Feeling peculiar. Hard to explain ...
BUT, since it appears no one is visiting here these days, I'm going to try ... cuz I have nowhere else to get it out.
I am ...
Sad for my friends going through rough times (heart literally aching for them).
Overwhelmed with this weeks events.
In disbelief over something I was told today, especially because I've been told it probably wasn't true.
Embarrassed about the glaring mistake that went out to over 12,000 people and frustrated by the reviews they are leaving because of it.
Frustrated that people can be so judgmental and rude.
Afraid things out of my control are my fault.
Disgusted that I'm even posting something about me when there are others who are more important and going through much worse things, but I just needed to get it out.
And I must be weird because I'd rather all my accomplishments be theirs so they can be happy and their pains be mine so they didn't have to hurt. I hate not being able to make things better!
And somehow, although my life clearly points to the fact that I'm not, I can still manage to feel like a failure.
I feel like taking down the entire AaB site and unpublishing the book just so I don't have to hear people talk about how good I'm NOT.
I should be happy. I should be excited. I should be proud. I am none of those things.
I'm too full of fear, regret, angst and denial to be any of those things.
20,000 people are reading my book and being critical of every tiny aspect of it. They are picking it apart and it feels like they are picking me apart. As much as I may have wanted it at one point, even craved it, I don't know if I'm made for this. Every bad thing written about it I feel the need to change or be explained. But how do you explain to 20,000 that you are bipolar, and far from perfect, and that this book is so much more than just a story. And that yes, it may seem like it has a lot of cussing, but I did my research ... that IS how most teens talk. I just didn't want to sugar coat anything.
I'm pretty sure I'm falling out of my mania. I hate when that happens. And then I'm haunted by the fact that maybe that person was right, maybe I really am a selfishly horrible person and she was the only one who could actually see it.
And I'm already upset with anyone who is reading this and feels compelled to tell me otherwise.
How I really feel ... I wish people would just stop saying good things about me. (I know ... sounds super conceited) The more people tell me what they like about me or what I did, the more I feel like they are all just trying to be nice and/or they aren't seeing me for who I am. And I feel like if they really do mean it and it is true that I probably don't deserve it But then anytime someone says something negative I get all upset and defensive.
I just want to be in between.
Fact:
In high school I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to be well liked. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be wanted.
Another Fact:
This year I was informed that people (as in the kind you want to hear it from) thought I was pretty. I heard it so much I started hating it. They didn't even notice my personality ... just the face. (And it's really not that pretty ... i just happen to take good photos sometimes.)
Now ... I no longer want to be thought of as pretty ... but I do
Another Fact:
People like me. People I don't even know. People who rarely see the real me. People who, if they probably knew who the real me is, would probably not like me.
I'm too scared to be liked ... it's just a matter of time before you're not liked anymore.
And another Fact:
Apparently I'm smart. Like REALLY smart. I found this out today after having taken an IQ test for some diagnostic testing. So smart in fact, although my husband would not believe it, I'm embarrassed to even say what that score was. So smart that I feel guilty because I think now he feels ... IDK ... but it's not a good feeling whatever it is ... and now he refuses to take an IQ test because he can't stand the thought of having a lower score. (We're competitive like that.) The score was so high that I myself don't believe it's true and feel like demanding I take another so they can get it right.
I graduated high school with a 3.125. People with high IQ's don't graduate with 3.125's!
One more Fact:
I've spent the last three years wanting to be a successful author. I've ate it, breathed it, slept it. And now ... when the possibility of authoric (my new word) success seems tangible, I'm absolutely terrified and refuse to believe that what has happened is actually a big deal. I mean they're just free books! Right?
So all I can do today is wish my so-called-pretty on someone who feels anything but.
I wish my intelligence on my husband because I know he'd rather have it.
I wish my popularity (or whatever it might be) on someone who really deserves it.
And I wish my possible success on someone who feels like they will never be successful.
I'd rather just go back to being plain old me. It was easier. I didn't have to be afraid of becoming egotistical. I didn't have to worry about people criticizing my work. I didn't have to stress about who my real friends were, because I was already convinced I knew, and I didn't have to believe that people liked me more for my looks than for who I was.
AND to top it off, I feel like a whiny, pathetic beeeoch for even feeling any of these things. I mean really, who complains about this stuff?
