Today's post on Ask a Bipolar was really difficult for me to swallow. I feel for Erika and all the scary things she has been through. And at the same time I feel like I should stop complaining about my issues with Bipolar as they are nothing compared to hers.
I sometimes feel the same about PDog when I hear what other parents go through with their children. Where as he is very difficult, we seem to have his illness well under control in comparison to most other children.
Now don't get me wrong, I am thankful for these things, but the lovely Catholic in me feels guilty that other people have it worse than us. I'm not sure I can make anyone understand this, but it just is what it is.
So my support goes out to Erika and all the other people who suffer from severe Bipolar and/or worse conditions. I feel for you and hope you are all able to find the treatment you need.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
My disappointment with the library...or just YA NF books in general
I went to the library to pick up a hold today (Linger by Maggie Stiefvater *swoons*) and remembered there was a book I really wanted to read, "Everything I Needed to Know About Being a Girl I Learned from Judy Blume". I looked for it and couldn't find it, though the computer said there were 2 of them on the shelf. The problem was, I wasn't looking in Non-Fiction.
I have to be honest here, I never even considered that the YA section would have a Non-Fiction portion. I HAD to check it all out. I read pretty much every title and was appalled to find there was not even ONE on Teen Bipolar. Maybe about two on depression and I think on on Schizophrenia, that that was it!!!
I was insanely disgusted. There are plenty of books out there for parents of bipolar children/teens. Even books out their for bipolar adults. But what about the books for those children and teens that are actually suffering from this illness? Why aren't there any books for them?
Don't publishers thing that teens suffering from bipolar disorder would actually want to pick up a book about someone who totally gets what they are feeling?
So there is my little rant. Needless to say, I think I've found my calling. There needs to be awareness not only for these parents, but for the kids actually going through this. I, with all my heart, intend on changing that. And when I'm determined. Watch out!!!
I have to be honest here, I never even considered that the YA section would have a Non-Fiction portion. I HAD to check it all out. I read pretty much every title and was appalled to find there was not even ONE on Teen Bipolar. Maybe about two on depression and I think on on Schizophrenia, that that was it!!!
I was insanely disgusted. There are plenty of books out there for parents of bipolar children/teens. Even books out their for bipolar adults. But what about the books for those children and teens that are actually suffering from this illness? Why aren't there any books for them?
Don't publishers thing that teens suffering from bipolar disorder would actually want to pick up a book about someone who totally gets what they are feeling?
So there is my little rant. Needless to say, I think I've found my calling. There needs to be awareness not only for these parents, but for the kids actually going through this. I, with all my heart, intend on changing that. And when I'm determined. Watch out!!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Is it a me thing? Or a bipolar thing?
I have these days *cough* like today *cough* where I just feel like I'm an irritation to everyone. Like no matter how much someone tries to cheer me up, I am almost positive there is something they don't like about me. I really don't get it. You'd think these thoughts would go away now that I'm no longer in high school.
Maybe writing all this YA stuff is rubbing off on my self esteem? Probably not though.
But I'm wondering, while swimming in my pool of depression (thank goodness it's the shallow end) if it's just me that feels like this. Or maybe all bipolar people? Or maybe everyone has these days?
All I know for sure is, I'm low. I'm not a fan of low.
PDog is low too. Bored out of his mind no matter what he's doing. Talked about wanting to run away again today. The only thing I could come up with to say was, "You know what buddy, sometimes I feel that way too!" I'm not sure he knew what to make of that.
But it's true. Some days I just want to run away from home. Not for good, just for a tiny while. LUCKILY I get to do that this weekend. I feel really guilty for being so excited about that. I should want to be here with my husband and kids. And I should want to spend time with them more than everyone else. But today...this week...I just don't. More than anything I just want to go somewhere and be along. But I'll settle for going out with my favorite friends and visiting the beach for the first time in 3 years!
Knowing that I get to do this, you'd think I'd be happier. Why am I not?
Maybe writing all this YA stuff is rubbing off on my self esteem? Probably not though.
But I'm wondering, while swimming in my pool of depression (thank goodness it's the shallow end) if it's just me that feels like this. Or maybe all bipolar people? Or maybe everyone has these days?
All I know for sure is, I'm low. I'm not a fan of low.
PDog is low too. Bored out of his mind no matter what he's doing. Talked about wanting to run away again today. The only thing I could come up with to say was, "You know what buddy, sometimes I feel that way too!" I'm not sure he knew what to make of that.
But it's true. Some days I just want to run away from home. Not for good, just for a tiny while. LUCKILY I get to do that this weekend. I feel really guilty for being so excited about that. I should want to be here with my husband and kids. And I should want to spend time with them more than everyone else. But today...this week...I just don't. More than anything I just want to go somewhere and be along. But I'll settle for going out with my favorite friends and visiting the beach for the first time in 3 years!
Knowing that I get to do this, you'd think I'd be happier. Why am I not?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Bouncy Balls aren't as cool as they seem...
