So I'm in this weird place. A place where I WANT to be a better person. I WANT to be happy and cheerful and reliable. And so when I'm not, I feel awful.
And who wants to feel awful!?
Yeah, me neither.
But the past few days ... I've been anything but a better, happy, cheerful, reliable person. And to me, that is unacceptable. I have things to do. People counting on me. A pile of tasks piling up with each day I avoid them. So today, I vowed to be better, happier, more reliable. And so far ... so good.
So what's the problem?
It's all just a lie.
A lie to me.
A lie to everyone else.
Sometimes I prefer the lie to the real me though.
Because this is where I'm at today.
Sad, rejected, lonely, afraid ... and I know in the last few days I have more than outworn my welcome in unhappy land. I've been a disappointment, annoying, cheerless, anxiety ridden, full of complaints and down right impersonal.
So now, I must act like I am past all that. And yes ... I say MUST. To disappoint people and annoy people and bring people down, that's only going to make things worse. I lose friends when I do those things. I've lost more than enough friends this year.
It just feels like it's getting harder and harder to act. Like I REALLY need an outlet. Somewhere to vent. Somewhere to scream. Something to punch. Someplace to run. I don' t smoke, drinking makes things worse, I can't run because it's to effing hot out, I'm too busy to take a break. And so the unhappy lingers. And the longer it lingers the more it scares me. The more I'm CONVINCED everyone despises me for being pessimistic. The more I'm CONVINCED no one wants me around. It doesn't have to be true for my mind to CONVINCE ME that it is.
I'm ridiculous. And what's worse is that I'm fully aware of my ridiculousness.
I'm writing a sequel ... and I don't even know if I want to publish it.
I hate reading people's reviews.
I hate being judged.
I hate dropping down the list every day.
I hate that what I HAVE done already really means nothing in the great scheme of things.
And I hate that I KNOW that if I ever do want to be something or somebody, I'm going to have to take down this blog. Because it's not okay to share feelings in the business like world. It's not okay to have bad days/months/years. It's not okay to say negative things.
And that just makes everyone's judgement ten times worse. I hate reviews. Did I mention that?
And I hate cleaning.
And I hate cooking.
And I hate eating.
And I hate being tired.
And I hate I hate I hate.
One good piece of optimism to throw at ALL of this hate ... it's getting some damn good writing to spew from my brain. (Sorry to the characters whose lives I'm ruining left and right! BWAHAHAHA ....what?)
2 comments:
Marybeth,
It is so okay for you to have negative thoughts and feelings and to share them. How else are we ever going to express what mental illness is all about and get the stigma lifted? It's not all puppies and kittens in our world!
A big part of being bipolar is those negative thoughts and poor self-talk. I hate those shrinky type phrases, but in this case, they really do apply. Sometimes all you can do is wallow in it and procrastinate things that you know you are supposed to be doing. And if people really, truly love you, they know this is just a phase and, like the wind, this too shall pass on through.
Remember that the great thing about bipolar is that once we go down, eventually we come back up again...so it sounds like you've been going through the depression end and are do for at least a somewhat normal spot for awhile. Until you get there, just hang on and do the best you can. The people who know and love you will still be there when you come on the other side of this.
And I would hate to see you take down this blog because this is where the real person that you are shines through. It's so good to see someone who is experiencing success still having doubts about what you have done because sometimes I have wondered if the writers that I read are actually real people with feelings. I wonder if negative reviews hurt. And now I know. Do not let the negative reviews hurt you. As hard as that might be, what you have to remember is that you wrote an actual book and got it published and that is freaking awesome. Were there some mistakes? Of course! It's your first book and your first time self publishing. You will get better and better with each book. The point of the first book is that it got you through an entire story, had a wonderful ending and a great message, and it ended up in 25,000 people's hands and counting. You are ALWAYS going to get negative reviews. But at least that means that people are reading it. And sometimes negative reviews will cause people to buy the book, just to see what the fuss is about.
I too have so many projects I am putting off - two book projects I can't get going, children's manuscripts that need revision and illustration, posts I've promised to AaB that I haven't had time to sit down and write. And that's amidst trying to keep my family at bay because it's summer and they're here. All the TIME...when does school start again?
The heat can make us irritable and bitchy and mean. Even if we don't have a mental illness. I think once the temperature and high pressure backs off a bit, you might start feeling somewhat better. And there's always the medication tweak, if you have a psych appointment coming up. Maybe you need an antidepressant or an increase if you are already taking one?
So, I've written you a novel here (feel free to publish it!), but my point is that this is honest stuff and I love to read it. I just found your blogs and haven't gotten all of them on my blog roll yet, or Christi's, but it also is on my to do list.
Keep writing, wherever it makes you happy. Because writing is the truest therapy there is and it would be a shame to remove all of this honesty you have poured onto the screen here.
Hugs,
Chelle
Hugs to you!
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