They're just not Cuttin the Mustard!

Winter is so lovely. All the ugly snow... um I mean beautiful ... no I really meant to say ugly.

So I've been a wretched friend lately. I'm super confused as to what to do about. I am about just as ugly as winter right now. Life is very stressful and I am in a deep dark whole.

As Meredith and Christina would say, "I'm in my dark place right now."

As a result I have been avoiding almost everyone. I put in my happy comments here and there and have been a helpful critiquer and all that good stuff. But I've been very distant. And I know people have started to notice.

For blobs sake, I completely missed a friend's note about losing their baby (miscarriage). But I just don't know what to do.

I just don't want to bother people with my problems. I don't want to be the complaining friend. I don't want to be the friend who ALWAYS bitches about something or another. I want to be the happy friend. The positive friend. The friend who helps. Not the friend that needs help. And the only way I know how to do that right now is to just stay away.

I have nothing happy to say. Things are NOT well. I am to the point where I don't know how to help other people feel better because I just can't think straight myself.

And the weirdest part is, I don't even want to talk about it. Nobody has been through this stuff. Nobody will understand. At least not anybody that I know. So what may seem dumb to someone else is probably the most stressful and depressing thing to me.

I WANT TO TO BE POSITIVE! And usually I can be. But I'm pretty much at that breaking point. That point where it's hard to be positive because there is very little to be positive about. Yeah an try running a happy blog feeling like this every day. It's great!

So although none of this make sense, and unfortunately none of it made me feel better...if you could all say a prayer or two for me...that would be great. I have a feeling I'm on the verge of losing friends again, and that really sucks. Even though I'm trying to do the exact opposite of what I did last time. UGH...Can somebody else be me for a day?

Best Song/Prayer Ever!!

"Worlds Apart"
(Please click the link to listen as you read the lyrics!)

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart