When it's not the thought that really counts ...

I mean, it's a fun saying and all, "It's the thought that counts." But really, it's just bullshit.

No one cares what you think.

No one cares how you feel.

And in my experience, no one really cares what you do for them either.

I'm bipolar. Naturally, I suck at relationships. I disappear for days on end. I procrastinate. I don't send out thank yous. I can be a real annoyance ... I totally get that.

But for all those out there who seem to think I don't care ... I'm pretty sure you've over looked a few things.

I considered listing them all out, but then thought better of it.

Perhaps I'm more angry with myself for not being able to be better. Perhaps I'm angry with myself for getting lost in my own head and tuning everyone out. Or maybe I'm just upset that I expect my good deeds to be noticed and to mean something.

However, I don't do those things for recognition. I don't do them for reciprocation.  I don't do them to make me feel better about myself. I do them because I think it's what's right. I TRY my damnedest to be there for everyone I love in every way I possibly can. I know I fall short at times, but goodness, I do try.

Still, at the same time ... I can't lie ... there is a little part of me that hopes that maybe one day ... even if just once, the same types of kindnesses will be shown to me. I dream of that day when a person drops everything to be there for me, or goes against their own beliefs just to keep my secrets, or helps me out of a tight spot even though perhaps they are in a tight spot too ...

or maybe even just worries about me even a tiny bit.

cares that all I want is for them to be there.

I don't want money.

I don't want showers of affection or affirmations or anything of the sort.

I want to be important.

I want to be loved.

I want to be worth something.

In these past 4 years (and/or maybe ... most likely ... my entire lifetime) I have rarely felt these things outside of my own husband.

But then, maybe I should just shut the frock up and be thankful that I have a great husband and a blessed marriage. Maybe it IS I who is the selfish one.

To be honest, I don't even know anymore.

It may just be that I'm missing what's in front of me trying to gain what's miles away?

**** This Post **** Otherwise known as, "The Perks of Being Conflicted!"