In need of a better hiding place ...

So I'm in this weird place. A place where I WANT to be a better person. I WANT to be happy and cheerful and reliable. And so when I'm not, I feel awful.

And who wants to feel awful!?

Yeah, me neither.

But the past few days ... I've been anything but a better, happy, cheerful, reliable person. And to me, that is unacceptable. I have things to do. People counting on me. A pile of tasks piling up with each day I avoid them. So today, I vowed to be better, happier, more reliable. And so far ... so good.

So what's the problem?

It's all just a lie.

A lie to me.

A lie to everyone else.

Sometimes I prefer the lie to the real me though.

Because this is where I'm at today.

Sad, rejected, lonely, afraid ... and I know in the last few days I have more than outworn my welcome in unhappy land. I've been a disappointment, annoying, cheerless, anxiety ridden, full of complaints and down right impersonal.

So now, I must act like I am past all that. And yes ... I say MUST. To disappoint people and annoy people and bring people down, that's only going to make things worse. I lose friends when I do those things. I've lost more than enough friends this year.

It just feels like it's getting harder and harder to act. Like I REALLY need an outlet. Somewhere to vent. Somewhere to scream. Something to punch. Someplace to run. I don' t smoke, drinking makes things worse, I can't run because it's to effing hot out, I'm too busy to take a break. And so the unhappy lingers. And the longer it lingers the more it scares me. The more I'm CONVINCED everyone despises me for being pessimistic. The more I'm CONVINCED no one wants me around. It doesn't have to be true for my mind to CONVINCE ME that it is.

I'm ridiculous. And what's worse is that I'm fully aware of my ridiculousness.

I'm writing a sequel ... and I don't even know if I want to publish it.

I hate reading people's reviews.

I hate being judged.

I hate dropping down the list every day.

I hate that what I HAVE done already really means nothing in the great scheme of things.

And I hate that I KNOW that if I ever do want to be something or somebody, I'm going to have to take down this blog. Because it's not okay to share feelings in the business like world. It's not okay to have bad days/months/years. It's not okay to say negative things.

And that just makes everyone's judgement ten times worse. I hate reviews. Did I mention that?

And I hate cleaning.

And I hate cooking.

And I hate eating.

And I hate being tired.

And I hate I hate I hate.

One good piece of optimism to throw at ALL of this hate ... it's getting some damn good writing to spew from my brain. (Sorry to the characters whose lives I'm ruining left and right! BWAHAHAHA ....what?)

An AaB Post -Getting Someone to Realize ...

I've actually NEVER (at least that I can remember) reposted an AaB post here before. But this one really got to me and there was so much emotion that came out of it. I could only wish that everyone out there trying to help someone come to terms with mental illness could read this. And it's not to toot my own horn, it's just to explain how I would want someone to approach this situation.

Without a formal diagnosis, I believe my sister, age 39, is bipolar.  For years I have tried to get her to acknowledge she has a problem.  I have talked to friends who are psychologists and thus believe my sister is bipolar.
Of recent concern is the fact she lost a job, and then just had to drop out of school because she supposedly missed a grant deadline.  As a result, she has no money, cannot pay rent and bills and just announced to my parents she is going to a shelter in a few days.  My concerns are:
1 - she has a 13 year old son; my nephew is the greatest and an amazing young man.  I fear for his emotional and physical well-being; she has a history of yelling at him (and others) for no reason, hitting for no reason, leaving medication about the house at his reach when he was a child; she uses him to get at other family members, threatening family can't see him and the like.
2 - I fear for her; she cannot seem to develop independent survival skills, although she has lived on her own for several years; when her son was a toddler, she would stay in her room, in the dark, not socialize with family or anyone (she lived with my parents then); it was a depression.  She cannot seem to recognize she needs help with anything; she is the "life of the party" with friends and strangers but mean and angry with family; she blames everyone else for her shortcomings, despite the fact her 4 siblings have made successful lives for themselves (in other words we had the same parents and all turned out "fine"); she blames my parents, particularly my mother for anything; she is very opinionated about and critical of others but unable to be critical of herself.
I live in NJ; she and rest of my family lives in MA.  Of all of us, I would say she is closest to me as she has "talked" to me about other things.  For this reason I feel I am the one who can most help her but I don't know how to do this.
Anything you can offer is greatly appreciated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love sisters. And without knowing you, I already know you are amongst the best of them. The fact that, despite all these faults of hers and all that she has done wrong in the past, you STILL want to help her and you still love her ... it let's me know that you are amazing. Sisters ROCK!
Moving along ... Unfortunately, I am not a clinician nor a diagnostician (Yet!!! 3 Cheers for College!), so I do not feel comfortable saying whether or not I believe your sister does or does not have bipolar. With that said, I do believe it is obvious she is suffering from some sort of mood difficulties ... whether or not it is bipolar, I am unsure, but for the sake of this post, let's pretend it is. :)
When a person suffers from depression, mood disorders, personality disorders, etc. it is hard for them to come to terms with the fact that something might be WRONG with them. I mean, why would there be something wrong? She probably believes she's normal and all of you are crazy! (not that she's crazy ... but I think you understand where I am coming from) Well, maybe believe isn't the right word ... more like she's convinced herself that she is the sane one.
It's easy to shift the blame elsewhere when you are too scared or embarrassed to admit you have problems. You don't have to have bipolar or a mental illness to do this. Heavens, alcoholics do this, drug addicts, sometimes I even do it when I have a cold!