Especially when your mood takes a liking to them and starts acting just like them.
Up
Down
Up
Down
Up
Down
You annoyed yet? I know I am.
But that seems to be where my moods are lately. All over the freaking place. Just when I think I'm up two minutes later I fall down. Then back up for a few minutes....then...well I think you get the point
It seems that PDog is right there with me. Either he's happy or he's sad. There is no in between.
So if you've been reading this blog for awhile, then you know I started a new website (www.askabipolar.com) and this has been a slight reason for my up and down moods. Not that I want to stop or anything...I'm just so passionate about it that i want it to be successful, or at least semi successful , I'm not picky. So I'm all worried about that.
On top of that, in order to prepare myself for answering all these questions I've also been studying Bipolar Disorder as much as possible. Books, websites, blogs, you name it. And sometimes it's hard not to get discouraged about the progressions or progress with both PDog and I.
AND THEN I'm writing this story and having to point out all the things that us crazy people do, which is a reminder to all the things I've been through and may possibly go through again with my son.
I guess you could say I'm just overwhelmed with Bipolar. It's everywhere. At home, in my stories, on my websites, in my daily conversations. I'm not sick of it, well ok who wouldn't be sick of being me, but I am feeling weighted down. (In a good way though, cuz i totally don't want to stop the website or my book!!!)
I'm sure none of this makes a whole lot of sense, but that's quite typical with me. I just feel like the ratio of happy to sad is a little bit off lately, and not in a good way. Of course I'm doing my best to ignore it...and I'm actually quite talented at it. But if you were to see my insides, you might be a tad bit surprised.
Sometimes I wonder if all bipolars are as good of actors as I strive to be ;)
And if you haven't checked out the site today, I answered how I feel about PDog being "labeled". (click here)
Up
Down
Up
Down
Up
Down
You annoyed yet? I know I am.
But that seems to be where my moods are lately. All over the freaking place. Just when I think I'm up two minutes later I fall down. Then back up for a few minutes....then...well I think you get the point
It seems that PDog is right there with me. Either he's happy or he's sad. There is no in between.
So if you've been reading this blog for awhile, then you know I started a new website (www.askabipolar.com) and this has been a slight reason for my up and down moods. Not that I want to stop or anything...I'm just so passionate about it that i want it to be successful, or at least semi successful , I'm not picky. So I'm all worried about that.
On top of that, in order to prepare myself for answering all these questions I've also been studying Bipolar Disorder as much as possible. Books, websites, blogs, you name it. And sometimes it's hard not to get discouraged about the progressions or progress with both PDog and I.
AND THEN I'm writing this story and having to point out all the things that us crazy people do, which is a reminder to all the things I've been through and may possibly go through again with my son.
I guess you could say I'm just overwhelmed with Bipolar. It's everywhere. At home, in my stories, on my websites, in my daily conversations. I'm not sick of it, well ok who wouldn't be sick of being me, but I am feeling weighted down. (In a good way though, cuz i totally don't want to stop the website or my book!!!)
I'm sure none of this makes a whole lot of sense, but that's quite typical with me. I just feel like the ratio of happy to sad is a little bit off lately, and not in a good way. Of course I'm doing my best to ignore it...and I'm actually quite talented at it. But if you were to see my insides, you might be a tad bit surprised.
Sometimes I wonder if all bipolars are as good of actors as I strive to be ;)
And if you haven't checked out the site today, I answered how I feel about PDog being "labeled". (click here)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Feelings of Success
I don't have these feelings often, but this weekend I felt like I was completely made of WIN. Lots and lots of WIN.
Yesterday was our 5th day up and running and our 3rd post. We ended up with 97 visits. 97 visits!!!! That makes me all sorts of happy. Like people actually want to hear what we have to say. And we may even possibly be helping people.
The feeling is amazing. Screw mania, I'll take this feeling of satisfaction any time.
My fear? That it will get too big. Already today we've had over 20 visits and it's only 9am. I feel like I"m starting a revolution here.
In other NONrelated askabipolar news... I've completed almost 9 chapters of my book. I'm stuck on a big plot point...I hope I find my way through it. I think it's time to start mapping. Sigh...not a fan of mapping.
The little guy had some rough spots this weekend, but I was able to walk him through them without any real raging or melt downs. For the most part he's pretty even...with small ups and downs. Still kinda on the hyper side, but not nearly as bad. And thankfully my mood has improved as well. Last week was a rough week for me, but I'm feeling much better. I got out and ran Saturday and I think it really helped. Think I'll do that again today!
If you haven't stopped by, today's post is about rages in children. Erika gives an awesome look into what it's like to rage. Check it out!
Yesterday was our 5th day up and running and our 3rd post. We ended up with 97 visits. 97 visits!!!! That makes me all sorts of happy. Like people actually want to hear what we have to say. And we may even possibly be helping people.
The feeling is amazing. Screw mania, I'll take this feeling of satisfaction any time.
My fear? That it will get too big. Already today we've had over 20 visits and it's only 9am. I feel like I"m starting a revolution here.
