Things that mean the world to me!

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Uncertainty

The past few weeks have been quite a blur. Many emotions have been thrown around. And now life has been placed in a stand still mode for probably the next 6-8 months. Not a big fan of that. I like to get on with things...move along...move on. But when you have kids, sometimes that's not possible.

As my impending divorce draws nearer, my confidence runs as far away as possible. I know this is the best thing for my family, however there are SOOOO many questions I can't even begin to answer.

Will I make it on my own?

Will I be able to find a job  in time?

Will my kids hate me?

Will it be as lonely as I think it will be?

Will I have to move soon?

Will I ever find someone who can meet my needs?

Will I ever be me again? Or was I never me to begin with?

Will I have a hard time finding me if that's the case?

We've danced around this outcome many many times, and in the back of my mind I always knew it would happen. This alone makes me feel horrible. Though I will not hesitate to say that I did everything I possibly could to NOT get to this point, it still doesn't take away the pain. And though it was I who made this decision, it still doesn't make the loss any easier. And although I know this is the best thing for my family, it doesn't stop me from being terrified of the future!

If tears were beers...

I'd probably be pleasantly over the legal limit for driving after this weekend...

Just a rough day yesterday. My mind is all over the place. Certain things just aren't progressing as I'd hoped and I really hate when that happens. I understand I need to be patient, the question is, for how long?

Cuz I've been patient for a LONG time! (A REALLY long time) And it's kinda wearing on me.

Well I hope all is well with everyone. Sorry for the vagueness of the post, in reality...all these words pertain to quite a few areas of my life. So not my favorite!

Anxiety and the Never Ending Nausea

I have my SSD appointment today. It's said that I'll most likely get denied, so I have no clue why I'm bothering. And I'm so caught up in trying to prove them wrong, that I am indeed not capable performing a full time job right now, I haven't stopped feeling sick for the past 4 weeks.

It's like I'm pregnant (which seriously, I PROMISE I'm not). I feel sick to my stomach all day and all night. I'll feel so sick that I don't want to eat and then when I do finally eat I can't stop. WTH is that?

To top things off, things with PDog have been downright stressful. Between trying to keep him in school and finding the right med combination, to managing rages...I'm pretty much spent.

And then my husband wonders why I don't want to make dinner at the end of the day or why the laundry isn't done or why the house still needs to be picked up. And sure, all that sounds easy enough, but for some reason, no matter how much he get's annoyed, I can not find the motivation to keep up with any of it.

Don't even get me started on our finances of which I royally effed up this past couple months. It's hard enough to force myself to get 10hrs of work in per week. How the heck would I be able to do 40?

And after all this....after completely explaining it,  I feel like such a lazy jerk who just doesn't want to do anything. But that's not true. I swear it's not. It's just I can't focus enough to remember what needs to be done or how much money is in the account or what time it is and have I picked up the kids yet? It's ridiculous.

This whole keeping focus thing is super ridiculous. I'm on Ritalin for bajezuz sake! I still can't manage a daily task list, even when it's written out! Some days it's the depression and lack of motivation. Other days it's the racing thoughts and the inability to slow down and I can't keep track of my priorities. Some days it's even .... oooh sparkly gnome ....

Oh disability doctors, I really hope you don't think I'm trying to fool you. I really am a flipping mess. I'll show you. But shhhhhhhhh don't tell anyone!