Things that mean the world to me!

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Uncertainty

The past few weeks have been quite a blur. Many emotions have been thrown around. And now life has been placed in a stand still mode for probably the next 6-8 months. Not a big fan of that. I like to get on with things...move along...move on. But when you have kids, sometimes that's not possible.

As my impending divorce draws nearer, my confidence runs as far away as possible. I know this is the best thing for my family, however there are SOOOO many questions I can't even begin to answer.

Will I make it on my own?

Will I be able to find a job  in time?

Will my kids hate me?

Will it be as lonely as I think it will be?

Will I have to move soon?

Will I ever find someone who can meet my needs?

Will I ever be me again? Or was I never me to begin with?

Will I have a hard time finding me if that's the case?

We've danced around this outcome many many times, and in the back of my mind I always knew it would happen. This alone makes me feel horrible. Though I will not hesitate to say that I did everything I possibly could to NOT get to this point, it still doesn't take away the pain. And though it was I who made this decision, it still doesn't make the loss any easier. And although I know this is the best thing for my family, it doesn't stop me from being terrified of the future!

If tears were beers...

I'd probably be pleasantly over the legal limit for driving after this weekend...

Just a rough day yesterday. My mind is all over the place. Certain things just aren't progressing as I'd hoped and I really hate when that happens. I understand I need to be patient, the question is, for how long?

Cuz I've been patient for a LONG time! (A REALLY long time) And it's kinda wearing on me.

Well I hope all is well with everyone. Sorry for the vagueness of the post, in reality...all these words pertain to quite a few areas of my life. So not my favorite!

Anxiety and the Never Ending Nausea

I have my SSD appointment today. It's said that I'll most likely get denied, so I have no clue why I'm bothering. And I'm so caught up in trying to prove them wrong, that I am indeed not capable performing a full time job right now, I haven't stopped feeling sick for the past 4 weeks.

It's like I'm pregnant (which seriously, I PROMISE I'm not). I feel sick to my stomach all day and all night. I'll feel so sick that I don't want to eat and then when I do finally eat I can't stop. WTH is that?

To top things off, things with PDog have been downright stressful. Between trying to keep him in school and finding the right med combination, to managing rages...I'm pretty much spent.

And then my husband wonders why I don't want to make dinner at the end of the day or why the laundry isn't done or why the house still needs to be picked up. And sure, all that sounds easy enough, but for some reason, no matter how much he get's annoyed, I can not find the motivation to keep up with any of it.

Don't even get me started on our finances of which I royally effed up this past couple months. It's hard enough to force myself to get 10hrs of work in per week. How the heck would I be able to do 40?

And after all this....after completely explaining it,  I feel like such a lazy jerk who just doesn't want to do anything. But that's not true. I swear it's not. It's just I can't focus enough to remember what needs to be done or how much money is in the account or what time it is and have I picked up the kids yet? It's ridiculous.

This whole keeping focus thing is super ridiculous. I'm on Ritalin for bajezuz sake! I still can't manage a daily task list, even when it's written out! Some days it's the depression and lack of motivation. Other days it's the racing thoughts and the inability to slow down and I can't keep track of my priorities. Some days it's even .... oooh sparkly gnome ....

Oh disability doctors, I really hope you don't think I'm trying to fool you. I really am a flipping mess. I'll show you. But shhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone!

If you can't say anything nice ....

Enough Already!!!

As many of you know, I'm a tad overwhelmed these days. A few things are surfacing from this issue...

1. I'm missing my friends. I feel as though I've lost touch with MANY people over this past year and it really hurts. I'm sure there are some that think I've totally flaked out and others who could care less anymore.

2. I'm finding it hard to keep up with everything, YET I keep adding more responsibilities. I just don't know how to stop!!! It's like an addiction or something.

3. Anxiety has become an every day issue that I can not help but try to hide in every way possible. I'm pretty good at it and I'm sure it's helpful to others, however, not so helpful to me.

4. I'm growing large amounts of bitterness towards others and myself. Others for getting in the way of all the things I need to do and myself for adding to that pile of things.