So tonight, to sum up what this peculiar feeling is ... the best word I can come up with is ... disgust.
4 comments:
I know you said no comments to tell you otherwise, but DAMN IT, I'm gonna!!! First, if you take down AaB, that would probably devestate the people who are part of it. THe ones that visit it, that look for encouragement, that WANT TO SEE WHEN YOU ARE UGLY because they get ugly too. You have created a place where everyone there is NON-JUDGEMENTAL because we all have a common thread, and that commonality is what causes all of the other things in our lives to turn sour (friendships, jobs, families, etc.) So if you don't want people to acknowledge the good that you have done, then I will say that ALL THE PEOPLE at AaB have done an awesome job being there for each other, contributing their inputs and comments and abilities to keeping the site running and its a collaborative effort.
Second, while others may be going through some really turbulent waters and getting caught up in blustery storms, that doesn't mean that you have to down play any of your successes. True friends WANT to hear that. True friends get just as empowered hearing of their friends successes as much as their own.
Ive gone many years where all people saw were my looks and I had to be the perfect person. And I hate it too. I would have to walk into job interviews and try extra hard to wow them because all they saw was this young little blonde girl and what could she possibly know about this field.
In college, in my 400 level class, I had a professor that refused to use my name and when he called on me, always called me "Blondie".
My first day of law school, I walked in, all eyes just stared at me. The next night, in the smaller class, I got even more looks. The professor decided that I would be the first person he called on (i assume to make an example out of me) and thanks to having taken Torts in Paralegal school and having working in law firms for the previous 4 years, when he asked me the question, and i rattled off not only the right answer but brought up additional points that he hadn't thought of, his jaw dropped and you could see the rest of the class was just as shocked. I spent my year at law school proving that I wasn't a dumb blonde. Its sad that I had to do that, but thats what happens when the world wants to focus on everything and everyone that's "pretty". I go through phases and dye my hair jet black. Its amazing how different of a reaction I get when my hair is dark.
MY POINT IS.... after all this rambling.....
REVEL in your successes MB. You have worked a long time, gone through your own Shit Hurricane about 15 times, and why should the celebration in your life and your successes have to stop because others are having bad days. I'm sure that when you were going through hell, they had good days and reveled in them. And you probably tried to rally and revel with them.
People will not think that you are selfish or egotistical or a shitty friend for being proud of an accomplishment. Hell, I'm proud of you for FINISHING that book! AND PUBLISHING it. I don't think anyone understands what a task that is when you are not only a mother of 3, have bipolar, run a website, and a wife!
Your friends only expect you to be who you are. To do the things you want to do, and to achieve the dreams and goals that YOU want and YOU set out forself, not what anyone else wants or expects.
Go buy yourself a a wig, big sunglasses and a trench! Walk around in disguise, be the mysterious woman.... :) That would be fun! :)I might do that! :)
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I Heart My Pocket Christi.
And for you as well, please don't down play what you are going through. Unfortunately, at least to a small extent, I get what you are going through.
I think I'm just having a hard time figuring out where I fit in with this whole situation. It's like my dreams are coming true, but aren't. (If that makes sense) I want to be proud, but I don't want to be disappointed if it falls through.
And no, I don't plan to take down the site. But I'll admit that sometimes it sounds like such a wonderful stress relieving idea. However, I live and breath that site. I got back with my husband under the condition that AaB stays and I will NOT give it up. (Even if I sometimes want to)
Have you ever doubted if your accomplishments were really accomplishments or just ordinary things that really aren't a big deal? Yet in the back of your mind you KNOW they are a big deal. I mean come on ... I took out Take! (WOOT) And the IQ thing ... HOLY $h!t! It was a huge shocker. (Tobby still doesn't believe it)
And I think a part of me is afraid to lose myself if this is indeed something big. And/or lose my friends who mean the world to me. You guys are amazing and have kept me strong when I was at my weakest.
Anywho ... enough rambling.
Will the wig be blue? I kinda like green better.
Oh ... and you forgot ... I'm a student too ;)
LOVE YOU!
First off, what your little Pocket Christi said.
Secondly, the ring was given to you for a reason...read it, fidget with it, believe it. We don't lie.
The love is over-flowing in my heart for you and your success...you deserve it.
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