Enough Already!!!

As many of you know, I'm a tad overwhelmed these days. A few things are surfacing from this issue...

1. I'm missing my friends. I feel as though I've lost touch with MANY people over this past year and it really hurts. I'm sure there are some that think I've totally flaked out and others who could care less anymore.

2. I'm finding it hard to keep up with everything, YET I keep adding more responsibilities. I just don't know how to stop!!! It's like an addiction or something.

3. Anxiety has become an every day issue that I can not help but try to hide in every way possible. I'm pretty good at it and I'm sure it's helpful to others, however, not so helpful to me.

4. I'm growing large amounts of bitterness towards others and myself. Others for getting in the way of all the things I need to do and myself for adding to that pile of things.

5. Feelings of inadequacy keep creeping up. They started at my toes and have worked their way to my shoulders....if they find their way above my head you may find me in a padded room soon!

Needless to say I KNOW I need to cut some things, however I'm not sure where to start. Everything I'm doing is SO important to me.

On my current plate of responsibilities ...

1. Being a mom and a wife - Can't give this up...duh!

2. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. (I'd TOTALLY give this one up if at all possible)

3. Running a website (www.askabipolar.com) I've committed myself to this site. It's my world!

4. Writing a book (currently editing) I have a HUGE feeling that this book is "the one". My heart is in it in every way possible. I REFUSE to give it up.

5. Working for "the lawyer". This is my families secondary income. Without it, I'm not sure we could pay the bills.

6. PDog.... he's been a handful. Getting in the way of all of the above these past few weeks since school started. It's not a responsibility I have control over and I don't want to give it up, I just wish it would take up a tiny less time (as well as produce a few less bruises)

7. I'm now volunteering with NAMI. I feel that this is very important. It pulls everything together and makes what I'm doing with the website, my book and my son mean so much more.

8. I recently agreed to teach 4th grade religious ed on Sunday nights while my children attend. I feel like it's my way of giving back to the church and the perfect way to make sure I go to church every week. Though I'm not sure I was prepared for the amount of work it truly is. I'm pretty worried about it.

9. I <3 TV and right now all the new seasons are starting and smart me decided to tell my husband it was ok to get rid of the dvr to save money. Highly regretting that decision right now.

10. Everything else that needs to get done in the day to day life. Including web design projects, paying bills, paying attention to my family and friends, trying to keep in touch with my family.

Just thinking about it all makes me want to vomit. Can you see where it is so hard give any of it up?!?! Most people with bipolar try to get through one task a day, I try to stay under 15!!!!

Feeling inadequate...maybe I need to buy a big truck?

I've been in quite the tizzy this week.

So far things aren't going well with PDog in school. I feel like things are getting off on the wrong foot with the new teachers and I'm worried they hate me already, but at the same time I'm afraid they aren't doing everything that needs to be done for PDog. I get so caught between being liked and getting things done.

The website seems to be going down hill. I haven't been able to get in touch with some of my authors and I haven't had a question in quite some time. I'm so passionate about it. I don't want to lose it. I feel like all my moods revolve around it's success lately and I KNOW that's a bad thing.

Most of my BP friends are MIA and that makes me worry for them, yet at the same time makes me wonder if I did or said something wrong.

IDK, really, I'm just worried that people dislike me lately. I hate being disliked. I NEED to be liked. It's like air to me. It's ridiculous. Thus the reason I go out of my way to over load myself with all these things and obligations when the reality is I can't possibly keep up with them all. But does that stop me? Not even a tiny bit. Instead I keep up with the obligations and fall behind on the things that really matter..ya know...like bathing. (Ok I still bathe...but probably not as often as I'd like to) Or making dinner. Or keeping my house clean.

I'm feeling like such an inadequate friend, wife, mother, sister, brother....wait, daughter, homemaker, employee, writer, volunteer....Why can't I just have the time to do it all and be what I want to be! Why can't I function on 4 hours of sleep a night. It would really help in my getting things done area.

Pessimist!

Happy - Got a call from PDog's teacher today....to say he was having a good morning! WOOT!

Not Happy - I've already had to pick him up once and it was only the second day of school. At least it was only because he didn't feel well.

Happy - Finished a new website and it's really pretty.

Not Happy - They haven't paid the bill yet :(

Happy - Yesterday was my 9th Anniversary!

Not Happy - We had very little money and no babysitter so we weren't really able to celebrate much.

So possibly I'm a bit pessimistic these days. The website is not going as well as I wanted. I mean it's still going and people are still visiting, but it's not growing. I need to start editing my book and it's going to take longer than expected. I'm also losing confidence over it. I really want to be happy. And I really SHOULD be happy, but it's just not happening.

I just wish there was a magic happy button you could push every time you feel blue!