5. Feelings of inadequacy keep creeping up. They started at my toes and have worked their way to my shoulders....if they find their way above my head you may find me in a padded room soon!

Needless to say I KNOW I need to cut some things, however I'm not sure where to start. Everything I'm doing is SO important to me.

On my current plate of responsibilities ...

1. Being a mom and a wife - Can't give this up...duh!

2. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. (I'd TOTALLY give this one up if at all possible)

3. Running a website (www.askabipolar.com) I've committed myself to this site. It's my world!

4. Writing a book (currently editing) I have a HUGE feeling that this book is "the one". My heart is in it in every way possible. I REFUSE to give it up.

5. Working for "the lawyer". This is my families secondary income. Without it, I'm not sure we could pay the bills.

6. PDog.... he's been a handful. Getting in the way of all of the above these past few weeks since school started. It's not a responsibility I have control over and I don't want to give it up, I just wish it would take up a tiny less time (as well as produce a few less bruises)

7. I'm now volunteering with NAMI. I feel that this is very important. It pulls everything together and makes what I'm doing with the website, my book and my son mean so much more.

8. I recently agreed to teach 4th grade religious ed on Sunday nights while my children attend. I feel like it's my way of giving back to the church and the perfect way to make sure I go to church every week. Though I'm not sure I was prepared for the amount of work it truly is. I'm pretty worried about it.

9. I <3 TV and right now all the new seasons are starting and smart me decided to tell my husband it was ok to get rid of the dvr to save money. Highly regretting that decision right now.

10. Everything else that needs to get done in the day to day life. Including web design projects, paying bills, paying attention to my family and friends, trying to keep in touch with my family.

Just thinking about it all makes me want to vomit. Can you see where it is so hard give any of it up?!?! Most people with bipolar try to get through one task a day, I try to stay under 15!!!!

Feeling inadequate...maybe I need to buy a big truck?

I've been in quite the tizzy this week.

So far things aren't going well with PDog in school. I feel like things are getting off on the wrong foot with the new teachers and I'm worried they hate me already, but at the same time I'm afraid they aren't doing everything that needs to be done for PDog. I get so caught between being liked and getting things done.

The website seems to be going down hill. I haven't been able to get in touch with some of my authors and I haven't had a question in quite some time. I'm so passionate about it. I don't want to lose it. I feel like all my moods revolve around it's success lately and I KNOW that's a bad thing.

Most of my BP friends are MIA and that makes me worry for them, yet at the same time makes me wonder if I did or said something wrong.

IDK, really, I'm just worried that people dislike me lately. I hate being disliked. I NEED to be liked. It's like air to me. It's ridiculous. Thus the reason I go out of my way to over load myself with all these things and obligations when the reality is I can't possibly keep up with them all. But does that stop me? Not even a tiny bit. Instead I keep up with the obligations and fall behind on the things that really matter..ya know...like bathing. (Ok I still bathe...but probably not as often as I'd like to) Or making dinner. Or keeping my house clean.

I'm feeling like such an inadequate friend, wife, mother, sister, brother....wait, daughter, homemaker, employee, writer, volunteer....Why can't I just have the time to do it all and be what I want to be! Why can't I function on 4 hours of sleep a night. It would really help in my getting things done area.

Pessimist!

Happy - Got a call from PDog's teacher today....to say he was having a good morning! WOOT!

Not Happy - I've already had to pick him up once and it was only the second day of school. At least it was only because he didn't feel well.

Happy - Finished a new website and it's really pretty.

Not Happy - They haven't paid the bill yet :(

Happy - Yesterday was my 9th Anniversary!

Not Happy - We had very little money and no babysitter so we weren't really able to celebrate much.

So possibly I'm a bit pessimistic these days. The website is not going as well as I wanted. I mean it's still going and people are still visiting, but it's not growing. I need to start editing my book and it's going to take longer than expected. I'm also losing confidence over it. I really want to be happy. And I really SHOULD be happy, but it's just not happening.

I just wish there was a magic happy button you could push every time you feel blue!

In the Rough...

