FieldtripFAIL

Who would have thought a field trip could turn into such a disaster? Sigh...

All was good until "The Great Sandwich Debacle", in which my son this morning distinctly said, "I want peanut butter and grape jelly" then decided at lunch time that he distinctly remembered saying, "I want peanut butter and butter."

Now I COULD have argued with him till I was blue in the face, however I left it up to him. I apologized for the mistake and said "You can eat this sandwich or we can leave early."

(STOP....rewind....Let's explain why I am being such a mean mom here. Let me paint the picture...

Friends at the zoo walk past with ice cream.

Son: I want ice cream.

Mom: No, you haven't had lunch.

More friends at the zoo pass with more freakin ice cream.

Son: Please may I have some ice cream mom? (Dammit with those floppin manners!)

Mom: FINE, but only if 'you promise to eat your sandwich at lunchtime'.

Son: Of course!!!

In two words momFAIL!

Ok back to our original story now......)

So this argument about the dang sandwich turns into a full on fit. Lying in the grass, then saying, "Fine, I'll eat the sandwich." Then deciding, "No, I didn't ask for jelly, I'm not going to eat it." Then he grabbed it off the ground and smooshed it all together in the bag. (Turning it into PB & J Awesomesauce) Then escalated all the way to running into the woods and me chasing after him as he screams, "This is the worst day of my life!" and "I just want to run away forever."

Ahhhh yes....the lovely words of a bipolar child. And those are amongst the happiest of them this week.

We are definitely at a low.

So we came home after I chased him down one more time and apologized to the teacher for leaving early (Thank GOD she understood) and the entire car ride I listened to, "This was the worst field trip ever. I'm never going back to that zoo." and "If you take me back there I'm going to run away and climb over the fence."

100% FieldtripFAIL

In better news I got a critique back today that was right on the money and made me want to throw my MS and run for the woods and jump the fence and yell, "This is the worst MS ever!"

Oh wait...that's not better news is it? Shit!

Someone please send me a bottle of wine and some Xanex!

If it's not One thing It's the Mother

That's kinda how I feel today. I feel like I must be doing something wrong as a mother. Things have not been getting better with my son, and dealing with a 7 yo child with BiPolar Disorder feels like the world has slapped you in the face for not being a better parent.

Today at school my son told his resource teacher that he hates her. I'm sure she loved that. Then he told her he wants to die. Just cut himself and bleed to death.

Don't get me wrong, I'm super concerned about him. No 7 yo should say those things, let alone think them. Unfortunately, my 7 yo does from time to time.

But the first thing I thought about was what am I not doing right? What does this teacher think of me as a mother? She must think I'm horrible. I mean why else would a kid say something like that? Why else would a kid come up with those ideas?

I guess what I'm saying is, I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm missing something...something I should be doing, but I'm not. I feel like a failure because I can't help my son no matter how hard I try.

Meds don't work....ok well they work for like a week and then it goes right back to how it was before...or gets worse.

So far Therapy isn't working.

Punishing him for his bad behavior doesn't work. It just fuels his self destructive thoughts and the next thing you know he's saying things like,

"Everyone hates me."

"Everyone is always mad at me."

"I just want to die."

"I want to hurt myself, I deserve to be hurt."

And then, if we don't punish him, he walks all over us like he can do whatever he wants.

There is no winning with this child.

What am I missing?

And it doesn't help that I'm a writer. Writers deal with failure every day. I suppose maybe it's my way of saying, "Hey if I can deal with this failure, maybe I can deal with that one!"

Ok well maybe not, but that's how I feel TODAY.

It's been a bad day. (But you already know that because I only write when I'm having a bad day!)

I have come to the conclusion maybe I should start writing more. Maybe I should vent via a blog. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. My husband is just as burnt out as me. Maybe I can at least vent. Maybe I can find a friend or two. Maybe....