Only the Lonely

Oh WTF ... only the lonely? Well that would involve everyone ... at least at some point in life.

This is my point in life.

2011

Three great friends lost.

 Thought some friends were gained. As usually I was probably wrong.

Thus lonely.

Sisters Rock. No doubt. But they live far away and are 5 and 10 yrs older. They love me. No doubt. But they don't get me. They can't. NO OFFENSE meant. They weren't teen moms. They weren't married at 20. They dont have bipolar. They haven't filed for divorce ... twice.

Feeling like no one gets me.

Feeling lonely.

Wish I still had that BFF ... But I'm pretty damn sure I burnt all those bridges.

That's all.

Now you see me. Now you don't!

It's a game right? Kinda like peek-a-boo ... One minute you're there, one minute your not.

Magicians call it a vanishing act. Magicians also try to cut their lusty assistants in half. Magicians are not nearly as cool as Wizards. Just saying ...

Last year ... I was here ... I was making huge decisions and feeling all powerful and She-Ra Princess of power-like.

I was proud of myself.

I was visible.

Everyone saw me roar.

And the funny part was, life sucked, BUT I had control. I controlled who saw me. I controlled who loved me. I controlled who talked to me, looked at me, deserved me .... I could see me.

Right now, I'm invisible. I'm camouflaged with by the facade of a busy girl with lots of shit going for her and a wonderful family and yada yada yada. Life it in all technicality good, right?

Wrong.

I'm invisible.

Last year I was in the midst of a divorce, I had no money, no job and no idea what my future held. Everyone was worried about me and wanted to protect me and help me. But the thing was, I was fine. I felt guilty about the help. I was grateful, but I was overwhelmed. Regardless, people saw me. My pain was visible. It was obvious.
This year I'm back together with my husband and things are going splendidly. My kids are behaving at school. This website has hit it's all time high in traffic. I freaking sold/gave away almost 50K books! I'm in college and on my way to a great future. Sure I've got a bit too much on my shoulders, so obviously I'm stressed, but that's to be expected and it's my fault anyway. Thus, I'm typical, I'm a regular bipolar chick suffering from the holiday blues and a bit of stress due to excessive responsibilities. How does that make me any different from any other Bipolar person? It doesn't. Thus, I'm invisible.

My friends have bigger problems; marital troubles, recent divorces, difficulty holding down jobs and paying bills, and some are even physically disabled and ill. My family has bigger problems; sick children, unemployment, no money, almost no home, amongst many other things. They have actual things to be upset and/or depressed about. They are visible.

Here's the scary fact, it is actually possible that I am more miserable than at least half of them.  I know that doesn't seem possible, and I know it sounds selfish, but it is what it is. I'm hurting, I'm in pain, I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm a failure, I'm a lazy ass who wants to not be lazy, I'm a mess, I'm a bored and disinterested.

All very selfish feelings. Surely not sympathy worthy. Mostly self inflicted. A self induced state of misery and annoyance and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Broad spectrum lights ... they're great. However, the minute I walk away from them the high disappears.
Vitamin D - worked at first, then life got difficult.

Exercise ... ran twice last week. 2 miles non stop once and 2.5 miles with one stop the next run. My body felt nothing. I wasn't soar. I had no runners high. I was filled with disappointment that I wasn't able to run 3 miles.

So what does that make me?

An attention whore?

Ungrateful?

Blinded to my Blessings?

Dare we say it? ... A bitch?

So it's probably a good thing I'm invisible, right? It's a good thing no one sees me. My vanishing act is actually asset to those around me.

Doesn't stop me from feeling this way though. Cognitively I KNOW things are fine. I KNOW life could be worse.

I KNOW people I love have it worse. I KNOW sympathy belongs elsewhere, to people who deserve it. I KNOW IT.

Doesn't change how I feel.

Doesn't make me any less lonely.

What is it that I really want? I want everyone else who's hurting to stop. Then I can too. Then we can all stop being lonely.

If you're not confused by all this ... you're obviously Bipolar or something of the sort. Because only someone as irrationaly ridiculous like me could understand a word of what I just said!

(I almost posted this on the AaB site, but I lost the ballz. Go figure. I'm incapable of reaveling my ridiculous bitchiness to the world. It just is what it is.)

Two down one to go ...

Day one of vanishing act a success. That's right. I kept to myself and heard not a word unless I initiated conversation. Talked with the husband about it a little. I guess he kinda feels the same. Which I don't blame him. And we aren't exactly able to hold each other up when we are both so down?.

If something good could happen. I'd be much abliged.

That's all

Vanishing Act

Ever feel like you could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. Kinda feeling like that lately. Sure my husband would notice for obvious reasons ...

But I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth emotional and mentally and be left with a walking zombie me and no one would see it.

Oh let's cut the crap ... I WISH I could disappear and no one would see it.

I'm tired. My moods this year have been all over the place. I'm lonely. I've lost many friends this year due to many reasons, one of which was my all over the place moods as well as my poorly executed Vanishing Acts. And I'm over loaded with everyone elses' unhappiness.

