The problem with Gravity

Its inevitable. What goes up, must come down. I really kinda think it's dumb, but I may be a bit biased.

So many things to be excited for right now, yet I'm still stuck in a state of blah. There's nothing I'm upset about. Things are going really well. So where is this blah coming from?

Well I shall spend my time focusing on the positive. Or try at least.

Can I wear those shoes?

I'm a heavy advocate of "Put Yourself in Their Shoes." I make a point to do it before determining how I feel about a situation. I kinda think I'm the only one who does that these days.

Fact: In a relationship ... be it friendship, family, marriage, etc ... it IS in fact possible for more than one person to be wrong. More than one person to be hurt. And more than one person to be right.

Another Fact: You can't always be the victim, sometimes it just so happens you are going to be the Villain.

I was the villain today. I'm tired of being a victim anyways.

Have you ever had one of those moments where your heart just hurt. Where your chest closed up and your eyes want to melt? I'm having one of those.

One more Fact: I can be passive aggressive. I write on this blog knowing full well people can see it *waves*, but wow, there are just somethings I would never say. Things that I never even think.

When someone is upset with me, I look at it from all perspectives.

Do the have a valid reason to be pissed?

Usually ...

Did I do it on purpose?

Rarely ...

Can I make this better if I speak my mind?

Sometimes.

Do I feel the need to hurt them further when it is crystal clear that I have already caused pain?

NEVER!

I can't even stomach the passive aggressive hatred that has been thrown my way. I don't understand it. (Yep, I'm admitting to not understanding people ... it happens ... just like many people do not understand me!) I know it sounds downright unbelievable ... but I cannot for the life of me understand hatred, cruelty, lack of forgiveness, or the inability to understand that people make mistakes.

I know I joke a lot that I'm always right, but for heaven sakes, it's only joking! I'm actually wrong a LOT. I'm really good at it. I'm also good at being unintentionally inconsiderate. Oh and apparently, I can be pretty selfish too. (Not that I don't believe this one, I'm just still trying to work it out in my head. The husband says I'm the most UNselfish, but at times super selfish, person he's met. Ummmm....)

I'm not afraid to admit I have faults. I get depressed. It's nasty. I fall into a deep dark hole and nothing you can say can bring me out. And I mean it's an ugly hole full of far from pleasant thoughts. But IF I could help it, which I definitely try to do, I'd totally not be that way. I'm also condescending. I'm not really sure why. It's not that I think I'm better than anyone, cuz I'm not. It's just that I've worked hard to become who I am and am always trying to become better, so I do feel like that entitles me to believe that I am a good person. I get jealous. Mostly in friendships. It's a weird quirk of mine. I like my friends to be my friends, but then I always introduce them all and somehow I always end up on the outside. So I'm a bit paranoid in that area. I can be very cold and distant, especially when depressed. I'm not proud of it, but I do it for others' protection, not my own. I close up and push away because I don't want others to see how weak I really am. And I'm really weak. Like pansy type weak. I take everything personally, whether it's meant that way or not. I'm stubborn, strong willed. I stick up for my beliefs or I shut my mouth. There is no in between. I can be a REALLY crappy friend at times. I don't want to be, and I don't mean to be, and I usually don't even know I'm being it, but it happens. But those are only small moments, in the big picture, I'm actually a very caring person. People don't see that though because I come and go. I come and go a lot. Just like my moods.

I have faults, probably more than that too. And I fully admit to it. BUT I fully admit to it. It's who I am.

However, I have great qualities too. And I am actually a very good friend, and if you know me, truly know me, you know this is true. I don't judge, I'm honest, you can tell me anything, if you EVER need me and you let me KNOW that you need me, I'm there.

I'll take the day off work when you break up with your fiance.

I'll go to the doctor with you when no one else can make it.

I'll piss off my husband to go have a drink with you cuz you need to vent.

I'll travel across country for you.

I'll listen whenever you need me, even if it's 2am. (And I wake up to my phone. Sorry husband!)

I'll create a character to resemble you in my book and make her my main character's BFF

I'll keep your secrets, even the ones that no one else would be able to keep

I'll respect your husband, even if I don't like him.

And if I start to like him too much, I'll back away. And when that doesn't work, I'll end our friendship because I don't want to ruin your marriage.

I'll attend your bachelorette party even when I'm in the darkest of dark places.

I'll plan the best birthday party's/showers/etc. you'll ever have.

I'll back out of a group vacation when we are having troubles to spare you the drama, since that's not what vacation is about.

I'll drive your car home when you're too drunk.

I tell boys off when they treat you like shit.

I make boys buy you drinks when you feel like shit.

I'll be there on your wedding day, even if we haven't spoken in years.

I'll be your friend as if time never passed after those years apart.

You can chew me up, spit me out then trample all over me ... but in the end, if you're truly sorry, I'll still be there with open arms.

If you hate me, I'll let you go.

If you love me, I'll hold on tight.

I'll tell you that shirt makes you look fat.

I'll tell you your shoes rock.

I'll make you laugh

I'll make you smile

I'll make you cry

I am not a perfect friend, but I try my damned hardest to be it. And when I'm not, instead of pissing and moaning about how you want too much out of me, I'll just try harder.

I'll apologize (probably too many times) when I hurt you, and I'll mean it from the deepest part of my soul.


But I will not chase you ... I will not beg for your friendship or your forgiveness ... and I will not pretend everything is okay when it is clearly not.

I'm a good person, sometimes too much so to the point where I bore my own husband. I hate being mean. I hate hurting people. I hate people not being able to forgive me.

Sorry for the rant. Had to get it out. It won't come with any rude and nasty sayings, because no matter how upset I am with someone, I just don't feel the type of anger. There will be no F Bombs ... because F Bombs just hurt. I don't want to hurt. And will understand if this offends others, though that is not my intention.

Heart broken and Disgusted and in Shock ... That's all.

So I published a book ... And you get a discount cuz you are my secret blog followers!

I was hounded ... I was bullied ... I was confused ... I was frustrated

So what did I do?

I just stashed all my fears and put it out there. I published my book as an e book. I am now a self-made author. I thought I'd feel more ashamed of myself, but I don't really. I'm actually kind of excited.

NOT as excited about the marketing portion of it.

So far, today, I've sold ONE copy ... to my sister ... I <3 You Miss Charlotte!

But soon it will be on a million different distribution lists (slight exaggeration is possible) and I will be out there. Stark naked. Ready to be discovered. (and when I say I, I mean my book of course ... I'm totally not willing to get discovered naked myself!)

So my goal is to keep you guys posted. Let you know how sales go. Kinda keep you in the loop of the self pubbing world. Let you know if I become and author outcast.

So, in case you are interested ... and you should be, cuz I'm serious ... this book is AWESOME ... here is how YOU can purchase ... which you should ... cuz you love me and you want to prove that self publishing is the death of authors ... and why yes, that was quite the shameless self promotion.

OOH OOH Anyone want to do a book review?  I'll love you forever and always!

Ok, without further humiliation explanation ... here it is!

(you should buy it!)

Ebook Price: $9.99 $7.49 USD 

25% my book if you order before June 5th :) CODE: WA93M