Vanishing Act

Ever feel like you could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. Kinda feeling like that lately. Sure my husband would notice for obvious reasons ...

But I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth emotional and mentally and be left with a walking zombie me and no one would see it.

Oh let's cut the crap ... I WISH I could disappear and no one would see it.

I'm tired. My moods this year have been all over the place. I'm lonely. I've lost many friends this year due to many reasons, one of which was my all over the place moods as well as my poorly executed Vanishing Acts. And I'm over loaded with everyone elses' unhappiness.

I love my husband, I love my friends, and I love my family ... but I feel like I'm being sucked into all their sadness/anger/depression. which leaves me feeling frustrated, inadequate and unimportant.

I can't help any of them. And believe me, I'VE TRIED. I mean I've seriously clothed, sheltered, fed and been an emotional crutch on more than one occasion. And I am MORE than happy to have done so. The problem is, none of it made a difference. None of it made anyone's lives' better. None of it mattered.

In short, I kinda feel like I don't matter. I know that's not true ... obviously people care about me ... but their lives would go on without me.

NONE of this is to be mistaken with bitterness toward anyone at all. I love to do good things. I love to help people. I love making people smile. Problem is, I just don't seem to be able to do any of those things no matter how hard I try.

I can lead a fish to water, but can't teach it to swim.
I can show a person how to smile, but not how to be happy.
I can offer great advice, but that doesn't mean anyone takes it.

I'm pretty religious. I think those who know me well know that. And I try to act accordingly to what I believe in. But no matter how good of a person I try to be, I still continue to feel like I'm being punished for past mistakes. And unfortunately I've made gobs of unspeakable mistakes. And if that's not the case, then why am I so useless to my friends and family?

Sure, I can cheer up people I don't even know on the internet. I can make strangers smile. Sometimes I even matter to people I don't even know. But I want to matter to those that I care about. I want to help. I want to make a difference. I want everyone to stop forgetting about me.

Ever feel like you could save the world and no one would notice? Yeah, I may not save the world every day, but I save my husband time when he gets in the car by moving his seat back to it's original position. I don't save lives, but I save money when I go grocery shopping. I may not move mountains, but I do try to push people into the right direction.

But I'm invisible to it all.

I'm a Vanishing Act.

I'm the Invisible Chick

I'm the stinking Guardian Angel that never gets credit!

SO for anyone who ever tried to say I only do good things so people will do good things for me, yeah, they can suck my big fat knee cap. Because I can guarantee everyone right now that I'll still keep trying to make others feel better, and I'll still keep pointing family and friends in the right direction. And I'll still keep on doing those little things that no one notices.

Why?

I've got no freaking clue. But it's obviously not because I like the praise I get ...

**POOF** (That's me disappearing ... duh!)