I love my husband, I love my friends, and I love my family ... but I feel like I'm being sucked into all their sadness/anger/depression. which leaves me feeling frustrated, inadequate and unimportant.

I can't help any of them. And believe me, I'VE TRIED. I mean I've seriously clothed, sheltered, fed and been an emotional crutch on more than one occasion. And I am MORE than happy to have done so. The problem is, none of it made a difference. None of it made anyone's lives' better. None of it mattered.

In short, I kinda feel like I don't matter. I know that's not true ... obviously people care about me ... but their lives would go on without me.

NONE of this is to be mistaken with bitterness toward anyone at all. I love to do good things. I love to help people. I love making people smile. Problem is, I just don't seem to be able to do any of those things no matter how hard I try.

I can lead a fish to water, but can't teach it to swim.
I can show a person how to smile, but not how to be happy.
I can offer great advice, but that doesn't mean anyone takes it.

I'm pretty religious. I think those who know me well know that. And I try to act accordingly to what I believe in. But no matter how good of a person I try to be, I still continue to feel like I'm being punished for past mistakes. And unfortunately I've made gobs of unspeakable mistakes. And if that's not the case, then why am I so useless to my friends and family?

Sure, I can cheer up people I don't even know on the internet. I can make strangers smile. Sometimes I even matter to people I don't even know. But I want to matter to those that I care about. I want to help. I want to make a difference. I want everyone to stop forgetting about me.

Ever feel like you could save the world and no one would notice? Yeah, I may not save the world every day, but I save my husband time when he gets in the car by moving his seat back to it's original position. I don't save lives, but I save money when I go grocery shopping. I may not move mountains, but I do try to push people into the right direction.

But I'm invisible to it all.

I'm a Vanishing Act.

I'm the Invisible Chick

I'm the stinking Guardian Angel that never gets credit!

SO for anyone who ever tried to say I only do good things so people will do good things for me, yeah, they can suck my big fat knee cap. Because I can guarantee everyone right now that I'll still keep trying to make others feel better, and I'll still keep pointing family and friends in the right direction. And I'll still keep on doing those little things that no one notices.

Why?

I've got no freaking clue. But it's obviously not because I like the praise I get ...

**POOF** (That's me disappearing ... duh!)

Happy and the Monster that at it!

Happy is a funny little thing. It usually only shows up when good things happen. Why is that? Why can't we be happy when life is falling apart too?

"What? You just totaled your car and your dog died after you spent $3000 on getting rid of his worms?"

"Yeah, isn't that awesome! I'm so happy!!!"

See, now wouldn't that be easier?

But no ... crappy things happen and we fall apart. We drown in sorrow and wallow in it for weeks on end. I'm pretty sure the happy get's eaten by a big ugly monster with four eyes and only three teeth.

It's true, I'm pretty sure I spotted him yesterday. He's blue. With purple spots. And green fingernails.

I swear ... I really saw him.

Well regardless, he ate my happy. Here I was on my "I hugged Patty Duke" high and he started munching away on my euphoria. That dick!

I refuse to let him win. I'm going to go ahead and start up a hunting team. Wanna join?

DeMotivational Speaker

Yeah, I'm pretty aware those don't exist, however, if I was to make a speech right now, that's what you'd hear! I'm all out of motivation. All out of advice. All out of answers. All out of umph.

I've been pissing an moaning for months about the website and the book and school and family and my inability to keep up with it all. It's finally pushed me over the edge. But not over the edge to the point of me being depressed or anxious or stressed or anything. Instead I've entered this state of blah. I'd like to call it the "Nothing Matters" state of being. I mean things matter, but I can't stop from feeling all "meh" about them.

Pretty much I need to find a way to get myself pumped up about life again. I need motivation. I need interest. I need a swift kick to my ass to get it in gear. I don't have time to be "meh" about stuff. I keep telling everyone, "Oh, I'll get back on top of things soon ... I just need a small break." Yeah, my small break kinda turned into an extensive sabbatical and I'm not sure when my mind has decided to return.

So how does one go about finding their missing motivation? How does one get things back to the way they were? How does one fish themselves out of a funk that seems to be lingering like a pea soup fog?

Don't get me wrong ... I love the color green and all ... just not when it tends to remind me of vomit.

The weirdest part of all this is, I don't feel so alone in these feelings. Some of my really good friends seem to be going through the same thing. How can I be a good friend and help motivate them and make them feel better when I can't even convince myself that there are better things out there than watching concurrent episodes of GREEK?

How can I be a good website owner if I can't even pluck up the energy to post posts?

How can I be a good mother when EVERYTHING my children do irritates the gas out of me?

And how can I be a good wife when I just don't feel like listening or cuddling or spending time with anyone but myself.

I'm headed down a very lonely road if I don't find a way out of this. I know I have things pretty good, and I'm seriously not an ungrateful person (though I DO hate sending out thank you cards) but everything just looks dull and gray and lifeless as of late. I needs some friking color! (And not in the shade of pea soup green.)

