Virtual Insanity or is that Reality?

My moods in percentages ...

77% - Sad

13% - Meh

10% - Happy

Not much of a pie chart to make of that one. I've been more "Meh" than anything lately. I take "Meh" over sad, but the problem is, "Meh" can turn into sad REALLY easy. As it did about 5 minutes ago.

Lately, I've been bitching a lot about my inability to maintain friendships, but if I had to be honest, that's been my MAIN issue this year.

(Side note about honesty ...Watched the Invention on Lying today. Totally loved it. Wish I could speak my mind like that sometimes. I'm pretty sure it would get me in deep shit though. Or not ...)

But let's get a wee bit more specific here ... cuz there are some friendships I'm pretty capable of maintaining. Why might you ask? Ahhhh....it's the beautiful thing we call the internet. Virtual friends are AWESOME.

Virtual Friends vs. In the Flesh Friends

Having a cold and/or the plague

• In the Flesh Friends - Keep your distance. No one wants your germs. And they always say get plenty of rest and yada yada yada ... mainly just so you stay away
• Virtual Friends - They don't give a shit! Germs don't fly over the internet. And rest shmest! It's time to chat....you can  sleep at night!

Being upset or depressed

• In the Flesh Friends - They're practically preprogramed to be like "Oh, here we go again. What now?"
• Virtual Friends - Are always ... "Oh honey what's wrong? Tell me all about it!" They could care less how often you are down, because they always come to you when they're down too!

Getting in a Fight

• In the Flesh Friends - Spend weeks/months/years not speaking, sometimes you don't even know why!
• Virtual Friends - What fight? What's there to fight about? Who has the faster internet or better webcam?

Being Happy

• In the Flesh Friends - 50% of the time they are there with you celebrating it up. But the other 50% of the time they don't even know you're happy because they are so tired of you being unhappy all the time that they rarely talk to you anymore.
• Virtual Friends - They do a virtual happy dance for EVERY day you are happy!!!

I could go on, really I could, but I don't even want to. I know it sounds like I'm bitter, but more than anything I'm just hurt and sad and in the flesh lonely. I really don't feel like I have any in the flesh friends any more.

Example:

My 30th Birthday - My husband planned the evening back in my hometown thinking it would be more convenient for most of my "In the Flesh" Friends.

Here's how it went down...

1 of my friends who I RARELY see and hadn't seen for like 2 years showed up for about an hour with her new boyfriend.

1 of my husbands friends who we hadn't seen in a year or two showed up with his wife and stayed for a bit, but he really only came to see my husband.

My husband's sister, brother and brother's girlfriend came and hung out all night. Of which we went to a bar they wanted to go to, came back to my mother in laws where my husband and his brother got so trashed they tried to beat the crap out of each other. 

Happy FROCKING Birthday

It's only my 30th ... it'll come around again ... oh wait, no it won't.

And this is out of over 40 people invited. I'm not even going to get into the lame excuses I was given. Not even worth it.

But do tell me, how does one NOT feel like they are a nothing to everyone they once called a friend?

So anywho .. as to what got me to this whiney whimsical point of unhappiness this evening ...

I have and/or had three best friends. 2 from high school and one from right after. We've had our falling outs, but somehow we always make it through.

But right now ...

One hasn't spoken/written a word to me in about two months. Do I know why? Not a clue. All I know is the last time we spoke I was in a VERY low place and I tried to talk to her about it. Apparently that wasn't a good idea.

Friend two went three months without speaking to me before I finally asked what was up only to find that she didn't support the fact that I got back together with my husband (which from her perspective, I TOTALLY get and don't hold it against her at all.) But instead of talking to me about it, she just stopped talking to me all together. We emailed about it, it didn't go well and I've barely talked to her since. She never even bothered to ask me why I stayed with him. (Which for the record, was a VERY well thought out and rational decision that I did NOT make lightly!)

And the tip of the iceberg today ... Friend three. Things are fine between us as far as I know. We email from time to time. I worry about her. I know she's going through a lot right now and I don't want to be too pushy about it. But my heart pretty much broke in two when I read a blog post (she JUST started the blog) she posted on Facebook about how her and Friend two are now such good friends now and she doesn't know where she'd be without her and all that fun stuff.

I can't help it. I feel crushed beneath the weight of loneliness, isolation and the fact that I am no longer accepted by the people I thought I was closest to.

Melodramatic ... yeah, I probably am. But that doesn't make my pain hurt any less. And it doesn't make my loneliness disappear. For all I know it's what drives my friends further away to begin with.

All I know is a year ago I had good friends. Close friends. Now, I have nothing.

The worst part is, I don't even know what I did. Was it just my depression that they didn't want to deal with anymore? Did I say something wrong whilst in the midst of an episode? And if they are so misunderstanding about why I make the decisions I do, why don't they bother to ask me?

***HUGE DISCLAIMER***

These girls are not bad people. They are wonderful in fact.

They just don't want me anymore.

It sucks to be unwanted.

The worst part is, I have plenty of virtual friends. Friends who know all about my ups and downs and are there for me and with me. Friends who consistently tell me nice things about me and all that jazz. Why don't my in the flesh friends feel that way?

Or better yet, if my virtual friends knew me in the flesh ... would they not want me either?