It's been one of those weeks....not so much for me, but PDog. He hasn't actually raged this week, but he has had some break downs. Somehow though, I've been completely able to handle them and talk him through them. And it's almost as if he knows I am able to do that.

I have been doing my best lately to stay consistent. The kids may or may not like me very much because of this. But the important thing is that I like me...especially when I win! I like winning. And I have won EVERY battle this week.

*bursts out singing Queen*

Other than that, the website is doing ok. It was doing better last week. I really need to stop watching the traffic, but it's kinda impossible. This week I am doing a blog tour that will follow into next week. It's been a lot of fun answering everyone's interview questions. (It's like I like attention or something...noooooo...bipolar trait..I promise!)

If anyone is interested in hosting an interview with me let me know!

Other than that, this week has been MUCH better than last week. So far no tears...and that is an accomplishment! It's a happy week. Wish PDog was having a happy week too :(

Once Upon a Time

There was a princess. (I love being a princess) and she started this new website in hopes of helping others understand her illness a little better. She THOUGHT it was a really good idea....it was supposed to be  really good idea, but for some reason it left her stressed and feeling overwhelmed. Every negative comment cut like broken glass. Poor traffic days left her feeling like she wasn't making a difference and the difficulty of getting the word out there without pissing people off sent her over the edge.

And that's where I lie today...dangling over the edge. I don't want to stop the website, but all the negative things are bringing me down. I feel like my moods shift by the success of each days post. That's not how it was supposed to be...why did it turn that way?

Maybe I'm just down. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm just trapped in an unhappy mind while strapped down to floating log in the river of never ending funk. Funks are not my favorite.

This funk I am in is not fun. Why can't I get the happy manic moments that everyone else gets? Instead everything everyone/anyone says that is negative in the tiniest bit makes me want to cry today. Why?

And why do I get hurt so easily?

And am I cut out to do this website? Am I cut out for all the negative?

(Memo...I'm not GOING to stop the website...today I just want to...jut like I want to run away and just like I want to go lock myself in a closet.)

She seems so brave...but really?

Since I've started my new website (Ask a Bipolar) I've had so many comments like, "You're so brave to share your story." or "I admire your courage to be so open and honest about your illness." But the thing about it is, I don't feel brave or courageous.

I'm just as scared as everyone else that comes out and talks about their down falls. I'm terrified I'll offend someone by saying something wrong or failing to say what others think is right. I mean after all, this site is all about our opinions. What if people don't like my opinions?

Or worse...what if I don't have an answer to their question!!!

All I know is that I want to help people. I'm not trying to brave or heroic, I'm just looking to help people understand. I just want to help others know that they aren't alone in this crazy world (no pun intended....ok well MAYBE pun intended).

But just because I'm doing this doesn't mean it's EASY. Tomorrow's post was particularly hard for me to write. Admitting to my friends where I thought they fell short when it was probably just me. Trying not to offend anyone or leave anyone out. Mentioning names of friends who probably have no clue I even consider them friends anymore.

In reality, I'm kind of a shitty friend. I don't WANT to be, but I kinda am. I used to spend all my time chasing after friends and making everyone try to like me, these days, if people don't talk to me I just don't think about it and I forget to contact them. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. Others there is too much to say. And sometimes I just can't come up with the right way to get out what I want to say. So I stay away.

I'm high maintenance. I'm easily hurt and easily irritated. Yet most of the time, no one would ever know it. I'm a big fat wimp that never knows how or when to apologize. I crumble away from the truth when I know it will hurt someone. I run away instead of facing the problem straight on.

I'm not brave. I'm not courageous. I'm frail and weak.

But what matters to me is that I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to make a difference. I'm a loyal friend even when it seems like I'm not. I ALWAYS have my friends best interests in mind, even when I can't explain how that is possible or why. In my heart, I'm just the kind of friend I would want. But on the surface I'm flaky, I'm (unintentionally) inconsiderate, and I'm impossible to rationalize with. I do try my best not to do these things, but unfortunately these actions are part of who I am.

I'm not a hero, I deserve no metals of honor. I'm just me. An incredibly unperfect (sigh) person trying to do what's right, though it often comes out wrong.

