Since I've started my new website (Ask a Bipolar) I've had so many comments like, "You're so brave to share your story." or "I admire your courage to be so open and honest about your illness." But the thing about it is, I don't feel brave or courageous.
I'm just as scared as everyone else that comes out and talks about their down falls. I'm terrified I'll offend someone by saying something wrong or failing to say what others think is right. I mean after all, this site is all about our opinions. What if people don't like my opinions?
Or worse...what if I don't have an answer to their question!!!
All I know is that I want to help people. I'm not trying to brave or heroic, I'm just looking to help people understand. I just want to help others know that they aren't alone in this crazy world (no pun intended....ok well MAYBE pun intended).
But just because I'm doing this doesn't mean it's EASY. Tomorrow's post was particularly hard for me to write. Admitting to my friends where I thought they fell short when it was probably just me. Trying not to offend anyone or leave anyone out. Mentioning names of friends who probably have no clue I even consider them friends anymore.
In reality, I'm kind of a shitty friend. I don't WANT to be, but I kinda am. I used to spend all my time chasing after friends and making everyone try to like me, these days, if people don't talk to me I just don't think about it and I forget to contact them. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. Others there is too much to say. And sometimes I just can't come up with the right way to get out what I want to say. So I stay away.
I'm high maintenance. I'm easily hurt and easily irritated. Yet most of the time, no one would ever know it. I'm a big fat wimp that never knows how or when to apologize. I crumble away from the truth when I know it will hurt someone. I run away instead of facing the problem straight on.
I'm not brave. I'm not courageous. I'm frail and weak.
But what matters to me is that I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to make a difference. I'm a loyal friend even when it seems like I'm not. I ALWAYS have my friends best interests in mind, even when I can't explain how that is possible or why. In my heart, I'm just the kind of friend I would want. But on the surface I'm flaky, I'm (unintentionally) inconsiderate, and I'm impossible to rationalize with. I do try my best not to do these things, but unfortunately these actions are part of who I am.
I'm not a hero, I deserve no metals of honor. I'm just me. An incredibly unperfect (sigh) person trying to do what's right, though it often comes out wrong.
2 comments:
i'm pretty sure the brave part that everyone is talking about is the admitting you're flawed...it takes gumption to do that "little" announcement. and, although you feel weak and frail, you do have the courage to make yourself better. if you didn't, you wouldn't have set up the site. i love you.
sincerely,
your flawed, weak, and smothering sister.
You are an awesome friend!! I love you!! And I am better for having you in my life. Thank you for the post, and for answering my question, even though it was difficult for you!!
PS: "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
Nelson Mandela
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”
Ambrose Redmoon
"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear."
Mark Twain
"Either life entails courage, or it ceases to be life."
E.M. Forster
"Courage is a moral quality; it is not a chance gift of nature like an aptitude for games. It is a cold choice between two alternatives, the fixed resolve not to quit; an act of renunciation which must be made not once but many times by the power of the will."
Charles Wilson
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