I'll be all like, "What? I don't have a cold. That's just allergies. I don't have time to REALLY  be sick."

Many times alcoholics and drug addicts will blame their addictions on anything/anyone other than themselves. I'm pretty sure we've all heard someone or seen someone on TV say these things ...

"I don't have a problem. You're over reacting."

"I'm not the one with the problem, you are."

"You're the reason I do this stuff!"

"I drink because I'm bored."

"I smoke pot to calm down."

"I snort coke because I like the smell."

No one WANTS to admit there is anything wrong with them. No one WANTS to be a drug or alcohol abuser. No one WANTS to be sick. No one WANTS to have a mood disorder. No one WANTS to be depressed.
Just the same ...

I don't WANT to be short, I just am.

I don't WANT to be thirty, but my birth year insists its true.

I don't WANT to be broke, but I'm going to school and a stay at home mom ... nuff said!

I don't WANT to have trust issues with dairy, but I do.

and

I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT to have bipolar, but unfortunately my little brain and all it's chemistry says otherwise.

I think it is important to help her realize that staying in denial and placing the blame on everyone else is only hurting her more. Heck, maybe she doesn't WANT to be a mom (or at least I know there are moms out their who'd rather not be), but I'm pretty sure she birthed that amazing little boy, so not wanting the parental responsibilities doesn't negate her from actually having them. Same goes for her moods and her actions.
Denial is a fickle little devil. It can hang on the coattails of some people throughout their entire lives. The sad part is, denial destroys us. Fear of accepting the truth destroys us. The inability to see that admitting to having problems, illnesses, addictions, etc. is OKAY, that's what destroys us.

It's OKAY to admit we are sick.

It's OKAY to admit we have problems.

It's OKAY to admit we have addictions.

It's how we respond to these obstetrical that really define who we are, not having the issues themselves.
So I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it ... your sister ... who is probably a beautiful and amazing woman beneath all her flaws ... is in denial. She is afraid of what happens once she admits SHE is the one with a problem. She is afraid of what happens when everyone knows that she knows it's true. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you ... she's terrified. Whether or not she is even aware of it, subconsciously she KNOWS that her entire world will change just by saying those 4 little words,

"I have a problem."

Getting help for having bipolar may seem easy. You might believe it's ridiculous not to try. I mean it makes your life better ... right?
But to someone who has never admitted to their issues, to someone who has never sought out treatment, to someone who has spent their whole life in denial and blaming everyone for every little thing they do wrong ... getting help might actually seem like the enemy.
However, it's actually the What If's that are the enemy.

What if I get help and I get better, but then I fall again? I'll disappoint everyone!

What if I start to hold down a job? Suddenly there will be all these expectations and pressures. What if I just can't keep up with that!?

What if getting treatment doesn't help?

What if there really isn't anything wrong with me?

What if people look at me differently once they know I have a mental illness?

What if I look at me differently?

What if no one wants to love me anymore because I'm not "normal"?

What if it is my fault and not all the peoples' who I've been blaming?

What if those people hate me because they were right and I was wrong?

What if I lose who I am?

What if I stop being so fun to my friends?

What if I end up in the hospital?

I don't know about you, but I'm overwhelmed just thinking about all those What If's!
The only thing you can do is be ready for them. You need a What If to argue each one of hers. The conversation should go more like this ... or at least this is how I would respond :)

HER: "What if I get help and I get better, but then I fall again? I'll disappoint everyone!"