Have I mentioned I can't write?

Seriously, it's the worst feeling in the world.

I have an entire story planned in my head ... and I'm just, "meh" about it.

Where's the freaking excitement in life? Why can't I get worked up about anything. Why must I always find myself in a demotivated state?

Meh ...

The Magic of Meds

I forgot my meds yesterday. Can't even remember the last time I did that.

Needless to say, the last two days have SUCKED.

I can't come up with a single positive thing to say about myself or my life ... which is indeed ridiculous considering all that is going on. But when I start to think about any success I am bombarded with a big fat stampede of negative thoughts to back it up.

This is dumb.

No more missing meds.

I'm gonna go sit in the garden and eat worms now.

In need of a better hiding place ...

So I'm in this weird place. A place where I WANT to be a better person. I WANT to be happy and cheerful and reliable. And so when I'm not, I feel awful.

And who wants to feel awful!?

Yeah, me neither.

But the past few days ... I've been anything but a better, happy, cheerful, reliable person. And to me, that is unacceptable. I have things to do. People counting on me. A pile of tasks piling up with each day I avoid them. So today, I vowed to be better, happier, more reliable. And so far ... so good.

So what's the problem?

It's all just a lie.

A lie to me.

A lie to everyone else.

Sometimes I prefer the lie to the real me though.

Because this is where I'm at today.

Sad, rejected, lonely, afraid ... and I know in the last few days I have more than outworn my welcome in unhappy land. I've been a disappointment, annoying, cheerless, anxiety ridden, full of complaints and down right impersonal.

So now, I must act like I am past all that. And yes ... I say MUST. To disappoint people and annoy people and bring people down, that's only going to make things worse. I lose friends when I do those things. I've lost more than enough friends this year.

It just feels like it's getting harder and harder to act. Like I REALLY need an outlet. Somewhere to vent. Somewhere to scream. Something to punch. Someplace to run. I don' t smoke, drinking makes things worse, I can't run because it's to effing hot out, I'm too busy to take a break. And so the unhappy lingers. And the longer it lingers the more it scares me. The more I'm CONVINCED everyone despises me for being pessimistic. The more I'm CONVINCED no one wants me around. It doesn't have to be true for my mind to CONVINCE ME that it is.

I'm ridiculous. And what's worse is that I'm fully aware of my ridiculousness.

I'm writing a sequel ... and I don't even know if I want to publish it.

I hate reading people's reviews.

I hate being judged.

I hate dropping down the list every day.

I hate that what I HAVE done already really means nothing in the great scheme of things.

And I hate that I KNOW that if I ever do want to be something or somebody, I'm going to have to take down this blog. Because it's not okay to share feelings in the business like world. It's not okay to have bad days/months/years. It's not okay to say negative things.

And that just makes everyone's judgement ten times worse. I hate reviews. Did I mention that?

And I hate cleaning.

And I hate cooking.

And I hate eating.

And I hate being tired.

And I hate I hate I hate.

One good piece of optimism to throw at ALL of this hate ... it's getting some damn good writing to spew from my brain. (Sorry to the characters whose lives I'm ruining left and right! BWAHAHAHA ....what?)

An AaB Post -Getting Someone to Realize ...

I've actually NEVER (at least that I can remember) reposted an AaB post here before. But this one really got to me and there was so much emotion that came out of it. I could only wish that everyone out there trying to help someone come to terms with mental illness could read this. And it's not to toot my own horn, it's just to explain how I would want someone to approach this situation.

Without a formal diagnosis, I believe my sister, age 39, is bipolar.  For years I have tried to get her to acknowledge she has a problem.  I have talked to friends who are psychologists and thus believe my sister is bipolar.
Of recent concern is the fact she lost a job, and then just had to drop out of school because she supposedly missed a grant deadline.  As a result, she has no money, cannot pay rent and bills and just announced to my parents she is going to a shelter in a few days.  My concerns are:
1 - she has a 13 year old son; my nephew is the greatest and an amazing young man.  I fear for his emotional and physical well-being; she has a history of yelling at him (and others) for no reason, hitting for no reason, leaving medication about the house at his reach when he was a child; she uses him to get at other family members, threatening family can't see him and the like.
2 - I fear for her; she cannot seem to develop independent survival skills, although she has lived on her own for several years; when her son was a toddler, she would stay in her room, in the dark, not socialize with family or anyone (she lived with my parents then); it was a depression.  She cannot seem to recognize she needs help with anything; she is the "life of the party" with friends and strangers but mean and angry with family; she blames everyone else for her shortcomings, despite the fact her 4 siblings have made successful lives for themselves (in other words we had the same parents and all turned out "fine"); she blames my parents, particularly my mother for anything; she is very opinionated about and critical of others but unable to be critical of herself.
I live in NJ; she and rest of my family lives in MA.  Of all of us, I would say she is closest to me as she has "talked" to me about other things.  For this reason I feel I am the one who can most help her but I don't know how to do this.
Anything you can offer is greatly appreciated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love sisters. And without knowing you, I already know you are amongst the best of them. The fact that, despite all these faults of hers and all that she has done wrong in the past, you STILL want to help her and you still love her ... it let's me know that you are amazing. Sisters ROCK!
Moving along ... Unfortunately, I am not a clinician nor a diagnostician (Yet!!! 3 Cheers for College!), so I do not feel comfortable saying whether or not I believe your sister does or does not have bipolar. With that said, I do believe it is obvious she is suffering from some sort of mood difficulties ... whether or not it is bipolar, I am unsure, but for the sake of this post, let's pretend it is. :)
When a person suffers from depression, mood disorders, personality disorders, etc. it is hard for them to come to terms with the fact that something might be WRONG with them. I mean, why would there be something wrong? She probably believes she's normal and all of you are crazy! (not that she's crazy ... but I think you understand where I am coming from) Well, maybe believe isn't the right word ... more like she's convinced herself that she is the sane one.
It's easy to shift the blame elsewhere when you are too scared or embarrassed to admit you have problems. You don't have to have bipolar or a mental illness to do this. Heavens, alcoholics do this, drug addicts, sometimes I even do it when I have a cold!

