This is what I had yesterday. My husband looked at me with his big blue eyes in amazement and begged for me to calm down! (In hind-site, the scene was probably a bit comical.)
So it all started when I got a bill with an OUTRAGEOUS (and I capitalize that because yes, I AM yelling) cancellation fee - over $600!!! This was all it took to make all the feelings I've been having for the past 4 weeks burst into action.
And I cried....alot...have I ever mentioned I do NOT cry? Well this was the exception.
I cried because my 10 year reunion is coming up and I feel like I have nothing to show for...all I can place are all the mistakes I've made.
Poor Credit
Having a child at 19
A Rocky Marriage (NOT so rocky anymore...thank goodness!) with two separations under my belt
Last Summer
A Foreclosure
A Bankruptcy (well...actually...I haven't been able to afford to file yet, but I desperately WANT to!)
Living in a crappy house because I don't have the credit or the money to live somewhere nicer.
A Fallen Career
A written novel that nobody seems to like
Broken friendships...which were entirely my fault
Ok I'll stop, although I could go on...and this bill just reminded me of it all...as did watching "17 Again" and that STUPID show "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" and although I finally have my Best Friend from high school back, I am no longer able to claim her as my best friend because the friendship is still so broken.
And to top this all off my writing, or lack there of, is making it all 10 times worse. I think only a writer could understand how this is possible. I just feel like since I can't write...I can't make it all go away.
So I broke down....melted...all that is left are these two ruby red slippers that are looking dismal, but ready to be put back on and lived in. The question is, how do I do that. I'm a glutton for living in the past, and drastically trying to live in the present and only for the future.
And today is where I start...again...for the millionth time.
Wish me luck!
6 comments:
I can relate to the feeling of not being where you want to be in life. *hugs* I know you don't know me at all, but I'd love to read your novel. Do you have a link for it online?
It's not online at this time. Actually right now its a jumbly mess!
Do you have a blog?
I know it's not much, but you still have me :) And you know I love you, no matter the past. It's tough, but life is all about moving forward (and you know I live in the past myself sometimes...so easy to say, not to do).
I hope the reunion is a positive experience for you, no matter the feelings flooding you this week. Stop worrying about the problems of the past...you can't change them. You can only move forward. And start forcing yourself to point out the positives of the present! Consider how you renewed that friendship and what a brave moment that was. Try to see yourself the way others see you. I've known you a long time, and all I see is the creative, beautiful, wonderful friend that you are to me. No matter any issues in the past.
Love you!!
Thanks Jess :) You always know how to make things better!
Vent, scream, release the stress and frustration whatever way you can (legally that is). ;)
Glad it helped, even a little :)
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