YOU: "What if you don't? And even if you do, I disappoint people all the time. They get over it! Because you'll get right back up and start again. And I'll be there to catch you each and every time you do fall!"

HER: "What if I start to hold down a job? Suddenly there will be all these expectations and pressures. What if I just can't keep up with that!?"

YOU: "What if you meet all those expectations? How will you feel? Won't you be so proud of yourself? But if you can't keep up, that's not necessarily because you are mentally ill. People fall short all the time. Sane people get fired every day. What you will do is, you'll move forward. You'll find a job that is better suited for you. And if you aren't proud of you, I will be!"

HER: "What if getting treatment doesn't help?"

YOU: "Then we'll try something new. Maybe it's just the wrong treatment for you. We'll find a treatment that DOES help, and I'll be there with you until you do!"

HER: "What if there really isn't anything wrong with me?"

YOU: "Then at least you'll know. At least you can stand up straight and tell the world, 'Bite Me! There's nothing wrong with me!' And you can be sure of it and not have doubts. You'll actually have the proof to back it up. And besides, even if you do have bipolar or something similar, that does NOT mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means your brain chemistry is different than other peoples'. Not everyone has the same color hair or skin, why should their brains all work the same. That'd be BORING!"

HER: "What if people look at me differently once they know I have a mental illness?"

YOU: "What if people look at you differently because you are beautiful? What if people look at you differently because you are smarter than them? Do you really think that makes you the one with the problem? There is nothing wrong with being beautiful and smart, and there is nothing wrong with having a mental illness!"

HER: "What if I look at me differently?"

YOU: "The only way you should look at yourself differently is with pride. You should be proud that you overcame your fears and did something about it."

HER: "What if no one wants to love me anymore because I'm not "normal"?"

YOU: "I will love you, because there is no such thing as normal. And our family will love you. And your son will love you. And everyone who is truly worth your time and effort will STILL love you. Normal makes you boring. Normal makes you just like everyone else. Normal makes you blend in with the crowd. I hope no one thinks I'M normal!"

HER: "What if it is my fault and not all the peoples' who I've been blaming?"

YOU: "Then you can apologize. You can gain forgiveness. You can show everyone that you are capable of taking responsibility for your own actions. Who wouldn't be in awe of that!"

HER: "What if those people hate me because they were right and I was wrong?"

YOU: "Number one, people love being right. You'll actually have gained their favor. Now as wrong as that is, it means it will blow over. And what if they respect you more for having admitted you were wrong? What if they are proud of you? What if they are just happy to not be blamed for everything anymore? What if that makes you the better person for admitting your faults when they most likely can't admit their own!"

HER: "What if I lose who I am?"

YOU: "You'll never lose who you TRULY are. Your soul will always be the same. You'll actually gain recognition of the person you can be. And what if you like that person more? And seriously, I lose who I am every other year. An illness doesn't do that to you, life does. What is important is how you go about finding yourself again!"

HER: "What if I stop being so fun to my friends?"

YOU: "What if your friends only like you because they think your fun? Does that make them real friends? And what if they don't stop believing you are the life of the party? What if, because you are finally getting treatment, you come out of your dark holes and become even MORE fun?"

HER: "What if I end up in the hospital?"

YOU: "What if I end up in the hospital for breaking my leg or getting in a car crash? Everyone ends up in the hospital from time to time. You went to the hospital to give birth to your son. I don't see where that is a problem. Hospitals are there for a reason. They help you get better. No matter what hospital you go to, I can guarantee you it will be flooded with people. And what if you go to the hospital and see that for the very first time, you don't feel so alone? Now that I'd be envious of!"

The point I'm trying to make is, it's all in how you approach the situation. You need to be prepared for her to be angry, to have doubts, to be scared. You need to be prepared to calm her anger, ease her doubts and let her know it's okay to be scared. And the best thing you can do is find a way to relate to her! Give her examples of times you were angry, self doubting or scared. Because everyone goes through those feelings, just over different things.
And another key element ...

VALIDATION

NEVER ... under ANY circumstances ... INVALIDATE your sisters feelings. We can't control our feelings, they just happen. Feelings are NEVER wrong, they just are what they are. There is nothing in the world worse than being told "your feelings don't matter", or "you don't really feel that", or "I know you can change how you feel", or the absolute worst "my feelings are more important than yours". Nothing invalidates a person's feelings like telling them yours are more important. NOBODY'S feelings are more important than another person's. They are all equal. And unless you make it clear to her that you understand that, she will continue to push you and everyone else trying to "help her" away.