Makes me feel like an inadequate BP

Today's post on Ask a Bipolar was really difficult for me to swallow. I feel for Erika and all the scary things she has been through. And at the same time I feel like I should stop complaining about my issues with Bipolar as they are nothing compared to hers.

I sometimes feel the same about PDog when I hear what other parents go through with their children. Where as he is very difficult, we seem to have his illness well under control in comparison to most other children.

Now don't get me wrong, I am thankful for these things, but the lovely Catholic in me feels guilty that other people have it worse than us. I'm not sure I can make anyone understand this, but it just is what it is.

So my support goes out to Erika and all the other people who suffer from severe Bipolar and/or worse conditions. I feel for you and hope you are all able to find the treatment you need.

My disappointment with the library...or just YA NF books in general

I went to the library to pick up a hold today (Linger by Maggie Stiefvater *swoons*) and remembered there was a book I really wanted to read, "Everything I Needed to Know About Being a Girl I Learned from Judy Blume". I looked for it and couldn't find it, though the computer said there were 2 of them on the shelf. The problem was, I wasn't looking in Non-Fiction.

I have to be honest here, I never even considered that the YA section would have a Non-Fiction portion. I HAD to check it all out. I read pretty much every title and was appalled to find there was not even ONE on Teen Bipolar. Maybe about two on depression and I think on on Schizophrenia, that that was it!!!

I was insanely disgusted. There are plenty of books out there for parents of bipolar children/teens. Even books out their for bipolar adults. But what about the books for those children and teens that are actually suffering from this illness? Why aren't there any books for them?

Don't publishers thing that teens suffering from bipolar disorder would actually want to pick up a book about someone who totally gets what they are feeling?

So there is my little rant. Needless to say, I think I've found my calling. There needs to be awareness not only for these parents, but for the kids actually going through this. I, with all my heart, intend on changing that. And when I'm determined. Watch out!!!

Is it a me thing? Or a bipolar thing?

I have these days *cough* like today *cough* where I just feel like I'm an irritation to everyone. Like no matter how much someone tries to cheer me up, I am almost positive there is something they don't like about me. I really don't get it. You'd think these thoughts would go away now that I'm no longer in high school.

Maybe writing all this YA stuff is rubbing off on my self esteem? Probably not though.

But I'm wondering, while swimming in my pool of depression (thank goodness it's the shallow end) if it's just me that feels like this. Or maybe all bipolar people? Or maybe everyone has these days?

All I know for sure is, I'm low. I'm not a fan of low.

PDog is low too. Bored out of his mind no matter what he's doing. Talked about wanting to run away again today. The only thing I could come up with to say was, "You know what buddy, sometimes I feel that way too!" I'm not sure he knew what to make of that.

But it's true. Some days I just want to run away from home. Not for good, just for a tiny while. LUCKILY I get to do that this weekend. I feel really guilty for being so excited about that. I should want to be here with my husband and kids. And I should want to spend time with them more than everyone else. But today...this week...I just don't. More than anything I just want to go somewhere and be along. But I'll settle for going out with my favorite friends and visiting the beach for the first time in 3 years!

Knowing that I get to do this, you'd think I'd be happier. Why am I not?

Bouncy Balls aren't as cool as they seem...

Especially when your mood takes a liking to them and starts acting just like them.

Up

Down

Up

Down

Up

Down

You annoyed yet? I know I am.

But that seems to be where my moods are lately. All over the freaking place. Just when I think I'm up two minutes later I fall down. Then back up for a few minutes....then...well I think you get the point

It seems that PDog is right there with me. Either he's happy or he's sad. There is no in between.

So if you've been reading this blog for awhile, then you know I started a new website (www.askabipolar.com) and this has been a slight reason for my up and down moods. Not that I want to stop or anything...I'm just so passionate about it that i want it to be successful, or at least semi successful , I'm not picky. So I'm all worried about that.

On top of that, in order to prepare myself for answering all these questions I've also been studying Bipolar Disorder as much as possible. Books, websites, blogs, you name it. And sometimes it's hard not to get discouraged about the progressions or progress with both PDog and I.