I'll be all like, "What? I don't have a cold. That's just allergies. I don't have time to REALLY  be sick."

Many times alcoholics and drug addicts will blame their addictions on anything/anyone other than themselves. I'm pretty sure we've all heard someone or seen someone on TV say these things ...

"I don't have a problem. You're over reacting."

"I'm not the one with the problem, you are."

"You're the reason I do this stuff!"

"I drink because I'm bored."

"I smoke pot to calm down."

"I snort coke because I like the smell."

No one WANTS to admit there is anything wrong with them. No one WANTS to be a drug or alcohol abuser. No one WANTS to be sick. No one WANTS to have a mood disorder. No one WANTS to be depressed.
Just the same ...

I don't WANT to be short, I just am.

I don't WANT to be thirty, but my birth year insists its true.

I don't WANT to be broke, but I'm going to school and a stay at home mom ... nuff said!

I don't WANT to have trust issues with dairy, but I do.

and

I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT to have bipolar, but unfortunately my little brain and all it's chemistry says otherwise.

I think it is important to help her realize that staying in denial and placing the blame on everyone else is only hurting her more. Heck, maybe she doesn't WANT to be a mom (or at least I know there are moms out their who'd rather not be), but I'm pretty sure she birthed that amazing little boy, so not wanting the parental responsibilities doesn't negate her from actually having them. Same goes for her moods and her actions.
Denial is a fickle little devil. It can hang on the coattails of some people throughout their entire lives. The sad part is, denial destroys us. Fear of accepting the truth destroys us. The inability to see that admitting to having problems, illnesses, addictions, etc. is OKAY, that's what destroys us.

It's OKAY to admit we are sick.

It's OKAY to admit we have problems.

It's OKAY to admit we have addictions.

It's how we respond to these obstetrical that really define who we are, not having the issues themselves.
So I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it ... your sister ... who is probably a beautiful and amazing woman beneath all her flaws ... is in denial. She is afraid of what happens once she admits SHE is the one with a problem. She is afraid of what happens when everyone knows that she knows it's true. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you ... she's terrified. Whether or not she is even aware of it, subconsciously she KNOWS that her entire world will change just by saying those 4 little words,

"I have a problem."

Getting help for having bipolar may seem easy. You might believe it's ridiculous not to try. I mean it makes your life better ... right?
But to someone who has never admitted to their issues, to someone who has never sought out treatment, to someone who has spent their whole life in denial and blaming everyone for every little thing they do wrong ... getting help might actually seem like the enemy.
However, it's actually the What If's that are the enemy.

What if I get help and I get better, but then I fall again? I'll disappoint everyone!

What if I start to hold down a job? Suddenly there will be all these expectations and pressures. What if I just can't keep up with that!?

What if getting treatment doesn't help?

What if there really isn't anything wrong with me?

What if people look at me differently once they know I have a mental illness?

What if I look at me differently?

What if no one wants to love me anymore because I'm not "normal"?

What if it is my fault and not all the peoples' who I've been blaming?

What if those people hate me because they were right and I was wrong?

What if I lose who I am?

What if I stop being so fun to my friends?

What if I end up in the hospital?

I don't know about you, but I'm overwhelmed just thinking about all those What If's!
The only thing you can do is be ready for them. You need a What If to argue each one of hers. The conversation should go more like this ... or at least this is how I would respond :)

HER: "What if I get help and I get better, but then I fall again? I'll disappoint everyone!"

YOU: "What if you don't? And even if you do, I disappoint people all the time. They get over it! Because you'll get right back up and start again. And I'll be there to catch you each and every time you do fall!"

HER: "What if I start to hold down a job? Suddenly there will be all these expectations and pressures. What if I just can't keep up with that!?"

YOU: "What if you meet all those expectations? How will you feel? Won't you be so proud of yourself? But if you can't keep up, that's not necessarily because you are mentally ill. People fall short all the time. Sane people get fired every day. What you will do is, you'll move forward. You'll find a job that is better suited for you. And if you aren't proud of you, I will be!"