One last thing.

Share this post with your family and her friends. Be all on the same page. Make sure everyone has a sense of what she is going through and how she is not trying to be difficult, she is just scared. Try to convince them to be supportive. Make sure they know that she will succeed AND she will fail, time and time again, it's just part of the mental illness package. And the more support she has, the easier it will be on everyone.

If it helps, try picturing someone in detox ... cuz believe me, admitting and accepting a mental illness is just as agonizing. It may not be physical like trying to quit a substance, but the mental anguish is almost one in the same.

I hope this helped, and if you have ANY further questions, please do NOT hesitate to ask.

OH  ONE MORE THING ... A BIG thank you from all of us with sisters for being an Awesomesawce sister yourself! You too are amazing!

Dreams and Realities

I had a dream last night that I was walking back to my car after watching Harry Potter at the theater and walked up behind someone who was reading my book. I was so excited and had to tell her I wrote it. Then I posted on y Facebook page about how exciting that was.

One of the best dreams ever! (Minus my cousin's dream about having and playing with a pet penguin! *jealous*)

I'm not sure if this will ever actually happen, but I'm beginning to think the possibility is closer. I've become more realistic about my situation, and with that realism I have come to accept the circumstances for what I believe they really are.

New set of facts ...

1. I am not famous
2. I do not have an agent
3. I self published my book

These facts provide new facts ...

1. I have a long way to go
2. I am closer than I was before
3. Big things COULD happen

But I shall keep these few other facts in mind ...

1. Regardless of how many "sales" I've made, they were all Free books. Thus to the writing world, I have only sold 5 copies.
2. Despite the fact that I haven't made more than $50 on this book, I have gained almost 25,000 readers of my book. 
3. Half of those who left reviews requested a sequel

All of these things work together and put me in a very content state of mind.

I am NOT a big deal, but I could be one day. Why can't I be proud of that?

However, as I am still concerned with my friends misfortunes, I am going to keep any and all success announcements to a very distinct minimum. I'll be happy for me, I don't need anyone else to be :)

Running away from Reality

Feeling peculiar. Hard to explain ...

BUT, since it appears no one is visiting here these days, I'm going to try ... cuz I have nowhere else to get it out.

I am ...


Sad for my friends going through rough times (heart literally aching for them).

Overwhelmed with this weeks events.

In disbelief over something I was told today, especially because I've been told it probably wasn't true.

Embarrassed about the glaring mistake that went out to over 12,000 people and frustrated by the reviews they are leaving because of it.

Frustrated that people can be so judgmental and rude.

Afraid things out of my control are my fault.

Disgusted that I'm even posting something about me when there are others who are more important and going through much worse things, but I just needed to get it out.

And I must be weird because I'd rather all my accomplishments be theirs so they can be happy and their pains be mine so they didn't have to hurt. I hate not being able to make things better!

And somehow, although my life clearly points to the fact that I'm not, I can still manage to feel like a failure.

I feel like taking down the entire AaB site and unpublishing the book just so I don't have to hear people talk about how good I'm NOT.

I should be happy. I should be excited. I should be proud. I am none of those things.

I'm too full of fear, regret, angst and denial to be any of those things.

20,000 people are reading my book and being critical of every tiny aspect of it. They are picking it apart and it feels like they are picking me apart. As much as I may have wanted it at one point, even craved it, I don't know if I'm made for this. Every bad thing written about it I feel the need to change or be explained. But how do you explain to 20,000 that you are bipolar, and far from perfect, and that this book is so much more than just a story. And that yes, it may seem like it has a lot of cussing, but I did my research ... that IS how most teens talk. I just didn't want to sugar coat anything.

I'm pretty sure I'm falling out of my mania. I hate when that happens. And then I'm haunted by the fact that maybe that person was right, maybe I really am a selfishly horrible person and she was the only one who could actually see it.

And I'm already upset with anyone who is reading this and feels compelled to tell me otherwise.

How I really feel ... I wish people would just stop saying good things about me. (I know ... sounds super conceited) The more people tell me what they like about me or what I did, the more I feel like they are all just trying to be nice and/or they aren't seeing me for who I am. And I feel like if they really do mean it and it is true that I probably don't deserve it But then anytime someone says something negative I get all upset and defensive.

I just want to be in between.

Fact:

In high school I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be well liked. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be wanted.