AND THEN I'm writing this story and having to point out all the things that us crazy people do, which is a reminder to all the things I've been through and may possibly go through again with my son.

I guess you could say I'm just overwhelmed with Bipolar. It's everywhere. At home, in my stories, on my websites, in my daily conversations. I'm not sick of it, well ok who wouldn't be sick of being me, but I am feeling weighted down. (In a good way though, cuz i totally don't want to stop the website or my book!!!)

I'm sure none of this makes a whole lot of sense, but that's quite typical with me. I just feel like the ratio of happy to sad is a little bit off lately, and not in a good way. Of course I'm doing my best to ignore it...and I'm actually quite talented at it. But if you were to see my insides, you might be a tad bit surprised.

Sometimes I wonder if all bipolars are as good of actors as I strive to be ;)

And if you haven't checked out the site today, I answered how I feel about PDog being "labeled". (click here)

Feelings of Success

I don't have these feelings often, but this weekend I felt like I was completely made of WIN. Lots and lots of WIN.

Yesterday was our 5th day up and running and our 3rd post. We ended up with 97 visits. 97 visits!!!! That makes me all sorts of happy. Like people actually want to hear what we have to say. And we may even possibly be helping people.

The feeling is amazing. Screw mania, I'll take this feeling of satisfaction any time.

My fear? That it will get too big. Already today we've had over 20 visits and it's only 9am. I feel like I"m starting a revolution here.

In other NONrelated askabipolar news... I've completed almost 9 chapters of my book. I'm stuck on a big plot point...I hope I find my way through it. I think it's time to start mapping. Sigh...not a fan of mapping.

The little guy had some rough spots this weekend, but I was able to walk him through them without any real raging or melt downs. For the most part he's pretty even...with small ups and downs. Still kinda on the hyper side, but not nearly as bad. And thankfully my mood has improved as well. Last week was a rough week for me, but I'm feeling much better. I got out and ran Saturday and I think it really helped. Think I'll do that again today!

If you haven't stopped by, today's post is about rages in children. Erika gives an awesome look into what it's like to rage. Check it out!

BIG FAT EXCITING UPDATE!

I've started a new website in hopes of helping out those in search of answers about Bipolar Disorder. Whether it be for yourself or someone you love...I'm hoping I can help you out. Check it out and let me know what you think and/or submit a question to get us started!

AskaBipolar.com

Oh the Noise!!!

Mommy can't function today. Noise levels are at an all time high while patience levels are at a record low....and that's saying something!

Here's a tiny, yet disturbing (to me at least) confession.

I'm not so sure I like my little guy so happy. It's exhausting. The noise, the impulsivity, the hyper, the bouncing...it's feeling like a bit too much.

And he's bored....always bored.

Am I a horrible mom? Am I just stuck in a low myself? I'm kinda feeling like there is no way I can function today. Yet somehow I'd doing it.

This mood I am in is going on 3 weeks. 3 weeks of pure irritation. Everything pisses me off. I just want a break from life. I want to move to a remote island and sip margaritas all day while reading a big fat pile of books and/or writing.

Who wants to pay for my vacation?

Bring on the Tranquelizers! (for me of course)

Sometimes I day dream about Xanex. It's lovely calming affects and the way it makes me not care about anything. There are little Xanex fairies fluttering around in my day dreams today. Sigh...they are so pretty!

Alas...I have none.

6 days with a 7 year old without mood stabilizers...it didn't go quite as I expected it to go.

I was expecting rages. Big ones. Tossed boxes of crayons. Ripped papers. Maybe a thrown chair or two...

Not one rage visited us. Not one! *the crowd goes wild*

What we did get was hyper...lots and lots of hyper mania. It was a hyper, bouncing off the walls party. And unfortunately I was not the one bouncing....I was the one climbing them!

It was strange really. I haven't seen PDiddy that happy in quite some time. And it was really nice. I enjoy seeing him happy. Just not THAT happy. He was officially a jumping bean. He couldn't sit still for more than two seconds. EVERYTHING was funny, even punishments. In some ways it was easier to parent him, in others not so much. By the end of the day I was exhausted!