HER: "What if getting treatment doesn't help?"

YOU: "Then we'll try something new. Maybe it's just the wrong treatment for you. We'll find a treatment that DOES help, and I'll be there with you until you do!"

HER: "What if there really isn't anything wrong with me?"

YOU: "Then at least you'll know. At least you can stand up straight and tell the world, 'Bite Me! There's nothing wrong with me!' And you can be sure of it and not have doubts. You'll actually have the proof to back it up. And besides, even if you do have bipolar or something similar, that does NOT mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means your brain chemistry is different than other peoples'. Not everyone has the same color hair or skin, why should their brains all work the same. That'd be BORING!"

HER: "What if people look at me differently once they know I have a mental illness?"

YOU: "What if people look at you differently because you are beautiful? What if people look at you differently because you are smarter than them? Do you really think that makes you the one with the problem? There is nothing wrong with being beautiful and smart, and there is nothing wrong with having a mental illness!"

HER: "What if I look at me differently?"

YOU: "The only way you should look at yourself differently is with pride. You should be proud that you overcame your fears and did something about it."

HER: "What if no one wants to love me anymore because I'm not "normal"?"

YOU: "I will love you, because there is no such thing as normal. And our family will love you. And your son will love you. And everyone who is truly worth your time and effort will STILL love you. Normal makes you boring. Normal makes you just like everyone else. Normal makes you blend in with the crowd. I hope no one thinks I'M normal!"

HER: "What if it is my fault and not all the peoples' who I've been blaming?"

YOU: "Then you can apologize. You can gain forgiveness. You can show everyone that you are capable of taking responsibility for your own actions. Who wouldn't be in awe of that!"

HER: "What if those people hate me because they were right and I was wrong?"

YOU: "Number one, people love being right. You'll actually have gained their favor. Now as wrong as that is, it means it will blow over. And what if they respect you more for having admitted you were wrong? What if they are proud of you? What if they are just happy to not be blamed for everything anymore? What if that makes you the better person for admitting your faults when they most likely can't admit their own!"

HER: "What if I lose who I am?"

YOU: "You'll never lose who you TRULY are. Your soul will always be the same. You'll actually gain recognition of the person you can be. And what if you like that person more? And seriously, I lose who I am every other year. An illness doesn't do that to you, life does. What is important is how you go about finding yourself again!"

HER: "What if I stop being so fun to my friends?"

YOU: "What if your friends only like you because they think your fun? Does that make them real friends? And what if they don't stop believing you are the life of the party? What if, because you are finally getting treatment, you come out of your dark holes and become even MORE fun?"

HER: "What if I end up in the hospital?"

YOU: "What if I end up in the hospital for breaking my leg or getting in a car crash? Everyone ends up in the hospital from time to time. You went to the hospital to give birth to your son. I don't see where that is a problem. Hospitals are there for a reason. They help you get better. No matter what hospital you go to, I can guarantee you it will be flooded with people. And what if you go to the hospital and see that for the very first time, you don't feel so alone? Now that I'd be envious of!"

The point I'm trying to make is, it's all in how you approach the situation. You need to be prepared for her to be angry, to have doubts, to be scared. You need to be prepared to calm her anger, ease her doubts and let her know it's okay to be scared. And the best thing you can do is find a way to relate to her! Give her examples of times you were angry, self doubting or scared. Because everyone goes through those feelings, just over different things.
And another key element ...

VALIDATION

NEVER ... under ANY circumstances ... INVALIDATE your sisters feelings. We can't control our feelings, they just happen. Feelings are NEVER wrong, they just are what they are. There is nothing in the world worse than being told "your feelings don't matter", or "you don't really feel that", or "I know you can change how you feel", or the absolute worst "my feelings are more important than yours". Nothing invalidates a person's feelings like telling them yours are more important. NOBODY'S feelings are more important than another person's. They are all equal. And unless you make it clear to her that you understand that, she will continue to push you and everyone else trying to "help her" away.

One last thing.

Share this post with your family and her friends. Be all on the same page. Make sure everyone has a sense of what she is going through and how she is not trying to be difficult, she is just scared. Try to convince them to be supportive. Make sure they know that she will succeed AND she will fail, time and time again, it's just part of the mental illness package. And the more support she has, the easier it will be on everyone.

If it helps, try picturing someone in detox ... cuz believe me, admitting and accepting a mental illness is just as agonizing. It may not be physical like trying to quit a substance, but the mental anguish is almost one in the same.

I hope this helped, and if you have ANY further questions, please do NOT hesitate to ask.

OH  ONE MORE THING ... A BIG thank you from all of us with sisters for being an Awesomesawce sister yourself! You too are amazing!

Dreams and Realities

I had a dream last night that I was walking back to my car after watching Harry Potter at the theater and walked up behind someone who was reading my book. I was so excited and had to tell her I wrote it. Then I posted on y Facebook page about how exciting that was.