In other NONrelated askabipolar news... I've completed almost 9 chapters of my book. I'm stuck on a big plot point...I hope I find my way through it. I think it's time to start mapping. Sigh...not a fan of mapping.
The little guy had some rough spots this weekend, but I was able to walk him through them without any real raging or melt downs. For the most part he's pretty even...with small ups and downs. Still kinda on the hyper side, but not nearly as bad. And thankfully my mood has improved as well. Last week was a rough week for me, but I'm feeling much better. I got out and ran Saturday and I think it really helped. Think I'll do that again today!
If you haven't stopped by, today's post is about rages in children. Erika gives an awesome look into what it's like to rage. Check it out!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
BIG FAT EXCITING UPDATE!
Oh the Noise!!!
Mommy can't function today. Noise levels are at an all time high while patience levels are at a record low....and that's saying something!
Here's a tiny, yet disturbing (to me at least) confession.
I'm not so sure I like my little guy so happy. It's exhausting. The noise, the impulsivity, the hyper, the bouncing...it's feeling like a bit too much.
And he's bored....always bored.
Am I a horrible mom? Am I just stuck in a low myself? I'm kinda feeling like there is no way I can function today. Yet somehow I'd doing it.
This mood I am in is going on 3 weeks. 3 weeks of pure irritation. Everything pisses me off. I just want a break from life. I want to move to a remote island and sip margaritas all day while reading a big fat pile of books and/or writing.
Who wants to pay for my vacation?
Here's a tiny, yet disturbing (to me at least) confession.
I'm not so sure I like my little guy so happy. It's exhausting. The noise, the impulsivity, the hyper, the bouncing...it's feeling like a bit too much.
And he's bored....always bored.
Am I a horrible mom? Am I just stuck in a low myself? I'm kinda feeling like there is no way I can function today. Yet somehow I'd doing it.
This mood I am in is going on 3 weeks. 3 weeks of pure irritation. Everything pisses me off. I just want a break from life. I want to move to a remote island and sip margaritas all day while reading a big fat pile of books and/or writing.
Who wants to pay for my vacation?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Bring on the Tranquelizers! (for me of course)
Sometimes I day dream about Xanex. It's lovely calming affects and the way it makes me not care about anything. There are little Xanex fairies fluttering around in my day dreams today. Sigh...they are so pretty!
Alas...I have none.
6 days with a 7 year old without mood stabilizers...it didn't go quite as I expected it to go.
I was expecting rages. Big ones. Tossed boxes of crayons. Ripped papers. Maybe a thrown chair or two...
Not one rage visited us. Not one! *the crowd goes wild*
What we did get was hyper...lots and lots of hyper mania. It was a hyper, bouncing off the walls party. And unfortunately I was not the one bouncing....I was the one climbing them!
It was strange really. I haven't seen PDiddy that happy in quite some time. And it was really nice. I enjoy seeing him happy. Just not THAT happy. He was officially a jumping bean. He couldn't sit still for more than two seconds. EVERYTHING was funny, even punishments. In some ways it was easier to parent him, in others not so much. By the end of the day I was exhausted!
So here we are on day two of our Tegretol/Prozak cocktail. Yesterday was still pretty hyper, but he fell asleep by 7:30 last night. Poor guy. Today he seems calm AND happy. Is this desk wood? Cuz I totally need to knock on it!
And doesn't it just figure that when he's all high and happy I'm all low and irritable. Sigh...I'm kinda jealous. I'm one big fat crank pot and I just want to stay in bed (cuz my blankets are super fluffy yo!) and sleep all day. Or read. I like reading...
So um yeah...that's all I got. Oh update...my book is going great!
Alas...I have none.
6 days with a 7 year old without mood stabilizers...it didn't go quite as I expected it to go.
I was expecting rages. Big ones. Tossed boxes of crayons. Ripped papers. Maybe a thrown chair or two...
Not one rage visited us. Not one! *the crowd goes wild*
What we did get was hyper...lots and lots of hyper mania. It was a hyper, bouncing off the walls party. And unfortunately I was not the one bouncing....I was the one climbing them!
It was strange really. I haven't seen PDiddy that happy in quite some time. And it was really nice. I enjoy seeing him happy. Just not THAT happy. He was officially a jumping bean. He couldn't sit still for more than two seconds. EVERYTHING was funny, even punishments. In some ways it was easier to parent him, in others not so much. By the end of the day I was exhausted!
So here we are on day two of our Tegretol/Prozak cocktail. Yesterday was still pretty hyper, but he fell asleep by 7:30 last night. Poor guy. Today he seems calm AND happy. Is this desk wood? Cuz I totally need to knock on it!
And doesn't it just figure that when he's all high and happy I'm all low and irritable. Sigh...I'm kinda jealous. I'm one big fat crank pot and I just want to stay in bed (cuz my blankets are super fluffy yo!) and sleep all day. Or read. I like reading...
So um yeah...that's all I got. Oh update...my book is going great!
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