Guest Post

I wrote a guest post on Christina Fender's Website that appeared today.

Its VERY personal and not something I intend to share on my Mary Poppins blog, but would be more than happy to share with those of you that know I'm not all smiles and sarcasm :)

Had I Known Sooner

Emotional or Hormonal?

I must be super hormonal or something today. All it took was one phone call to my grandmother - who I haven't spoken with in a while - to set me into a sea of tears. It's not that she upset me, it's just that every time I see her or talk to her it reminds me that there is not a whole lot of time left.

It reminds me of being little. (ok weird analogy...I know...but bear with me) When I was about 6 I would go visit an elderly lady around the corner a few days a week. She taught me how to say Spaghetti and Hamburger correctly and I will never forget the taste of fresh peaches sprinkled with a dab of sugar. She couldn't see well so I helped her out quite a bit and I do not doubt those days were the highlight of her week.

As I got a bit older I stopped going over there. I started to fear that she might pass away while I was visiting her. I could not bear the thought. It frightened me to no end. Now I regret it dearly. How selfish of me to take those moments away from her.

I feel like I am doing the same to my grandmother, not purposely of course, but quite unintentionally. I now live in a different city, have three children to tend to, and only one vehicle. It's quite difficult to get to her. I should call her more often but I never know what to say.

Today I bit the bullet and called her regardless. It was nice. She reminded me on more than one occasion to be patient, that the things I want and need will come to me. I'm not even sure why she made those comments. In talking to her I realized how much I miss her. I realized how she must have so many stories and so much to say. I didn't want to hang up, but she cut me kinda short. How I have been selfish. I told her I'd like to call her more often. She said that will be nice.

I hope I'm not such and idiotic over emotional wreck every time I hang up!

Jealous Much?

I haven't written in some time...mainly because most of my issues have been rather personal. And I haven't quite found enough confidence to share.

I will say one small thing...

I get HIGHLY jealous of women who say they are still blissfully married after years and years of marriage. My heart sinks when I hear ladies say "He still gives me butterflies." I feel like I am doing something wrong :( Or DID something wrong.

Feeling Useless

So we are having some financial difficulties. (What's new right?) I have to admit I feel utterly useless today. I want to help but I don't know what to do. I tried the eHow.com and am writing for examiner.com, but so far not so good. I'm not sure I am going to be any good at it.

It's so frustrating because we have come so far and tried so hard to get to a place where we don't have these problems, but when you only have one income and three children it feels almost impossible! And I don't know what I can do to help.

I am going to go out and look for a part time job this weekend, although I know my husband is not excited about this. He doesn't like the idea of me being gone all the time. (Probably because he doesn't like the idea of being home alone with the kids all the time...LOL) I was offered help getting started with Lia Sophia Jewelry, but I am so NOT a good person for that. I can sell, don't get me wrong. But I do not really enjoy it.

Can someone explain why life is so difficult? Why can't I be good at anything that can help us financially!!!

Instant Gratification

I'm feeling a bit glum today. It's probably just because I am tired, although it could also be just because of life. Funny how I sat and tried to convince my husband that all it takes to be happy is just wanting to be happy. I've been trying to do that myself all week. But it's sad that he's not happy, while in reality, I'm not really happy either.

Something is missing.

Ever feel that way?

I truly miss last summer. I miss the friends. I miss the fun.

I also miss other friends still, but we've already gone over that.

And I'm in a rut with this book/writing thing. After reading Rachelle Gardner's post yesterday I am now thoroughly convinced I am not ready for publishing. That really dampers the spirits. I've worked my whole life to be something and it's not working very well.

(Reality Bites Flash Back, "Honey, all you have have to be by the age of 23 is yourself!")

Unfortunately I'm 28!

(When Harry Met Sally Flash Back, Sally, "And I'm gonna be 40!!!" Harry,"When?" Sally, "Someday!!!")

It seems like we live in a world surrounded by everything and anything that can provide instant gratification. Patience is impossible when everything else seems to be right at your finger tips. I want to work hard and become a New York Times best selling Author, but I am so caught up in wanting it NOW that my mind has gone blank, my writing has become sloppy, and my mood is a lingering pile of stress covered in a lack of self confidence.

The next thing you know I am going to be rolling around like a big fat blueberry!!! (That would be a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory Flash back..."I want it all NOW!!!")

And this...if any of this has made sense...is part of the reason I am feeling glum today. But it's probably mostly lack of sleep ;)

A little How To...

Tell me what you think!