One of the best dreams ever! (Minus my cousin's dream about having and playing with a pet penguin! *jealous*)

I'm not sure if this will ever actually happen, but I'm beginning to think the possibility is closer. I've become more realistic about my situation, and with that realism I have come to accept the circumstances for what I believe they really are.

New set of facts ...

1. I am not famous
2. I do not have an agent
3. I self published my book

These facts provide new facts ...

1. I have a long way to go
2. I am closer than I was before
3. Big things COULD happen

But I shall keep these few other facts in mind ...

1. Regardless of how many "sales" I've made, they were all Free books. Thus to the writing world, I have only sold 5 copies.
2. Despite the fact that I haven't made more than $50 on this book, I have gained almost 25,000 readers of my book. 
3. Half of those who left reviews requested a sequel

All of these things work together and put me in a very content state of mind.

I am NOT a big deal, but I could be one day. Why can't I be proud of that?

However, as I am still concerned with my friends misfortunes, I am going to keep any and all success announcements to a very distinct minimum. I'll be happy for me, I don't need anyone else to be :)

Running away from Reality

Feeling peculiar. Hard to explain ...

BUT, since it appears no one is visiting here these days, I'm going to try ... cuz I have nowhere else to get it out.

I am ...


Sad for my friends going through rough times (heart literally aching for them).

Overwhelmed with this weeks events.

In disbelief over something I was told today, especially because I've been told it probably wasn't true.

Embarrassed about the glaring mistake that went out to over 12,000 people and frustrated by the reviews they are leaving because of it.

Frustrated that people can be so judgmental and rude.

Afraid things out of my control are my fault.

Disgusted that I'm even posting something about me when there are others who are more important and going through much worse things, but I just needed to get it out.

And I must be weird because I'd rather all my accomplishments be theirs so they can be happy and their pains be mine so they didn't have to hurt. I hate not being able to make things better!

And somehow, although my life clearly points to the fact that I'm not, I can still manage to feel like a failure.

I feel like taking down the entire AaB site and unpublishing the book just so I don't have to hear people talk about how good I'm NOT.

I should be happy. I should be excited. I should be proud. I am none of those things.

I'm too full of fear, regret, angst and denial to be any of those things.

20,000 people are reading my book and being critical of every tiny aspect of it. They are picking it apart and it feels like they are picking me apart. As much as I may have wanted it at one point, even craved it, I don't know if I'm made for this. Every bad thing written about it I feel the need to change or be explained. But how do you explain to 20,000 that you are bipolar, and far from perfect, and that this book is so much more than just a story. And that yes, it may seem like it has a lot of cussing, but I did my research ... that IS how most teens talk. I just didn't want to sugar coat anything.

I'm pretty sure I'm falling out of my mania. I hate when that happens. And then I'm haunted by the fact that maybe that person was right, maybe I really am a selfishly horrible person and she was the only one who could actually see it.

And I'm already upset with anyone who is reading this and feels compelled to tell me otherwise.

How I really feel ... I wish people would just stop saying good things about me. (I know ... sounds super conceited) The more people tell me what they like about me or what I did, the more I feel like they are all just trying to be nice and/or they aren't seeing me for who I am. And I feel like if they really do mean it and it is true that I probably don't deserve it But then anytime someone says something negative I get all upset and defensive.

I just want to be in between.

Fact:

In high school I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be well liked. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be wanted.

Another Fact:

This year I was informed that people (as in the kind you want to hear it from) thought I was pretty. I heard it so much I started hating it. They didn't even notice my personality ... just the face. (And it's really not that pretty ... i just happen to take good photos sometimes.)

Now ... I no longer want to be thought of as pretty ... but I do

Another Fact:

People like me. People I don't even know. People who rarely see the real me. People who, if they probably knew who the real me is, would probably not like me.

I'm too scared to be liked ... it's just a matter of time before you're not liked anymore.

And another Fact:

Apparently I'm smart. Like REALLY smart. I found this out today after having taken an IQ test for some diagnostic testing. So smart in fact, although my husband would not believe it, I'm embarrassed to even say what that score was. So smart that I feel guilty because I think now he feels ... IDK ... but it's not a good feeling whatever it is ... and now he refuses to take an IQ test because he can't stand the thought of having a lower score. (We're competitive like that.) The score was so high that I myself don't believe it's true and feel like demanding I take another so they can get it right.

I graduated high school with a 3.125. People with high IQ's don't graduate with 3.125's!

One more Fact:

I've spent the last three years wanting to be a successful author. I've ate it, breathed it, slept it. And now ... when the possibility of authoric (my new word) success seems tangible, I'm absolutely terrified and refuse to believe that what has happened is actually a big deal. I mean they're just free books! Right?

So all I can do today is wish my so-called-pretty on someone who feels anything but.

I wish my intelligence on my husband because I know he'd rather have it.

I wish my popularity (or whatever it might be) on someone who really deserves it.

And I wish my possible success on someone who feels like they will never be successful.