Another Fact:

This year I was informed that people (as in the kind you want to hear it from) thought I was pretty. I heard it so much I started hating it. They didn't even notice my personality ... just the face. (And it's really not that pretty ... i just happen to take good photos sometimes.)

Now ... I no longer want to be thought of as pretty ... but I do

Another Fact:

People like me. People I don't even know. People who rarely see the real me. People who, if they probably knew who the real me is, would probably not like me.

I'm too scared to be liked ... it's just a matter of time before you're not liked anymore.

And another Fact:

Apparently I'm smart. Like REALLY smart. I found this out today after having taken an IQ test for some diagnostic testing. So smart in fact, although my husband would not believe it, I'm embarrassed to even say what that score was. So smart that I feel guilty because I think now he feels ... IDK ... but it's not a good feeling whatever it is ... and now he refuses to take an IQ test because he can't stand the thought of having a lower score. (We're competitive like that.) The score was so high that I myself don't believe it's true and feel like demanding I take another so they can get it right.

I graduated high school with a 3.125. People with high IQ's don't graduate with 3.125's!

One more Fact:

I've spent the last three years wanting to be a successful author. I've ate it, breathed it, slept it. And now ... when the possibility of authoric (my new word) success seems tangible, I'm absolutely terrified and refuse to believe that what has happened is actually a big deal. I mean they're just free books! Right?

So all I can do today is wish my so-called-pretty on someone who feels anything but.

I wish my intelligence on my husband because I know he'd rather have it.

I wish my popularity (or whatever it might be) on someone who really deserves it.

And I wish my possible success on someone who feels like they will never be successful.

I'd rather just go back to being plain old me. It was easier. I didn't have to be afraid of becoming egotistical. I didn't have to worry about people criticizing my work. I didn't have to stress about who my real friends were, because I was already convinced I knew, and I didn't have to believe that people liked me more for my looks than for who I was.

AND to top it off, I feel like a whiny, pathetic beeeoch for even feeling any of these things. I mean really, who complains about this stuff?

So tonight, to sum up what this peculiar feeling is ... the best word I can come up with is ... disgust.

I can't see through this fog of denial ...

Or maybe it isn't denial. I don't know. Maybe it's just a realistic point of view on the subject.

I started writing in September 2008. It was a scarey journey, a fun journey, an educational journey. By September of 2009 I was living the blogger's life (at least in a small way.) I was querying a book, blogging everyday, tweeting with agents and authors alike. People knew who I was. Agents knew who I was.

Yet, I couldn't get a bite on my books if my life depended on it. And I'm serious, my books were that bad!

Here I am, almost two years later and I'm not #3 on the Kindle's Free Children's eBook Best Seller List. I've sold (given away?) over 17,000 books in the past five days. I should be happy about this. I mean it's a good thing ... right?

Why don't I feel like it's that big of a deal?

All the people who were my friends on and off line, the people who helped me get to where I am at today, the people who encouraged me to keep going (sans my sisters and couple awesome crit partners), none of them are celebrating with me. I've tweeted it, facebooked it, blogged about it, SUPER over announced it (I was slightly excited about it yesterday) and maybe one or two of the writers/agents/other people I associated with in the beginning said a word something about it.

Somehow, I've interpreted this (as ridiculous as it may sound) to mean that this accomplishment is not indeed a big deal. If it was, wouldn't I be congratulated by people other than my family and super close friends? (I love you family and close friends!!! These thoughts are not by any means directed toward you.)

But then I think, WOW, maybe those relationships I formed with other writers/agents/etc. were really just superficial. That they did not indeed care about me or my career, while on on the other hand still regularly check to see the progress they've made. And really, this is not about any one individual. It is actually about the internet/blogging world in general. Granted I wouldn't even know two of the most awesome people I know had the internet/blogging world not existed, I still feel like 2 years of my life was wasted trying to become something I could have without all that effort.

(Good thing the husband doesn't read this ... so not in the mood for an, "I told you so!")

Anyways. I know I should be happy, but for some reason I have a feeling that making a big deal of this is really making a big deal of nothing at all. It's not like I've made any money. Every one of those books was Free. It hasn't driven anyone to by the paper copies. Hasn't resulted in tons of reviews and the reviews I have gotten weren't all that wonderful. They weren't horrible, but they were embarrassing.

I rushed so much to just "get the book out there" that I didn't think it would be a problem to wait and update the one version. It wasn't the one I was concerned about anyway. 12,000 copies later and some really nasty reviews. yeah, i was a big deal.

I'm just so negative today ....