I can help the world ... but I can't seem to help me ...

I give advice ... some good ... some not.

I write blog posts in which people tell me that it made all the difference in their lives.

I help people remain positive when life is anything but.

People appreciate me ...

But here I sit, guiltily feeling miserable for absolutely no reason. Family is fine, money is great, wonderful friends ... life is good.

Still, I am not.

I am not good.

I remain distracted, distanced and unable to remember what I did 5 minutes ago and I sure as hell don't remember what I am supposed to do tomorrow. Thousands of people visit my AaB site ... They send compliments and encouragement.

Still, I am lonely.

I am insanely freaking lonely despite all the people in my life and friends I've made through AaB.

And it's for ridiculous, stupid reasons.

Like ...

Why don't people ever want to visit me? I got a new house and no one even wants to come see it. It took my brother 3 years to come see us after we moved to another city. My out of town friends would all rather me come visit them. Minus a few close family members and my wonderful old neighbors ... nobody wants to see me.

I never get that out of the blue, "OMG I totally miss you ... we MUST hang out soon."

Never ...

Apparently I'm not missable.

Probably because my head is so far up into the clouds that they probably think I don't care.

I do though.

I really care.

And I'm jealous ... of practically everyone. For things about their lives that they hate ... yet all I can do is see how lucky they are. What's that?

Well let's not lie ... no one reads this blog anyhow ... I'm jealous because people pay attention to them. Friends travel to see them and help them through their rough times.

When I was in the process of divorce, the friends I had at the time never once came out to see me or find out if I was all right.

When my grandmother died, no one called to share their condolences.

I turned 30 ... no one cared. The night was a disaster in which almost everyone was "too busy" to celebrate with me. I even went to them!!!

When I was in the midst of a melt down and ended up in the hospital ... no one cared. I think more people were upset with me than were worried about me.

People all over know who I am and appreciate my stories and sentiments ... but they don't really know me. And they aren't here. Not one person besides my husband knows how low I am right now. (ok and maybe the few people who MIGHT read this)

I'm jealous that others who are low are able to go to the hospital and get help. I can't. I have kids and school and responsibilities. I don't have time to go get my shit together.

And every word written here is jibberish. It's random and ridiculous and who knows what else. But all these words are in my head all the time. They plague me like a flock of locusts. They torture me until every happy peice of my life becomes null and unenjoyable.

Still, I remain steady. I help others. I do whatever I can to make sure no one has to feel like I do. No one deserves to feel this way.

Still, I do ...