So here we are on day two of our Tegretol/Prozak cocktail. Yesterday was still pretty hyper, but he fell asleep by 7:30 last night. Poor guy. Today he seems calm AND happy. Is this desk wood? Cuz I totally need to knock on it!

And doesn't it just figure that when he's all high and happy I'm all low and irritable. Sigh...I'm kinda jealous. I'm one big fat crank pot and I just want to stay in bed (cuz my blankets are super fluffy yo!) and sleep all day. Or read. I like reading...

So um yeah...that's all I got. Oh update...my book is going great!

Nope, it's definitely not sunburn!

Great news...the Lamictal was working beautifully.

BAD news...PDog broke out in an awful rash from it. At first I thought he was just hot from playing outside or maybe it was sun burn. Then I noticed it had spread to his arms and was becoming quite splotchy.

I'm not sure if you know anything about Lamictal, but it can cause rashes that have actually been fatal in some cases. (Steven Johnson Syndrome)

After spending some time at the Urgent Care Center (Peds office was booked solid...grrrrrrrrrrr) and calling his phsyc doc it was determined that we need to remove him from the meds.

In order to do this he must spend 5 days mood stabilizer free. You can see where I'm going with this can't you? Today was his first day without. He's been really good though. A tad uppity and hyper, but that's not too atypical of him.

But as we all know, what goes up must come down. Please pray with me that we can get him back on a mood stabilizer before he crashes too low. Poor little guy!

In other news, I am on the forth chapter of my new novel. I've checked out SEVERAL books on BPD and BPD in children and teens. It's been almost impossible to find answers to some of my questions though. It's hard to predict what an 18 yr old boy with bipolar will act like after having been diagnosed and medicated since age 7. There isn't a whole lot of research on how stable kids remain when taking their meds. And right now, with things going so well, it's hard to imagine him getting worse again. (Knock on wood...this desk is real wood...right???)

So I know I don't have a huge following, but if anyone knows any teens (particularly boys) with BPD I'd love to get in touch with them!

However. I RARELY post links, but if any of YOU have kids with BPD, read the comments in this post. What an eye opening experience! It may not have answered all my questions, but it definitely answered a few!

Why are Happy Updates so Hard?

Why is it so much easier to post when things are going rotten? Is it the need to vent? The need update people that life still sucks?

Well things don't suck right now. They are actually somewhat stable. We had a down cycle last week so I'm hoping this week is better. We upped the Lamictal a tad, so we'll see if that helps even things out a little more.

On a completely and unrelated different note, I've started my third novel. I've decided to write from the perspective of a teenage girl with a sibling and mother with BPD. So far I'm loving it. I've checked out at least ten books from the library about BiPolar kids and teens as I want to make sure my character is very realistic. I've also chatted up a couple teens with the illness to get their imput.

Do you know or do you have a teen with BPD? Let me know. I'd love some insight. I mean I've had it my whole life, but I don't know what it's like to be stable (if that's possible) on meds and function. It's my big question right now.

What do you think?

Chasing away the Sharks

It's been a good week thus far. The kids are enjoying their time off and PDog has been virtually rage free for 2 weeks now. I think the med change has really helped. The husband thinks it has more to do with school being done, but I've noticed a huge improvement besides that, especially when he gets angry.

I've been a tad busy as of late. I fear I've kinda lost touch with my friends, but between the part time contracting work I do, editing and writing, entertaining children, cooking and cleaning, I barely have a chance to breath. I haven't even ran once this week.

Still! We are remaining positive. Good things are happening and I'm not going to ruin that. For once I'm going to enjoy it. Good bye angry sharks of sadness!

It's just not my favorite...

So things have been much better this week with P dog. Whether it is the med change or being out of school I am unsure, but I really think it is the med change. Overall he is just ... happier.

I like happier children! They ARE my favorite.

Me...not so happier. Not happier at all. Having a disagreement with someone close to me and everything I dislike about them seems to be slapping me in the face. That is NOT my favorite.

