Suicide from another Angle

It's Suicide Awareness Week ... I wrote this for webMD.com, but they never published it, so I decided to post it here.

Suicide … It’s Not Just About Sadness … 

Suicide is usually associated with those who are depressed. The majority of people believe the individuals who commit suicide are doing it because they are hopeless and have no other way out. These desperate beings are sad and just want to end the pain. This is true. Often times, suicide is a result of extreme depression.

But did you know there are other thoughts, emotions, or situations that perpetuate the intense urge to end one’s life?

For those of us with bipolar disorder, we are familiar (all too familiar) with mania/hypomania and it’s racing, obtrusive thoughts. Thoughts which can start out so simples like being focused on a task such as doing the dishes.

Example of the thoughts of a manic person doing the dishes:

“La de da, I like the smell of this soap. I can’t believe I’m doing the dishes again. I didn’t even eat off this dish. I wonder what would happen if I tossed it against the wall.”

Manic person tosses plate against the wall.

“Oh, that’s what happens. Look at all those pieces. They are like pieces of my soul scattered across the floor. Did I remember to switch over the laundry? I should do that right now. The laundry is dirty. It is wet. I bet it smells funny because it’s been in there since yesterday. Crap, I hate the smell of day old laundry. Why does everything have to be so hard? I mean why can’t the laundry just change itself? I should tie-dye all the laundry because then no one will know if it’s dirty. I’ll just spray it with gobs of perfume and life will be perfect. Except … I don’t have any perfume. I used the last of it on my date last weekend with Henry. He wasn’t really anything exceptional. But I bet he does laundry. And I bet he does the dishes. Look at all those pieces. Those pieces are just like these stupid thoughts that make absolutely no sense. I know what I could do with those pieces. Look how sharp they are …”

Now picture ALL THAT going through the mind in less than 30 seconds, then tripling that and dealing with it for days on end. Endless words with no meaning traveling across the mind and they NEVER stop.

HOWEVER!

If you use that sharp piece of plate and start cutting yourself, I bet those thoughts will slow down as you focus on the pain. I bet if you cut deep enough you won’t even be able to think of anything BUT the pain.

And then you cut too deep. And what ends up looking like suicide, and/or being suicide is the result of a racing mind in need of quiet. Sometimes the deep cut is on purpose, sometimes it’s not. But regardless, it has nothing to do with sadness. Another reason an individual might consider suicide is anger. So, yeah, that sounds pretty ridiculous. Racing thoughts, somewhat understandable, but anger?
 
Anger is similar to racing thoughts. Anger comes with rage. Rage comes with irrational thinking. Irrational thinking leads to absurd ideas. And absurd ideas turn into poor choices. On occasion, those poor choices end up in suicide.

There are some types of anger that, at the time, a person can feel like they will never be free of. And it hurts to be angry. It’s agonizing. It’s especially unbearable to a person who is otherwise not usually angry. And when they fear that this anger is never going to leave, why bother living? Why spend your life being pissed off at everyone all the time? And why spend your life letting them piss you off?

What kind of life is that?

This anger can turn into extreme pain; pain that - once again - may sometimes be eased by self-harm, pain which might only be eased with a handful of anti-anxiety meds. I mean, they ARE supposed to reduce anxiety. And anger and anxiety DO go hand in hand. So if two can’t help, let’s try 10. If they kill us, well at least there’s no more anger!

As you can see, suicide is not nearly as simple as some may think. It’s not always just an easy way out of a really difficult situation. Sometimes it’s a constant feeling or thought that never goes away despite all your efforts. It will nag and nag at you until you go mad and the only way to end it is to end your life.

I do not say these things to disqualify the extreme seriousness of depression. I say these things to help you understand, and possibly spot, a friend who might be suicidal. Mania is just as dangerous, if not more, than depression. And anger is an evil, evil feeling that can lead to unimaginable actions.
If you or someone you know is depressed, suffering from extreme mania and/or racing thoughts, or engulfed in a sea of raging anger it is important to seek help. Suicide is preventable, and there are always other options to ease your pain.

If you are thinking about harming yourself, or know someone who is, please get help immediately.

You can get help by doing one of the following:

Call your doctor.

Call 911 or go to a hospital emergency room to get immediate help or ask a friend or family member to help you do these things.

Call the toll-free, 24-hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255); TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889) to talk to a trained counselor.

Make sure you or the suicidal person is not left alone.