The Reality of a Depressed Happy Person

I did it again. I found myself in that spot where all I want to do is sleep and ignore the world. Yep, it's happened. I'm there.

Surprised? Yeah, me neither.

Except ...

This time, it's a bit different.

The majority of my depressive episodes have been situationally triggered. Something bad happens, thus I get sad. Then more bad things happen and it turns into depression. Usually the depression spirals out of control until I'm no longer functioning like a normal person and I'm forced to talk myself out of it. I must tell myself to get back on that horse cuz the situation is temporary and I am stronger than what is happening to me.

It's quite the natural process really. Or at least for me it is.

But not this time.

There is no situational trigger here.

Nothing horrible has gone wrong.

In fact, my life kinda freaking rocks!

Or at least for the most part that is.

So WHY in the freaking world to I feel hopeless?

I feel like nothing seems to be going right and it's just inevitable that even more will go wrong in the near future. All I want to do is sleep all day and ignore everyone and pretend I'm not really here.

The ironic part ...

The fact that nothing is really wrong with my life has only escalated the depression. It's made me feel guilty and worthless and ungrateful and terrible and selfish and like the world's worst mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend EVER!

I don't deserve to be sad.

I have no reason to be sad.

I should be happy.

Happy happy happy damn it!

But really, I don't have the right to be sad. My friends and family who are going through rough times both emotionally and physically, they have the right to be sad. They are not selfish for feeling hopeless. They have reason behind their depression. It's valid.

Me? I am just a selfish prick who is sad over frivolous crap that would have made me the happiest person in the world 5 years ago.

My financial woes? I can't keep money in the bank because I have poor spending habits. Woes me, right? I'm freaking stressing about not having a savings account because then I can't buy a nice house when I have friends and family members who are stressing about having a house to live in period. WTF is wrong with me?

My family employment woes? My husband get's too many job offers. It's gotten to the point where on a weekly basis we have to sit there and go over the pros and cons of each job placed in front of him and compare it to the one he has now and try to determine which will be the best for our family. Which job will have the best long term benefits? Which job will have the best pay? Which job will make both of us the most happy? WEEKLY ... and that's at the very least. Sometimes it's more than that. I have friends and family members who have been searching for a job for months/years and here I am stressed out because my husband has too many job choices. WTF?!?!

My marital woes? I actually feel bad for thinking I have/having a good marriage. Like I don't deserve the life I've built with my husband. Like I haven't worked my ass off to be here. But I see friends and family struggling just to keep their marriage together. They are fighting to keep a marriage alive while I'm sitting back trying to figure out whether or not I deserve to be so in love with my husband. WTF is that?!?!

My physical woes? I've gained like 10lbs. No longer do my size 2s fit comfortably, but now I'm forced to wear a size 4, which after at least a day will inevitably be falling off my ass anyhow since I do not have one. I look in the mirror and I want to gag at the sight of my protruding abdomen, yet it's all I can do NOT to eat the ice cream in the freezer or drink the beer in the fridge. (HA! That's a joke ... like we actually can keep beer in our fridge!) I know people who are dreaming to fit into a size 14 and I'm flipping out about wearing a size 4. And I honestly feel fat. Like disgusting fat. Like look in the mirror at the store while trying on clothes and fighting back the tears fat. WTF?!?!

I am a selfish, shallow, heartless bitch ... I have the world in my hands. Everything I've fought for I almost completely have. Things are going better than I could have ever imagined.

And I'm depressed!

However, as selfish as I feel for being depressed ... there really are actual reasons behind each stress/sadness/worry.

Financially ... I'm depressed because even after everything we've been through ... losing our jobs, our house, our credit ... after all that and being insanely broke, you'd think we had learned our lessons. You'd think we'd finally be able to manage our money. We make good money ... but we can't keep even $50 in our bank account for more than a month. We almost bounced our account this week. It took us 6 weeks to even save up $400 and now it's all gone. We make good money, we should have nice cars, a nice house ... but we are such poor spenders/savers that we will never have any of those things ... like ever.

Job Security ... Yeah ... there are tons of offers ... for him. No one will hire me. I'm all over the internet with all sorts of stories about my poor job history and gobs of depression and blah blah blah. Who wants to hire that? Even now I can't even find the energy to run my own business properly. I wouldn't hire me! And yeah ... husband seems secure now. But what happens when it's all gone? What happens when he picks the wrong deal and everything goes south. What happens when in his search for the best possible solution for our family turns into him being unemployed because we got too greedy and then we have to go back to being poor all over again? Because, unlike before, I can't save us. I can't get a job and take over and be the read winner. I'm useless. We'll have to get used to being super poor all over again. We can't even handle/manage being middle class!

Marriage wise ... I worry it will all fall apart. Look at me. I'm a mess. What if this person who has become insanely amazing realizes how amazing he is and decides he just can't handle me going into spouts where all I want to do is sleep and cry. What if he gets sick of a wife who can't keep a job or switches her career goals every two years? What if he stops wanting me? He deserves better, why should he stay for less?

Physically ... I'm not even 5ft tall. A size 2 on me is like a size 8 on a normal person. I have no hips or butt. Everything is in my waisteline. If I gain 10lbs I gain 10% of my body weight. And recently I've gained almost 20lbs. Even those 4's are getting tight. Yesterday I tried on a pair of pants that has a hole in it and haven't put on in months ... my leg fat was bursting out of the hole. Sounds dumb, I know ... but when I go to Kohl's to spend my stupid Kohl's cash and I can't even find one thing that looks decent on my body, it's depressing. When I go to try on bras and they look ridiculous cuz my gut sticks out further than my chest, it's depressing. So yeah ... I hate my weight.

And then I top it all off with hating myself.

I hate myself for feeling like such a shallow bitch. I hate myself for making all my friends feel like I'm angry with them or I don't care about them. I hate myself for disappointing my husband because my house is STILL dirty and the laundry is STILL not done and I STILL have no clue what to make for dinner. I hate myself because at this moment I'm losing clients because I STILL haven't downloaded their discs or gotten them in the mail. I hate myself because I can write up this forever long blog post but I STILL can't manage to actually speak about any of this with anyone.

I STILL can't seem to quit smoking.
I STILL can't finish my freaking book.
I STILL can't get through a day without wanting a beer because I'm so stressed.
I STILL can't get myself to not take at least one nap a day and/or go to bed super early.
I STILL can't be happy about my photography.
I STILL can't be satisfied with my book sales.
I STILL can't be anything but sad.

And I hate myself for it all.

I just want to curl up in a ball and ignore the world because no one deserves to be subjected to my idiocy or selfishness. I want to send out apology letters to everyone for sucking. I want to hide in a hole until I can make sense of all these feelings and find a way to make them disappear.

I want to be a better person.

But right now ... I can't.

I just can't do it right now ... I don't have it in me.

If you hate me after reading this ... you lose no respect from me. I'd hate me too.

If you actually pity me ... you're just as stinking crazy as I am. We should probably be friends ... but it will have to wait until I pull my head out of my ass first!