and THIS is what I come home from the store with.

After which I throw a bag of ice and some pre-made Cuervo Margarita mix to the husband and say, "Make yourself useful."

The best part is....he did!!!

And THAT is better than an apology!

Afraid to Cry...

Ever felt that way? There are many things that can trigger this fear.

What if I start and I never stop?

What if it makes me look weaker than I already feel?

What if it makes things worse than they already are?

And then there is always the logic behind it. It's not going to solve anything. This situation is not going to change from a few shed tears. You are going to wake up in the morning and the problem is still going to be staring you right in the face. Decisions will still need to be made. Changes are going to have to take place. And life is not going to get better just because you cried.

So I don't. I sit...I stare at a computer screen, wanting to scream, wanting to break down. But instead I write. I try to make sense of it, where there is no sense to be made. And then I sit..and I stare...out the window, at the ceiling, then at the back of my eye lids ... until I fall asleep.

All this...because I am afraid to cry...

It's Miraculous

Nothing to bitch about today...just had to point that out.

This in itself is as impressive as turning water into wine. I'm serious!!!

So um...where's my medal?

Losing My Sight

"Losing my Sight, Losing my Mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine!"

Sorry, had to throw a song quote in there. I was inspired. *Winks eye at Inspiring Friend*

I wish I was open and honest and unafraid. I started this "Secret" (Dare I say scandalous...hahaha...ok, too many inside jokes already, I'll stop!) Blog to open up and vent and air my frustrations, but now it has followers. And all of a sudden I am thrown to a halt. Thoughts about...

"What will they think of me if I tell them it's noon and it was inevitable I would get cranky ... well ... because it's afternoon .. that's why!"

"Will they stop reading my other blog if they realize that not only am I random, but I'm possibly, no probably, more complex than most people would imagine?"

"Wow, I'm so glad I don't have to wear a bra today." (Oops...veering off track there...)

"Do my excessive ... and !!! and parenthesis bother my readers?"

I haven't quite figured out why I am so afraid to be me. I mean I am me and all, but I don't want anyone to see it.

It was funny because shortly after I started my first blog my husband said to me, "Wow, I didn't know you were that funny." Seriously?! Who am I at home?

This is the perfect example of what I am trying to get at. I feel like I am in the middle of an identity crisis lately. I've lost sight of who I am. Ok, OBVIOUSLY (Oh do my excessive use of CAPS annoy you also?) I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a (trying to be) writer, a joker, a smoker and a midnight toker...ok well night the last 2 (that's right! quit smoking!!! go me!)

But who am I REALLY? I've gotten very lost in trying to be who everyone wants me to be that I'm not quite sure who I really am. Well I do...kinda...but I'm not so sure I want everyone to know! Ever feel like that? Have you lost sight of who you are? Do you fear losing the ones you love if only they knew?

Wow it kinda makes me sound horrible!!! I'm not really, but many things can turn people away. Religion, social status, mental status, feelings about friends, feelings about family, feelings about yourself, the past, the present, hopes for the future! We all hide some of this...or is it just me?

My confidence needs a nice supportive...bra?

Well we all know that those girls aren't going to support themselves! Well after talking to someone who is not as supportive as I had thought, I am feeling like quite the boob right now. That's right, I am in need of some sturdy under-wire and possibly a "Cross your heart" strap set!

Some days I feel incredibly supported and confident. I can hold my chest out (no pun intended) and keep my head up high. Other days I sit slouched in my chair and blog about useless crap in order to make me feel even the slightest bit more self-assured.

My new book isn't going as smoothly as I'd hoped. I've got ideas, but I'm not so sure I'm as dark and twisty as these ideas are becoming. Although I can APPEAR dark and twisty like...my mind is more like a group of gnomes running around in a field with absolutely no destination in site, and if there is a destination, the map seems to have been misplaced.

Have I confused you yet? All this talk of crappy bras and aimless gnomes...I'm bound to start making people consider placing me into an institution! It's all good, imagine how much time I'd have to write in there!!! (Ok ok....poorly placed witticism...I know)

So anyone know where to get a good bra?

Talk about some Self Doubt

One of my fellow bloggers wrote about having some self doubt today. I'm rather full of that, whether it be as a mother, a wife, a friend, a writer, but most importantly relevant for this post, I have uncomfortable amounts of self doubt in regards to this blog.

I have often times changed the settings to private, only to change it back to open to the public the next day. I worry that people will stop reading my other blog after reading how incredibly bitchy I can be in this blog. My two blogs are synonymous with Dr. Jeckle and Ms. Hyde. One is happy and bubbly and the other is unhappy and pessimistic. Granted, in all reality, that is who I am. My husband often complains because he never knows "Which Mary" he's going to get every day. It's quite frustrating, because I often wonder the same.

So what do my few readers think. Should change my "Dark and Twisty" Blog settings back to private? Do you think I am bound to scare everyone away from my primary blog? Or do you enjoy my often pessimistic and irritatingly crank-pot ramblings?