I'd rather just go back to being plain old me. It was easier. I didn't have to be afraid of becoming egotistical. I didn't have to worry about people criticizing my work. I didn't have to stress about who my real friends were, because I was already convinced I knew, and I didn't have to believe that people liked me more for my looks than for who I was.

AND to top it off, I feel like a whiny, pathetic beeeoch for even feeling any of these things. I mean really, who complains about this stuff?

So tonight, to sum up what this peculiar feeling is ... the best word I can come up with is ... disgust.

I can't see through this fog of denial ...

Or maybe it isn't denial. I don't know. Maybe it's just a realistic point of view on the subject.

I started writing in September 2008. It was a scarey journey, a fun journey, an educational journey. By September of 2009 I was living the blogger's life (at least in a small way.) I was querying a book, blogging everyday, tweeting with agents and authors alike. People knew who I was. Agents knew who I was.

Yet, I couldn't get a bite on my books if my life depended on it. And I'm serious, my books were that bad!

Here I am, almost two years later and I'm not #3 on the Kindle's Free Children's eBook Best Seller List. I've sold (given away?) over 17,000 books in the past five days. I should be happy about this. I mean it's a good thing ... right?

Why don't I feel like it's that big of a deal?

All the people who were my friends on and off line, the people who helped me get to where I am at today, the people who encouraged me to keep going (sans my sisters and couple awesome crit partners), none of them are celebrating with me. I've tweeted it, facebooked it, blogged about it, SUPER over announced it (I was slightly excited about it yesterday) and maybe one or two of the writers/agents/other people I associated with in the beginning said a word something about it.

Somehow, I've interpreted this (as ridiculous as it may sound) to mean that this accomplishment is not indeed a big deal. If it was, wouldn't I be congratulated by people other than my family and super close friends? (I love you family and close friends!!! These thoughts are not by any means directed toward you.)

But then I think, WOW, maybe those relationships I formed with other writers/agents/etc. were really just superficial. That they did not indeed care about me or my career, while on on the other hand still regularly check to see the progress they've made. And really, this is not about any one individual. It is actually about the internet/blogging world in general. Granted I wouldn't even know two of the most awesome people I know had the internet/blogging world not existed, I still feel like 2 years of my life was wasted trying to become something I could have without all that effort.

(Good thing the husband doesn't read this ... so not in the mood for an, "I told you so!")

Anyways. I know I should be happy, but for some reason I have a feeling that making a big deal of this is really making a big deal of nothing at all. It's not like I've made any money. Every one of those books was Free. It hasn't driven anyone to by the paper copies. Hasn't resulted in tons of reviews and the reviews I have gotten weren't all that wonderful. They weren't horrible, but they were embarrassing.

I rushed so much to just "get the book out there" that I didn't think it would be a problem to wait and update the one version. It wasn't the one I was concerned about anyway. 12,000 copies later and some really nasty reviews. yeah, i was a big deal.

I'm just so negative today ....

The problem with Gravity

Its inevitable. What goes up, must come down. I really kinda think it's dumb, but I may be a bit biased.

So many things to be excited for right now, yet I'm still stuck in a state of blah. There's nothing I'm upset about. Things are going really well. So where is this blah coming from?

Well I shall spend my time focusing on the positive. Or try at least.

Can I wear those shoes?

I'm a heavy advocate of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes." I make a point to do it before determining how I feel about a situation. I kinda think I'm the only one who does that these days.

Fact: In a relationship ... be it friendship, family, marriage, etc ... it IS in fact possible for more than one person to be wrong. More than one person to be hurt. And more than one person to be right.

Another Fact: You can't always be the victim, sometimes it just so happens you are going to be the Villain.

I was the villain today. I'm tired of being a victim anyways.

Have you ever had one of those moments where your heart just hurt. Where your chest closed up and your eyes want to melt? I'm having one of those.

One more Fact: I can be passive aggressive. I write on this blog knowing full well people can see it *waves*, but wow, there are just somethings I would never say. Things that I never even think.

When someone is upset with me, I look at it from all perspectives.

Do the have a valid reason to be pissed?

Usually ...

Did I do it on purpose?

Rarely ...

Can I make this better if I speak my mind?

Sometimes.

Do I feel the need to hurt them further when it is crystal clear that I have already caused pain?

NEVER!

I can't even stomach the passive aggressive hatred that has been thrown my way. I don't understand it. (Yep, I'm admitting to not understanding people ... it happens ... just like many people do not understand me!) I know it sounds downright unbelievable ... but I cannot for the life of me understand hatred, cruelty, lack of forgiveness, or the inability to understand that people make mistakes.

I know I joke a lot that I'm always right, but for heaven sakes, it's only joking! I'm actually wrong a LOT. I'm really good at it. I'm also good at being unintentionally inconsiderate. Oh and apparently, I can be pretty selfish too. (Not that I don't believe this one, I'm just still trying to work it out in my head. The husband says I'm the most UNselfish, but at times super selfish, person he's met. Ummmm....)