I don't feel like I really have anyone to talk to about this because I already feel like people are very judgmental about the situation and/or they could never relate to it. Totally NOT my favorite.

So this evening I feel a bit on the lonely side....wishing things could change but out of ideas on how to help them do so. Maybe it is just not possible. And if that's true....that is no where near my favorite!

Why is when things get better in one area of life they always seem to go down hill in another? Can't I just have a happy day? (Rhetorical question of course....)

The Mood Swings are Kinda Like Contractions Today

Five minutes on, five minutes off.... He is so up and down I don't know what to think!

He's talking about how he wants to fall out a window (a friend of ours suffered from this tragedy when her son passed away last year after doing so ... and P Dog remembers it) on minute and then laughing hysterically over a toe nail the next.

I'm sure it has to do with the med change though, so I'm trying not to get too worried about it.

After an absurd week (oh who am I kidding, it's been an absurd month!) and a large emotional outburst at school yesterday we decided to put him on home bound again for the rest of the year. (All 7 days of it) He just can't even get through half a day and I feel horrible for his teacher because he keeps telling her, "you ruined my life!" and "I hate you!". She so does not deserve that. She is actually the best thing that has ever happened to him in terms of school.

Unfortunately the suicidal thoughts have not stopped. He's getting pretty creative with them though. So at this point I refuse to let him shower alone (as he's said he wants to drown) and I am afraid to let him put away the knives when unloading the dishwasher (as he's said he'd like to stab himself and just bleed till he dies.) Maybe I am being over protective, but as I've had similar thoughts myself during my lifetime (mostly as a teenager) I just don't trust that he's trying to get attention as some might think.

I know I've gotten to the point on this blog where possibly I am saying too much and not holding back some obscene details, but I can't even describe how good it feels just to vent...sometimes in hope that someone else out there will understand what I am going through and tell me I am not alone.

BUT no need to worry about me. Because with songs like this, it's impossible not to stay positive. And when my little guy tells me he NEEDS this on his MP3 player....I know he's going to be ok too!

FieldtripFAIL

Who would have thought a field trip could turn into such a disaster? Sigh...

All was good until "The Great Sandwich Debacle", in which my son this morning distinctly said, "I want peanut butter and grape jelly" then decided at lunch time that he distinctly remembered saying, "I want peanut butter and butter."

Now I COULD have argued with him till I was blue in the face, however I left it up to him. I apologized for the mistake and said "You can eat this sandwich or we can leave early."

(STOP....rewind....Let's explain why I am being such a mean mom here. Let me paint the picture...

Friends at the zoo walk past with ice cream.

Son: I want ice cream.

Mom: No, you haven't had lunch.

More friends at the zoo pass with more freakin ice cream.

Son: Please may I have some ice cream mom? (Dammit with those floppin manners!)

Mom: FINE, but only if 'you promise to eat your sandwich at lunchtime'.

Son: Of course!!!

In two words momFAIL!

Ok back to our original story now......)

So this argument about the dang sandwich turns into a full on fit. Lying in the grass, then saying, "Fine, I'll eat the sandwich." Then deciding, "No, I didn't ask for jelly, I'm not going to eat it." Then he grabbed it off the ground and smooshed it all together in the bag. (Turning it into PB & J Awesomesauce) Then escalated all the way to running into the woods and me chasing after him as he screams, "This is the worst day of my life!" and "I just want to run away forever."

Ahhhh yes....the lovely words of a bipolar child. And those are amongst the happiest of them this week.

We are definitely at a low.

So we came home after I chased him down one more time and apologized to the teacher for leaving early (Thank GOD she understood) and the entire car ride I listened to, "This was the worst field trip ever. I'm never going back to that zoo." and "If you take me back there I'm going to run away and climb over the fence."

100% FieldtripFAIL

In better news I got a critique back today that was right on the money and made me want to throw my MS and run for the woods and jump the fence and yell, "This is the worst MS ever!"

Oh wait...that's not better news is it? Shit!

Someone please send me a bottle of wine and some Xanex!

