Now you see me. Now you don't!

It's a game right? Kinda like peek-a-boo ... One minute you're there, one minute your not.

Magicians call it a vanishing act. Magicians also try to cut their lusty assistants in half. Magicians are not nearly as cool as Wizards. Just saying ...

Last year ... I was here ... I was making huge decisions and feeling all powerful and She-Ra Princess of power-like.

I was proud of myself.

I was visible.

Everyone saw me roar.

And the funny part was, life sucked, BUT I had control. I controlled who saw me. I controlled who loved me. I controlled who talked to me, looked at me, deserved me .... I could see me.

Right now, I'm invisible. I'm camouflaged with by the facade of a busy girl with lots of shit going for her and a wonderful family and yada yada yada. Life it in all technicality good, right?

Wrong.

I'm invisible.

Last year I was in the midst of a divorce, I had no money, no job and no idea what my future held. Everyone was worried about me and wanted to protect me and help me. But the thing was, I was fine. I felt guilty about the help. I was grateful, but I was overwhelmed. Regardless, people saw me. My pain was visible. It was obvious.
This year I'm back together with my husband and things are going splendidly. My kids are behaving at school. This website has hit it's all time high in traffic. I freaking sold/gave away almost 50K books! I'm in college and on my way to a great future. Sure I've got a bit too much on my shoulders, so obviously I'm stressed, but that's to be expected and it's my fault anyway. Thus, I'm typical, I'm a regular bipolar chick suffering from the holiday blues and a bit of stress due to excessive responsibilities. How does that make me any different from any other Bipolar person? It doesn't. Thus, I'm invisible.

My friends have bigger problems; marital troubles, recent divorces, difficulty holding down jobs and paying bills, and some are even physically disabled and ill. My family has bigger problems; sick children, unemployment, no money, almost no home, amongst many other things. They have actual things to be upset and/or depressed about. They are visible.

Here's the scary fact, it is actually possible that I am more miserable than at least half of them.  I know that doesn't seem possible, and I know it sounds selfish, but it is what it is. I'm hurting, I'm in pain, I'm nervous, I'm worried, I'm a failure, I'm a lazy ass who wants to not be lazy, I'm a mess, I'm a bored and disinterested.

All very selfish feelings. Surely not sympathy worthy. Mostly self inflicted. A self induced state of misery and annoyance and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Broad spectrum lights ... they're great. However, the minute I walk away from them the high disappears.
Vitamin D - worked at first, then life got difficult.

Exercise ... ran twice last week. 2 miles non stop once and 2.5 miles with one stop the next run. My body felt nothing. I wasn't soar. I had no runners high. I was filled with disappointment that I wasn't able to run 3 miles.

So what does that make me?

An attention whore?

Ungrateful?

Blinded to my Blessings?

Dare we say it? ... A bitch?

So it's probably a good thing I'm invisible, right? It's a good thing no one sees me. My vanishing act is actually asset to those around me.

Doesn't stop me from feeling this way though. Cognitively I KNOW things are fine. I KNOW life could be worse.

I KNOW people I love have it worse. I KNOW sympathy belongs elsewhere, to people who deserve it. I KNOW IT.

Doesn't change how I feel.

Doesn't make me any less lonely.

What is it that I really want? I want everyone else who's hurting to stop. Then I can too. Then we can all stop being lonely.

If you're not confused by all this ... you're obviously Bipolar or something of the sort. Because only someone as irrationaly ridiculous like me could understand a word of what I just said!

(I almost posted this on the AaB site, but I lost the ballz. Go figure. I'm incapable of reaveling my ridiculous bitchiness to the world. It just is what it is.)

Two down one to go ...

Day one of vanishing act a success. That's right. I kept to myself and heard not a word unless I initiated conversation. Talked with the husband about it a little. I guess he kinda feels the same. Which I don't blame him. And we aren't exactly able to hold each other up when we are both so down?.

If something good could happen. I'd be much abliged.

That's all

Vanishing Act

Ever feel like you could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. Kinda feeling like that lately. Sure my husband would notice for obvious reasons ...

But I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth emotional and mentally and be left with a walking zombie me and no one would see it.

Oh let's cut the crap ... I WISH I could disappear and no one would see it.

I'm tired. My moods this year have been all over the place. I'm lonely. I've lost many friends this year due to many reasons, one of which was my all over the place moods as well as my poorly executed Vanishing Acts. And I'm over loaded with everyone elses' unhappiness.

I love my husband, I love my friends, and I love my family ... but I feel like I'm being sucked into all their sadness/anger/depression. which leaves me feeling frustrated, inadequate and unimportant.

I can't help any of them. And believe me, I'VE TRIED. I mean I've seriously clothed, sheltered, fed and been an emotional crutch on more than one occasion. And I am MORE than happy to have done so. The problem is, none of it made a difference. None of it made anyone's lives' better. None of it mattered.

In short, I kinda feel like I don't matter. I know that's not true ... obviously people care about me ... but their lives would go on without me.

NONE of this is to be mistaken with bitterness toward anyone at all. I love to do good things. I love to help people. I love making people smile. Problem is, I just don't seem to be able to do any of those things no matter how hard I try.

I can lead a fish to water, but can't teach it to swim.
I can show a person how to smile, but not how to be happy.
I can offer great advice, but that doesn't mean anyone takes it.

I'm pretty religious. I think those who know me well know that. And I try to act accordingly to what I believe in. But no matter how good of a person I try to be, I still continue to feel like I'm being punished for past mistakes. And unfortunately I've made gobs of unspeakable mistakes. And if that's not the case, then why am I so useless to my friends and family?

Sure, I can cheer up people I don't even know on the internet. I can make strangers smile. Sometimes I even matter to people I don't even know. But I want to matter to those that I care about. I want to help. I want to make a difference. I want everyone to stop forgetting about me.

Ever feel like you could save the world and no one would notice? Yeah, I may not save the world every day, but I save my husband time when he gets in the car by moving his seat back to it's original position. I don't save lives, but I save money when I go grocery shopping. I may not move mountains, but I do try to push people into the right direction.

But I'm invisible to it all.

I'm a Vanishing Act.

I'm the Invisible Chick

I'm the stinking Guardian Angel that never gets credit!

SO for anyone who ever tried to say I only do good things so people will do good things for me, yeah, they can suck my big fat knee cap. Because I can guarantee everyone right now that I'll still keep trying to make others feel better, and I'll still keep pointing family and friends in the right direction. And I'll still keep on doing those little things that no one notices.

Why?

I've got no freaking clue. But it's obviously not because I like the praise I get ...

**POOF** (That's me disappearing ... duh!)