In the Rough...

It's been one of those weeks....not so much for me, but PDog. He hasn't actually raged this week, but he has had some break downs. Somehow though, I've been completely able to handle them and talk him through them. And it's almost as if he knows I am able to do that.

I have been doing my best lately to stay consistent. The kids may or may not like me very much because of this. But the important thing is that I like me...especially when I win! I like winning. And I have won EVERY battle this week.

*bursts out singing Queen*

Other than that, the website is doing ok. It was doing better last week. I really need to stop watching the traffic, but it's kinda impossible. This week I am doing a blog tour that will follow into next week. It's been a lot of fun answering everyone's interview questions. (It's like I like attention or something...noooooo...bipolar trait..I promise!)

If anyone is interested in hosting an interview with me let me know!

Other than that, this week has been MUCH better than last week. So far no tears...and that is an accomplishment! It's a happy week. Wish PDog was having a happy week too :(

Once Upon a Time

There was a princess. (I love being a princess) and she started this new website in hopes of helping others understand her illness a little better. She THOUGHT it was a really good idea....it was supposed to be  really good idea, but for some reason it left her stressed and feeling overwhelmed. Every negative comment cut like broken glass. Poor traffic days left her feeling like she wasn't making a difference and the difficulty of getting the word out there without pissing people off sent her over the edge.

And that's where I lie today...dangling over the edge. I don't want to stop the website, but all the negative things are bringing me down. I feel like my moods shift by the success of each days post. That's not how it was supposed to be...why did it turn that way?

Maybe I'm just down. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm just trapped in an unhappy mind while strapped down to floating log in the river of never ending funk. Funks are not my favorite.

This funk I am in is not fun. Why can't I get the happy manic moments that everyone else gets? Instead everything everyone/anyone says that is negative in the tiniest bit makes me want to cry today. Why?

And why do I get hurt so easily?

And am I cut out to do this website? Am I cut out for all the negative?

(Memo...I'm not GOING to stop the website...today I just want to...jut like I want to run away and just like I want to go lock myself in a closet.)

She seems so brave...but really?

Since I've started my new website (Ask a Bipolar) I've had so many comments like, "You're so brave to share your story." or "I admire your courage to be so open and honest about your illness." But the thing about it is, I don't feel brave or courageous.

I'm just as scared as everyone else that comes out and talks about their down falls. I'm terrified I'll offend someone by saying something wrong or failing to say what others think is right. I mean after all, this site is all about our opinions. What if people don't like my opinions?

Or worse...what if I don't have an answer to their question!!!

All I know is that I want to help people. I'm not trying to brave or heroic, I'm just looking to help people understand. I just want to help others know that they aren't alone in this crazy world (no pun intended....ok well MAYBE pun intended).

But just because I'm doing this doesn't mean it's EASY. Tomorrow's post was particularly hard for me to write. Admitting to my friends where I thought they fell short when it was probably just me. Trying not to offend anyone or leave anyone out. Mentioning names of friends who probably have no clue I even consider them friends anymore.

In reality, I'm kind of a shitty friend. I don't WANT to be, but I kinda am. I used to spend all my time chasing after friends and making everyone try to like me, these days, if people don't talk to me I just don't think about it and I forget to contact them. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. Others there is too much to say. And sometimes I just can't come up with the right way to get out what I want to say. So I stay away.

I'm high maintenance. I'm easily hurt and easily irritated. Yet most of the time, no one would ever know it. I'm a big fat wimp that never knows how or when to apologize. I crumble away from the truth when I know it will hurt someone. I run away instead of facing the problem straight on.

I'm not brave. I'm not courageous. I'm frail and weak.

But what matters to me is that I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to make a difference. I'm a loyal friend even when it seems like I'm not. I ALWAYS have my friends best interests in mind, even when I can't explain how that is possible or why. In my heart, I'm just the kind of friend I would want. But on the surface I'm flaky, I'm (unintentionally) inconsiderate, and I'm impossible to rationalize with. I do try my best not to do these things, but unfortunately these actions are part of who I am.

I'm not a hero, I deserve no metals of honor. I'm just me. An incredibly unperfect (sigh) person trying to do what's right, though it often comes out wrong.