Today at school my son told his resource teacher that he hates her. I'm sure she loved that. Then he told her he wants to die. Just cut himself and bleed to death.
Don't get me wrong, I'm super concerned about him. No 7 yo should say those things, let alone think them. Unfortunately, my 7 yo does from time to time.
But the first thing I thought about was what am I not doing right? What does this teacher think of me as a mother? She must think I'm horrible. I mean why else would a kid say something like that? Why else would a kid come up with those ideas?
I guess what I'm saying is, I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm missing something...something I should be doing, but I'm not. I feel like a failure because I can't help my son no matter how hard I try.
Meds don't work....ok well they work for like a week and then it goes right back to how it was before...or gets worse.
So far Therapy isn't working.
Punishing him for his bad behavior doesn't work. It just fuels his self destructive thoughts and the next thing you know he's saying things like,
"Everyone hates me."
"Everyone is always mad at me."
"I just want to die."
"I want to hurt myself, I deserve to be hurt."
And then, if we don't punish him, he walks all over us like he can do whatever he wants.
There is no winning with this child.
What am I missing?
And it doesn't help that I'm a writer. Writers deal with failure every day. I suppose maybe it's my way of saying, "Hey if I can deal with this failure, maybe I can deal with that one!"
Ok well maybe not, but that's how I feel TODAY.
It's been a bad day. (But you already know that because I only write when I'm having a bad day!)
I have come to the conclusion maybe I should start writing more. Maybe I should vent via a blog. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. My husband is just as burnt out as me. Maybe I can at least vent. Maybe I can find a friend or two. Maybe....
2 comments:
You are not a bad mother. Just like you can't control that you have bp, you can't control that he has it either.
Is he being medication? Maybe he needs a med tweak? I would definitely talk to his doctor about this.
It doesn't sound right that your meds are only working for a week. It sounds like you are on the wrong meds. You may feel like you've "tried everything," but really, every day they are coming out with new things to try. Don't give up.
I'm so sorry I didn't read this sooner. You are NOT a bad mother and this is NOT your fault. It's no one's fault! As hard as it is, you have to keep doing what you're doing and trying everything you can. You're doing an awesome job!!! And I may not have any experience as a mom, but you can vent to me whenever you need to!
And PS: His teacher may have been hurt, but she would never blame his words on you. Nor would she hold it against him. I may have to remind myself of it a ton, but usually when a kid tells me that hate me, or that I'm a bitch, it almost always has NOTHING to do with me. Your son is hurting, and confused, because he has things going on that he has no control over. And sometimes, our words are all we have, whether we mean exactly what we say or not.
Stay strong!!!
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