I'm not afraid to admit I have faults. I get depressed. It's nasty. I fall into a deep dark hole and nothing you can say can bring me out. And I mean it's an ugly hole full of far from pleasant thoughts. But IF I could help it, which I definitely try to do, I'd totally not be that way. I'm also condescending. I'm not really sure why. It's not that I think I'm better than anyone, cuz I'm not. It's just that I've worked hard to become who I am and am always trying to become better, so I do feel like that entitles me to believe that I am a good person. I get jealous. Mostly in friendships. It's a weird quirk of mine. I like my friends to be my friends, but then I always introduce them all and somehow I always end up on the outside. So I'm a bit paranoid in that area. I can be very cold and distant, especially when depressed. I'm not proud of it, but I do it for others' protection, not my own. I close up and push away because I don't want others to see how weak I really am. And I'm really weak. Like pansy type weak. I take everything personally, whether it's meant that way or not. I'm stubborn, strong willed. I stick up for my beliefs or I shut my mouth. There is no in between. I can be a REALLY crappy friend at times. I don't want to be, and I don't mean to be, and I usually don't even know I'm being it, but it happens. But those are only small moments, in the big picture, I'm actually a very caring person. People don't see that though because I come and go. I come and go a lot. Just like my moods.

I have faults, probably more than that too. And I fully admit to it. BUT I fully admit to it. It's who I am.

However, I have great qualities too. And I am actually a very good friend, and if you know me, truly know me, you know this is true. I don't judge, I'm honest, you can tell me anything, if you EVER need me and you let me KNOW that you need me, I'm there.

I'll take the day off work when you break up with your fiance.

I'll go to the doctor with you when no one else can make it.

I'll piss off my husband to go have a drink with you cuz you need to vent.

I'll travel across country for you.

I'll listen whenever you need me, even if it's 2am. (And I wake up to my phone. Sorry husband!)

I'll create a character to resemble you in my book and make her my main character's BFF

I'll keep your secrets, even the ones that no one else would be able to keep

I'll respect your husband, even if I don't like him.

And if I start to like him too much, I'll back away. And when that doesn't work, I'll end our friendship because I don't want to ruin your marriage.

I'll attend your bachelorette party even when I'm in the darkest of dark places.

I'll plan the best birthday party's/showers/etc. you'll ever have.

I'll back out of a group vacation when we are having troubles to spare you the drama, since that's not what vacation is about.

I'll drive your car home when you're too drunk.

I tell boys off when they treat you like shit.

I make boys buy you drinks when you feel like shit.

I'll be there on your wedding day, even if we haven't spoken in years.

I'll be your friend as if time never passed after those years apart.

You can chew me up, spit me out then trample all over me ... but in the end, if you're truly sorry, I'll still be there with open arms.

If you hate me, I'll let you go.

If you love me, I'll hold on tight.

I'll tell you that shirt makes you look fat.

I'll tell you your shoes rock.

I'll make you laugh

I'll make you smile

I'll make you cry

I am not a perfect friend, but I try my damned hardest to be it. And when I'm not, instead of pissing and moaning about how you want too much out of me, I'll just try harder.

I'll apologize (probably too many times) when I hurt you, and I'll mean it from the deepest part of my soul.


But I will not chase you ... I will not beg for your friendship or your forgiveness ... and I will not pretend everything is okay when it is clearly not.

I'm a good person, sometimes too much so to the point where I bore my own husband. I hate being mean. I hate hurting people. I hate people not being able to forgive me.

Sorry for the rant. Had to get it out. It won't come with any rude and nasty sayings, because no matter how upset I am with someone, I just don't feel the type of anger. There will be no F Bombs ... because F Bombs just hurt. I don't want to hurt. And will understand if this offends others, though that is not my intention.

Heart broken and Disgusted and in Shock ... That's all.

So I published a book ... And you get a discount cuz you are my secret blog followers!

I was hounded ... I was bullied ... I was confused ... I was frustrated

So what did I do?

I just stashed all my fears and put it out there. I published my book as an e book. I am now a self-made author. I thought I'd feel more ashamed of myself, but I don't really. I'm actually kind of excited.

NOT as excited about the marketing portion of it.

So far, today, I've sold ONE copy ... to my sister ... I <3 You Miss Charlotte!

But soon it will be on a million different distribution lists (slight exaggeration is possible) and I will be out there. Stark naked. Ready to be discovered. (and when I say I, I mean my book of course ... I'm totally not willing to get discovered naked myself!)

So my goal is to keep you guys posted. Let you know how sales go. Kinda keep you in the loop of the self pubbing world. Let you know if I become and author outcast.

So, in case you are interested ... and you should be, cuz I'm serious ... this book is AWESOME ... here is how YOU can purchase ... which you should ... cuz you love me and you want to prove that self publishing is the death of authors ... and why yes, that was quite the shameless self promotion.

OOH OOH Anyone want to do a book review?  I'll love you forever and always!

Ok, without further humiliation explanation ... here it is!

(you should buy it!)

Ebook Price: $9.99 $7.49 USD 

25% my book if you order before June 5th :) CODE: WA93M