I want I want I want!

I WANT to be a writer ... but I'm a afraid I'm not very good at it.

I WANT to write a great story ... but I can't for the life of me come up with one.

I WANT to be good at writing because I am never good at the things I want to be good at.

I'm a wanter today. A wanter with low confidence and high dreams.

It's mostly out of frustration, and possibly unrealistic expectations, and maybe even a little jealousy that it seems like EVERYone is scoring agents and publishers lately.

I know God has a plan for me and I know it's all on his time table, but I feel like I'm not helping it any by falling short of my own expectations and I WANT to meet those expectations!

Massive Melt Down

This is what I had yesterday. My husband looked at me with his big blue eyes in amazement and begged for me to calm down! (In hind-site, the scene was probably a bit comical.)

So it all started when I got a bill with an OUTRAGEOUS (and I capitalize that because yes, I AM yelling) cancellation fee - over $600!!! This was all it took to make all the feelings I've been having for the past 4 weeks burst into action.

And I cried....alot...have I ever mentioned I do NOT cry? Well this was the exception.

I cried because my 10 year reunion is coming up and I feel like I have nothing to show for...all I can place are all the mistakes I've made.

Poor Credit
Having a child at 19
A Rocky Marriage (NOT so rocky anymore...thank goodness!) with two separations under my belt
Last Summer
A Foreclosure
A Bankruptcy (well...actually...I haven't been able to afford to file yet, but I desperately WANT to!)
Living in a crappy house because I don't have the credit or the money to live somewhere nicer.
A Fallen Career
A written novel that nobody seems to like
Broken friendships...which were entirely my fault

Ok I'll stop, although I could go on...and this bill just reminded me of it all...as did watching "17 Again" and that STUPID show "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and although I finally have my Best Friend from high school back, I am no longer able to claim her as my best friend because the friendship is still so broken.

And to top this all off my writing, or lack there of, is making it all 10 times worse. I think only a writer could understand how this is possible. I just feel like since I can't write...I can't make it all go away.

So I broke down....melted...all that is left are these two ruby red slippers that are looking dismal, but ready to be put back on and lived in. The question is, how do I do that. I'm a glutton for living in the past, and drastically trying to live in the present and only for the future.

And today is where I start...again...for the millionth time.

Wish me luck!