How to Be Happy - The search stops here!

Taking Criticism

Well it sounds easy enough. You take the criticism with a grain of salt. You either learn from it or ignore it. So criticism is good.

Wrong...well kinda...

It is good. But it would be even BETTER if it came with "The Call." instead of the, "I'm sorry but I don't feel I could be successful representing this book."

So how disappointed am I aloud to be without looking like I need to grow some thicker skin?

I'm sad, this was expected.

I'm quite disappointed. It was my first full out and I really liked this agent, but I saw it coming.

I'm somewhat teary eyed from the -I can't help it - feeling of being a failure...is this going too far?

All right kids. Tell me to man up already. You know you want to! But I have to admit, if there is one thing I hate the MOST, it is the feeling of thinking I am a failure. I've already done that (and to a very extreme sense...long story...wasn't quite my fault) and I really don't want to do it again.

So part of me wants to give up...but part of me wants to push harder...MUCH HARDER!!! But I feel like I can't do it alone. I need help perfecting this book. General consensus says it's a great concept...but it's also quite obvious I have not done it well. Do I scrap it? Do I start from scratch? Do I throw it down and start fresh with a completely new idea?

Because I WILL do this. I am more than capable. I'm a damn good writer with a wonderful imagination....I just don't know how to make a living out of it just yet.

So bring on the criticism...(But possibly with a few kind words also...)

Unfocused Motivation

It's been an interesting week for me. I have unintentionally been slightly anti-social up until today. Today I have re-entered the real world and put back on my happy face. (Despite as small funk that continues to linger.) One cannot hide from the world for too long!

So welcome back me and welcome back Motivation. Now if only I could decide where to focus that motivation! It would be productive to possibly clean my house, but I did that on Monday. It would be reasonable to say I could benefit from working on my book, but although I would like to, I'm not sure WHERE to start with it. So instead I have immersed myself back into the blogging world.

My Blogging Accomplishments for the Day

***I wrote a guest post for another fellow blogger that brought on a small bout of unreleased emotion. I will post the link as soon as it is available.

***I noticed when I comment on a new blog and they go to my Profile this is the first blog they pull up. Completely not my intentions! So I wrote a small blurp and a link up above. What do you think of it?

***I asked friends what they would like to know about me in hopes to help with my Website...I did not get the response I hoped for. So if you have any thoughts, please feel free to chime in.

***I commented on all my favorite blogs today! I haven't been commenting lately due to my anti-socialism (Holy Crap...That IS a word! Sweet!) so it felt good to get back in the habit.

And now that I've done all that...I'm afraid I need to move on. What to do with this motivation next...what to do!

Mighty Impressive!

That's how I am feeling about myself today. Despite all that is going on in my head, despite some unhappy circumstances and despite a temporary lack of medication (unintentional!) I am surprisingly and most impressively fairing well.

Now tomorrow....that could be a whole different story ;)

If you build it...will HE come?

I'm not talking about a baseball field...I'm not talking about a Lego City...I'm talking about stress.

My life has been crazy stressful lately. I don't write about it because I don't want to complain. I don't complain because I don't want to irritate. I don't irritate because I feel lonely and I don't want to lose...friends, followers, readers...anyone.

My book is a slight mess. I wanted opinions...I got too many (and good ones too) and now I don't know what to do with it. So I'm contemplating just submitting what I have to the agent who wants my full and calling it good for awhile. Maybe I'll read up on some books about craft, dive into my other story a little more, or even start the second book.

My life is a bit of a mess as well...but I won't go into that.

My head is an on and off again mess....but that's a bit complicated also.

CLEAN UP ON ISLE FIVE ANYONE????

So here's my question in more detail...These messes...well they create stress....and the stress keeps building and building. It's like I'm building a big stress empire in my little feeble mind here. AND I AM THE RULER!!! Bwahahahahaha (Sorry....couldn't stop myself there)

So if I keep building these stresses, will He come? Because I don't FEEL like He's here. I pray and I pray and I ask Him for help and answers...and I sit back and I listen. I really do listen...but I don't here Anything. Do I need to turn up my hearing aids? Did I miss a phone call? Is my radio up too loud? Is my base ball diamond not big enough for him to walk out onto my imaginary field of stress and hopelessness? Is it because I didn't go to Church last Sunday? Cuz I totally wanted to, but well, He knows what happened. UGH!!!

Have I lost you yet? :)

Any advice? What do you do when you've ran out of hope? Do you just keep swimming? What keeps you positive?