If it's not One thing It's the Mother

That's kinda how I feel today. I feel like I must be doing something wrong as a mother. Things have not been getting better with my son, and dealing with a 7 yo child with BiPolar Disorder feels like the world has slapped you in the face for not being a better parent.

Today at school my son told his resource teacher that he hates her. I'm sure she loved that. Then he told her he wants to die. Just cut himself and bleed to death.

Don't get me wrong, I'm super concerned about him. No 7 yo should say those things, let alone think them. Unfortunately, my 7 yo does from time to time.

But the first thing I thought about was what am I not doing right? What does this teacher think of me as a mother? She must think I'm horrible. I mean why else would a kid say something like that? Why else would a kid come up with those ideas?

I guess what I'm saying is, I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel like I'm missing something...something I should be doing, but I'm not. I feel like a failure because I can't help my son no matter how hard I try.

Meds don't work....ok well they work for like a week and then it goes right back to how it was before...or gets worse.

So far Therapy isn't working.

Punishing him for his bad behavior doesn't work. It just fuels his self destructive thoughts and the next thing you know he's saying things like,

"Everyone hates me."

"Everyone is always mad at me."

"I just want to die."

"I want to hurt myself, I deserve to be hurt."

And then, if we don't punish him, he walks all over us like he can do whatever he wants.

There is no winning with this child.

What am I missing?

And it doesn't help that I'm a writer. Writers deal with failure every day. I suppose maybe it's my way of saying, "Hey if I can deal with this failure, maybe I can deal with that one!"

Ok well maybe not, but that's how I feel TODAY.

It's been a bad day. (But you already know that because I only write when I'm having a bad day!)

I have come to the conclusion maybe I should start writing more. Maybe I should vent via a blog. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. My husband is just as burnt out as me. Maybe I can at least vent. Maybe I can find a friend or two. Maybe....

Contemplative State

My mind is quite full today. After my blog post on my regular blog and reading other people's comments I decided to talk to my husband about the possibility of writing a book about the struggles of being bipolar and/or raising a bipolar child.

He said if I feel like I'm being called to do it, then I should.

So here I sit trying to decide whether or not I'm up for such a challenge. And how do I go about it, do I talk about how I struggled through my teen years, or do I focus on my son and how it affects our family. Both experiences have been quite difficult.

And do I write a non fiction account or do I spin it into a good fictional story?

Lots to think about. I feel like I already know the answer. I'm just not sure how to go about it.

They're just not Cuttin the Mustard!

Winter is so lovely. All the ugly snow... um I mean beautiful ... no I really meant to say ugly.

So I've been a wretched friend lately. I'm super confused as to what to do about. I am about just as ugly as winter right now. Life is very stressful and I am in a deep dark whole.

As Meredith and Christina would say, "I'm in my dark place right now."

As a result I have been avoiding almost everyone. I put in my happy comments here and there and have been a helpful critiquer and all that good stuff. But I've been very distant. And I know people have started to notice.

For blobs sake, I completely missed a friend's note about losing their baby (miscarriage). But I just don't know what to do.

I just don't want to bother people with my problems. I don't want to be the complaining friend. I don't want to be the friend who ALWAYS bitches about something or another. I want to be the happy friend. The positive friend. The friend who helps. Not the friend that needs help. And the only way I know how to do that right now is to just stay away.

I have nothing happy to say. Things are NOT well. I am to the point where I don't know how to help other people feel better because I just can't think straight myself.

And the weirdest part is, I don't even want to talk about it. Nobody has been through this stuff. Nobody will understand. At least not anybody that I know. So what may seem dumb to someone else is probably the most stressful and depressing thing to me.

I WANT TO TO BE POSITIVE! And usually I can be. But I'm pretty much at that breaking point. That point where it's hard to be positive because there is very little to be positive about. Yeah an try running a happy blog feeling like this every day. It's great!

So although none of this make sense, and unfortunately none of it made me feel better...if you could all say a prayer or two for me...that would be great. I have a feeling I'm on the verge of losing friends again, and that really sucks. Even though I'm trying to do the exact opposite of what I did last time. UGH...Can somebody else be me for a day?