So maybe I'm not melting "physically", but emotionally ... my snowman has just about had it! I'm barely a carrot stick nose and charcoal eyes these days. There just seems to be nothing left.
Changing is difficult ... as in big life changes ... not changing your clothes (Although if you're trying to get into those skinny jeans, that can be difficult too!)
Changing for those of us with bipolar can be devastating. Our entire worlds get turned upside down and um hello! Gravity is supposed to hold us to the ground! What the hell?!?!
Well, life has put forth many changes for me lately, and I can't say I'm dealing with them all to well. (and that is quite the understatement of the day) My inability to deal with these changes has me feeling quite failuresk.
I have a new job. It's full time. I THOUGHT I'd be happy with it. I mean, back in the real world. The 8 to 5. Working downtown and in the middle of all the hustle and bustle. But um, I'm not sure if you knew this or not, 40 hours is A LOT of time out of ones week. Suddenly, everything that was important to me, I no longer have time for. That does NOT make me happy.
We moved ... again ... there were no surprises when I hated it. I knew I would. I hate moving. And I'm not completely thrilled with my tiny new living space. Grateful to have a roof over my head, yes? But I'm like a genie in a lamp right now (Minus the phenomenal cosmic powers ... but still ... totally the itty bitty living spaces!)
We got a dog. I'm cool with this change. He's cute. Smells funny though.
Husband and I are working things out. Easier said than done. I'm sure my massive plummet into the great hole of funk hasn't helped it much either. I know this is a good change. But it's kinda like whiplash. We were together, we were apart, we are together again. Why must my relationships be so bipolar too???
I've grown apart from my friends again. I miss them. But at the same time I'm terrified of them. After you've lost friends due to an illness before, the fear of losing them to that illness a second time is quite paralyzing. That's not to say that they are being bad friends or anything (that title goes to me these days) but I don't want to annoy them, or piss them off, or cause them to hate me. But I'm really good at doing all three. Especially down here in the great hole of funk!
Lucky for me that just makes my hole even deeper. YAY for holes of funk!!!
And when it all adds up, my sanity has pretty much been subtracted. What I wouldn't give to go commit myself in the hospital right now. Sadly it doesn't work that way :( I mean, why can't they just have places for us to go that aren't necessarily hospitals, just more like miniature hotels for those of us who need to hide and sleep for a week straight?
So I'm kinda back to where I was 3 years ago. Captain Failure of the Sinking Disappointer (my ship name of course) I hate being a failure, but it feels like there is no way around it lately. Everything I want conflicts with what everyone around me wants. And in the process of trying to do or be what they want, I still somehow manage to piss them off and or make myself more unhappy.
Best Friend? Me? That's a big FAIL
Good Wife? Ha! Giant FAIL
Good Mom? Ok that's a Tiny FAIL, I think....
Great Employee? TOTAL WIN however this brings my emotional stability to an EPIC FAIL!
Oh, and have I mentioned that being in Failure mode comes with a side of paranoia. Paranoia that everyone is mad at you, and everyone is disappointed in you and everyone is sick of you and and and. Not a big fan of it. I mean I know it could be worse...the paranoia...but this is still bad enough.
So, the other day I'm riding in the car and Toby Mac comes on "Get back up again", and I was all, "I can do this! I can just pick myself up and think positive and life will be joyous!!!"
It's the thought that counts right? Cuz yeah, that lasted a whole 2 hours.
I think one of the misconceptions (and or one of my paranoid thoughts) is that others think we don't want to be happy. This is so not the case. I'm tired of being miserable. I WANT to be happy. I'd LOVE to take a magic pill that makes the world all pretty and shiny. (one that was legal of course) I WANT to get through an entire day NOT being on the verge of tears all the time. And I WANT to stop feeling the need to act like everything is ok. I just want it to BE ok.Okay?
I wish I could be more specific, but the wonderful world wide web tends to find it's way into the wrong hands on a regular basis, and I'm not about to find myself in a pickle trying to explain why I want what I want, but I can tell you this, it includes simplicity. I want to simplify my life. I want to stop being tossed big decisions. Hell, I want to stop deciding what's for dinner! I want to make a decision and not feel guilty about it. I want to ignore the What If's. And I want people to understand me and support me in the things that I want and need.
I also what a million dollars, some ice cream, a life time supply of margaritas, and a brand new BMW.
Meh ....
4 comments:
This explains why you haven't picked up the phone...and yes, I do tend to push the phone on most people...it's what I do.
I think you might want to consider mixing up new cocktails and ditching those who don't support you through all your highs and certainly all your lows. MB is a package deal. That's why I love you. :) You can't just be hangin' with the Poppins when she's with it...you need to hang with the Poppins at all times, even when she pushes you aside because she thinks you're disappointed...when you're not. ;) I will force the phone call on you, oh yes...yes I will. But it's only because I love you.
Feelings are just that,... feelings,.... It isn't WHO you are. You are not a failure. Your just struggling right now. And that means your working at it. Which means your not failing.
((hugs))
Just so you know, I never left your side, still here if you need a friend to chat with or vent. Sounds like you're in a rough patch, but with all the changes, it’s no surprise. Just keep holding on through the mess and I know you'll be feeling better soon. I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but this too will pass, just don't beat yourself up while you're trying to get through it. Be nice to yourself, you're doing the best you can do.
I'm proud of all you're doing Marybeth!
I love ya MB! Keep swimming.
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